Talk is cheap and life in the barnyard is nasty, brutish, and short. You either eat or get ate, and if you ain't the cock of the walk, you're in the next pot of coq au vin. So you tell me, are you satisfied with the quiet life of pastoral servitude, or do you have the rocky mountain oysters to grab the tractor by the wheel and, just maybe, reap what you sow? I just so happen to know where we can get enough corn to put us on easy street till the cows come home. What do you say old timer, how about...one...last...job?
While The Wizard the Witch and the Wild One is taking a break between chapters, enjoy this treat from the Patreon Vault. If you're interested in the rules of the game and how the gang made their characters, check out the prologue to A County Affair, available now on our Patreon.
WELCOME TO A County Affair, our first one shot game! [these are mini campaigns we run while the big public story is still going on] Join FIRST TIME GM Erika Ishii (!!!) as they weave a tale of barnyard bandits, farmland fiasco, and kernel knowledge using only the Roll for Shoes rule set and the extremely illegal talents of
Aabria Iyengar as Phillip (the goat)
Lou Wilson as Itsa Winnerbaby (the horse)
and
Brennan Lee Mulligan as Ruthie (the Chicken)
with
Sound design by Casey Toney (a Human Man)
A County Affair will conclude with episode 2 in two weeks!
Worlds Beyond Number
A County Affair: Episode 01 - “Crime-a-Doodle-Doo” Final Version
[World’s Beyond Number intro music rises urgently with orchestral strings and flute]
Erika Ishii
This is the sound of Worlds Beyond Number.
[The other instruments fade into a lone flute and violin pluck. Country Fiddle Jamboree music fades in.]
Erika Ishii
You are animals that live on, or near, Family Farm Incorporated. You've worked together as a team many times. Little jobs, here and there. Extra trash for the goats. Managing to aid the daring escape of a whole generation of boy-chicks that would otherwise have become rooster slurry.
Brennan Lee Mulligan [Gasp]
Erika Ishii
You got them to a neighboring free range farm called the Co-op Coop. The County Fair is a month away, and The Farmer, Williams, and Mrs. The Farmer's Wife, Williams—Kitty Williams—are entering for the first time. Their son Tad has convinced them it's "good publicity" and that "he has a great idea for a green friendly rebranding of the farm." The big score? The bumper crop of heirloom corn, stashed in the Family Farm Incorporated Heirloom Kettle Corn Truck, which is going to be sold at a 300% markup. Now, the animals have long been switched to Kerrrn(TM), a mass produced cornlike substitute with very little nutritive value.
Aabria Iyengar Question!
Erika Ishii Yes?
Aabria Iyengar
How many r's in Kerrrn?
Erika Ishii
Three. K-E-R-R-R-N(TM). But here's the thing. There's enough real primo corn in that truck, to keep everyone fed for a whole year—which to most of you is actually a significant portion of your lives. So you're going to find a way to get to the fair, nab that corn and get out. Welcome to... The County Affair.
[Flute-centric fast paced Bebop kicks up.]
Aabria Iyengar
Woo woo woo woo woo!
Lou Wilson Cue sick song.
Erika Ishii Right?
Lou Wilson
It's fucking absolutely rippin'.
Erika Ishii Yeah!
Lou Wilson
It's like a fuckin' barnyard version of—
Erika Ishii [Freeform scatting]
Aabria Iyengar
Is it going to be Oceans Eleven?
Lou Wilson
—the fuckin' Cowboy Bebop theme.
Erika Ishii
Yes, yes! That's on my playlist!
Aabria Iyengar
Ok, I thought it was going to be more like "The Sting," but that's okay.
Erika Ishii Okay.
Aabria Iyengar
Where it's like old timey?
[The turn of the century piano rag "The Entertainer," originally composed by Scott Joplin, begins to play]
Lou Wilson
The fuckin' barnyard version of the Sting theme!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Doesn't "The Sting" open with "The Entertainer?"
Erika Ishii Yeah.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
[Mouth trumpets "The Entertainer"]
[Aabria, Erika join in with Brennan to mouth trumpet "The Entertainer"]
Lou Wilson
I mean, that's in the public domain, right?
Brennan Lee Mulligan Oh, yeah.
Aabria Iyengar We'll find out!
Brennan Lee Mulligan We'll do that.
Lou Wilson
Scott Joplin. Scott Joplin?
Erika Ishii
Scott Joplin, he's LONG dead!
Lou Wilson
Who the fuck wrote "The Entertainer?"
Erika Ishii Yeah.
Aabria Iyengar Joplin!
Lou Wilson
Is it a Joplin? It's one of the Joplins.
Aabria Iyengar Janice Joplin.
Erika Ishii [Cackles]
Aabria Iyengar It's not Janice.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
[Mouth trumpets "The Entertainer" and suddenly switches to "Piece Of My Heart," by Janice Joplin.] "Take it!! Take another—!"
[Everyone laughs]
Aabria Iyengar
We're doing so good.
Lou Wilson
We're doing great.
Aabria Iyengar
Is this what you wanted?
Lou Wilson
This is the energy you need.
Aabria Iyengar
Is this what you thought would happen?
Erika Ishii
This is exactly what I hoped for, and more!!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Oh! "The Entertainer" is Scott Joplin!
Lou Wilson
Scott Joplin, I got it.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah! Good job!
Erika Ishii What you said!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
There's lyrics for it. We gotta start, sorry.
Lou Wilson Yes.
[Aabria and Erika laugh]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
We gotta start, we gotta start.
Aabria Iyengar
The look in your eyes, as—
Lou Wilson
Once we start we'll lock in, ya know it's—
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Erika Ishii Yeah!
Lou Wilson
—it's this loose space before you start narrating hardcore.
[Birds begin to chirp, "Morning Mood," composed in 1875 by Edvard Grieg, begins to play.]
Erika Ishii
Dawn breaks, over the Family Farm Incorporated (a subsidiary of Williams Agricultural.) The light plays over the sweet little chicken coop. You hear rustling in the goat pens. The horse stables, you hear wickering. You can smell the hay and alfalfa. This is the kind of farm that you dream about, when you think of the word farm. But that's not where we find Brennan. We pull back, to see the large fields, and the corporate branded silos, of Family Farm Incorporated. The giant house of chickens, is where we find Ruth.
["Morning Mood" swells]
Erika Ishii It's dawn.
[Rooster crows]
Ruthie (Brennan)
[The voice of a very old woman] Oh hush, you.
Rooster (Erika) [Boks] Sorry, Ruth!
Ruthie (Brennan)
Oh, it's alright, sweetie, you're doing wonderful.
Rooster (Erika) Oh, thanks!
Ruthie (Brennan)
Hello, I'm Ruth. I am a... Er, venerable—though a lady never says her age—a venerable matriarch of the chicken coop. I have stood watch over this farmyard for many years, I am a beautiful, golden brown plumage, and little small pink comb, and a bright yellow beak, and a little yellow chicken's feet, and a tail that gets a little bit tufted white up at my rear end. [Chuckle]
Erika Ishii Aww!
Ruthie (Brennan)
And I have been a professional criminal, for—
Erika Ishii [Laughs]
Ruthie (Brennan)
I've been a professional criminal for, the entirety of my adult life, and actually was something of a wunderkind, when I started, way back in the day, as a young chick. I'm a, uh—I am something of a pickpocket, a burglar, a little bit of a grease, as it were, which is, I think, pretty remarkable, because I have no hands!
Aabria Iyengar [Laughs]
The Chicks (Erika)
Grandma. Grandma, tell them about us! [Cheeping]
Ruthie (Brennan)
Ah yes! Well. This, of course, is one of my delightful 180 grandchildren! And, let me tell you, I'm as proud a mother, a grandmother, a great grandmother, and a great great grandmother as there could be, and it's a delight to be here, on the farm, although... Times, are not as they were. It's gotten a little bit harder recently. Come in, cheeks. Come in, little chicky-chicks.
The Chicks (Erika)
[Cheeping] I love you Grandma!
Ruthie (Brennan)
Aww, you're all looking wonderful. Bright little yellow balls! Oh, I love you all so much! Ahhh...
Erika Ishii
We pan away from this adorable scene—perhaps a little more compacted than would normally be in a traditional farm—and we move, across the fields of corn, and beans, and cabbages, over the silo of Kerrrn(TM), and into the neighboring copse of trees. It's sparse here, but there's enough cover for there, to hide... A full grown horse!
Aabria Iyengar [Gasp]
Erika Ishii
Lou, can you introduce yourself?
Lou Wilson Yeah, I can!
[Aabria and Erika laugh]
Lou Wilson
Among—in the shade, of the grove, wearing an orange harlequin racing hood—
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Lou Wilson
—is a beautiful, painted—American painted horse. A little older than maybe he once—than in his prime, but kind of staring out over the farm, is my character, Itsa Winnerbaby.
[Aabria and Erika laugh]
Lou Wilson
I think Itsa's just kind of like, head up, trying to find just a nice little stretch of forest, that's—give me—looking for like a hundred meters, to just kind of cut loose and, uh
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
[Snorting, under breath] Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on!
Erika Ishii
Suddenly a rabbit breaks from the trees and races—
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Alright, let's go! Let's go!
[Everyone laughs]
Lou Wilson
And I start racing alongside the rabbit.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
[Posturing, yelling while running] Oh, you wanna go? You wanna go?
Racing Rabbit (Erika)
[Also yelling while running] Yeah!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Come on! Come on!!
Racing Rabbit (Erika)
You think you're all that, just because you were—what, you were you were in the pro circuit?
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Yeah, yeah, I was in the pro circuit!
Racing Rabbit (Erika)
Yuh! I'll take you! I'll take you!!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
I ran the Stakes, motherfucker!!
Aabria Iyengar [Laughs]
Racing Rabbit (Erika) Fuck you eat my dust!!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
No fuck you, eat MY dust!
[Everyone laughs]
Lou Wilson
I am desperately trying to keep up with this rabbit, but per usual, I think after about 25 meters or so, my ankle starts to catch up with me, and I feel myself kind of hitch a little bit, as the rabbit takes off a little bit—
Racing Rabbit (Erika)
I'm gonna take a shit in your creek, motherfucker!!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you, dude!
[It's quiet for a moment, then everyone laughs]
Lou Wilson
I think that Itsa has a quiet moment.
Erika Ishii
Aww. So as he cools down, the lather evaporating in the morning sun, we pan back over, to the little show farm, which says "The Williams Family Petting Zoo," and we see the goat pen, which is incredibly plush. It's roomy, and there's a little canopy for the goats to rest under during the day. There's some yoga mats rolled up outside of their pen, so that they can—the guests that visit can have their little namaste in the morning. And we see Aabria.
[Sinister harmonica wailing, with a throbbing country beat underneath]
Aabria Iyengar [Whispered] Yes.
Erika Ishii
Please introduce yourself.
Aabria Iyengar
I'm a little jet black goat, perfect for goat yoga. And if you follow, I'm rested on one of those lovely little, like, cork—my chins on one of those cork yoga blocks. And if you follow my eyeline, it goes all the way to the house, all the way up to the window of the master bedroom. And I just give a small little wink to Catherine. Now, Kitty Williams, the Farmer's Wife, who I have known since she was a girl.
[Lou and Erika laugh]
Erika Ishii
Kitty is out on the balcony watering the petunias. She looks around a little bit. She feels... Something. Don't know what, or why, but she has the urge, the urge to run. Run across those fields, out into the woods, out in the dark of the moon. And then it's gone, she finishes watering the petunias, and goes back inside to finish preparing breakfast for her husband, the Farmer.
Aabria Iyengar
And with a night's work well done, little Phillip begins to rest, and just sort of lays out in the sun, as the other goats begin to rise. But my work is at night. I'm a little criminal, for the love of the game.
[Aabria and Erika laugh]
Aabria Iyengar
I don't have—I don't—I'm in our group, in our sundry missions, I'm a demolitions expert, a hacker, and by all of that, I mean I can, and will, eat ANY fuckin' thing. So no doors are closed to me. Not to Little Phillip. Beh.
Erika Ishii
So there's going to be about 3 hours before the farm truly comes alive. Yes, there are farmhands that are harvesting the eggs, that are tilling—that are tending to the tractors that till the fields. But the patrons will not go to the show farm for another couple of hours, and you are all free to wander about as you please. Now, the thing that you've been working on for the last week, the big news, that Tad Williams, the Cornell graduate son—
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh] Cornell?!
Erika Ishii
—of the farm, the farming family, has come back with a lot of incredible new ideas, to grow the company, to grow the brand, in order to bring this farmhouse into the modern era. I mean, they did that—you know, the way that his parents did it, a generation ago, was to expand the farm and, you know, implement Kerrrn. But Tad has some really great fresh ideas, such as entering the fair, and he's been working away in the little workshed next to the house. That's where all of the leaflets are being designed. That's where the rebranding is happening, where social media strategy is going down. But you have all been meeting for this past week, to determine what your plan of action is, you have a month until the County Fair. How are you going to get in? How are you going to get that sweet, sweet corn? And how are you going to escape?
Lou Wilson
I feel like we must meet at Phillip's petting zoo, right?
Aabria Iyengar
Yeah! Come to the pen. [Chuckles] Is it cool that you just rock up through the farm all the time?
Lou Wilson
I think I'm assuming—I guess that everyone just assumes I'm from one farm over?
Aabria Iyengar [Laughing] Yeah!
Erika Ishii Yes. Yes.
Lou Wilson
It's just that thing that people do, where they pull over to the side of the road and they're like, "This horse is—" and people just kind of pet it?
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Lou Wilson
But no one's asking, "Where's this horse from? Whose horse is this?"
Erika Ishii Yeah.
Lou Wilson
Everyone's just excited that a horse was sweet enough to come up to them.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii
Yeah, it's true. Nobody really—
Lou Wilson
Nobody asks questions.
Erika Ishii
Nobody really asks questions.
Lou Wilson
If a horse comes up to you and is kind?
Erika Ishii It's magical!
Aabria Iyengar
You're right! I would lose my mind.
Erika Ishii
It's magical! And, furthermore, this is a very large farm, it's not like you guys know EVERYBODY on the farm, there's always new faces around, and definitely the humans don't have full stock of the situation, because you notice when something goes missing? You don't necessarily notice if there's an extra horse that hangs out around the show stables.
Lou Wilson
It's like an extra horse, you know?
Erika Ishii Yeah.
Lou Wilson
Come on. It's a big farm.
Erika Ishii
It's a big big farm! Yeah. So you all go over to the lovely little goat pen, past the show flowers. Phillip, as always, holds court.
Phillip (Aabria)
[Cockney accent] Right, I need the rest of you little goats to clear out. I have to do some business.
The Other Goats (Erika)
[Nervous bleating] Okay, William. Wait—o-okay, Phillip. Mr. Phillip Williams.
Phillip (Aabria) Yes. Yes.
The Other Goats (Erika) Yeah.
Erika Ishii
The other goats are terrified of you.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah, good.
Erika Ishii
Because they're just normal ass goats.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Erika Ishii
They don't live the life.
Aabria Iyengar
Also, Phillip is smaller than the other ones. This is like one of those little goats from a viral video, that jumps off of other goats.
Erika Ishii It's true.
Aabria Iyengar Just a little guy.
Erika Ishii
So the giant goats, in the pen, fully clear out. They leave the goat pen, they leave the petting zoo. They wanna give you a wide berth.
Phillip (Aabria)
Leave the door open. My friends are coming.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Well, seems like you've cleared out all the rest of the goats here, Phillip. Nice for us to have a little bit of privacy.
Phillip (Aabria)
Good morning, Ruthie. How ya doin'?
Ruthie (Brennan)
Oh, I'm well, just tending to the grandchildren, the great grandchildren. It's hard, you know, they're—I can't tell if it's paranoia or not, but doesn't seem like they're growing as big and strong as they might have if we'd had some real corn around here.
Phillip (Aabria) Mm. That's trouble.
[Long pause]
Aabria Iyengar [Bursts out laughing]
Lou Wilson
Think Itsa is just quietly, kind of eyeing your water.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Can I have some?
Brennan Lee Mulligan [Laugh]
Phillip (Aabria) What's mine is yours.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Oh, thank you. A rabbit shit in mine this morning.
[Aabria and Erika laugh]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) [Wet slopping noises]
Aabria Iyengar [Cackle]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Oh this is good. Ah, shit.
Phillip (Aabria) Thank you.
Erika Ishii
At that moment, the fourth member of this little meeting, Ermintrude the Rat, scampers up through the gutters—
[Scampering noises]
Erika Ishii
—and in through the open window in the goat shed.
Ermintrude the Rat (Erika)
[Raspy voice] Hello, Phillip. How are you?
Phillip (Aabria)
Good morning Ermintrude.
Ermintrude the Rat (Erika) Miss Ruthie.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Good morning Ermintrude.
Ermintrude the Rat (Erika)
Oh, yes, I have been keeping away from the little eggs as—just as you ask.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Yes, yes. As well you know you must.
Ermintrude the Rat (Erika)
The kerrrn, though, the kerrrn is just not—it doesn't quite hit.
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Sternly] Well we're all hungry, Ermintrude, and that's why we have to work together.
Ermintrude the Rat (Erika)
That's right, Miss Ruthie. That's right, we gotta work together. And Mr.—Mr....
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Say my name, Ermin.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah! [Laugh]
Ermintrude the Rat (Erika)
[Nervous stuttering] Itsa Winnerbaby.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) That's right.
Ermintrude the Rat (Erika) Mr. Winnerbaby.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Yeah, good to see you, too, Ermintrude.
Ermintrude the Rat (Erika)
[Uppity] You know, usually horses are a little more scared of my kind!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Hey, FUCK you!
Ermintrude the Rat (Erika) Augh!
Lou Wilson Just, rear up.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ! Mr. Winnerbaby!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Sorry, I'm on edge.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
I just—this has to go well, alright. This has gotta go well.
Ermintrude the Rat (Erika)
That's right. That's right. Okay, so, um [swallows] i got—ya know—there's the shed—the shed's got all the stuff that you need, there's blueprints in there, and there's—there's the marketing materials. But—but also, I can't read, and I don't know if any of you know how to read, so uh, well, uh—but Billiam the Pig, he also has—he also has the scoop.
Phillip (Aabria) Billiam?
Ermintrude the Rat (Erika) Yeah Billiam.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Billiam?
Ermintrude the Rat (Erika) Yeah. Ya know. The giant one.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Well, I don't know how to read, but I'm sure I could learn.
Ermintrude the Rat (Erika) Oh!
Phillip (Aabria) There you go.
Ermintrude the Rat (Erika) What does that say?
Erika Ishii
And Ermintrude points at a little sign that says Goat Yoga. So give me a little roll!
Aabria Iyengar [Gasp]
Erika Ishii
Give me a little roll!
Aabria Iyengar It's time!
Brennan Lee Mulligan First roll.
Aabria Iyengar First roll!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Okay, I'm rolling my Do Anything skill.
Erika Ishii
Yeah, Do Anything!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
And this is to instantly become literate.
Erika Ishii [Laugh]
Aabria Iyengar Yes!
Brennan Lee Mulligan That's a 1.
[Aabria and Brennan laugh]
Erika Ishii
I'm going to tell you, that doesn't make it, but mark down that you have one experience point!
Aabria Iyengar
[Excitedly] Can I try to read?
Erika Ishii
You can try to read!
Aabria Iyengar Hooray!
Erika Ishii
Phillip the Goat trots up to the Goat Yoga sign.
Aabria Iyengar
Ooh. That's a 6, baby!
Lou Wilson Wow!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Yeah!
Erika Ishii Ooookay!!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Yeah!
Lou Wilson
Wow, this goat can read!
Erika Ishii Wow, okay!
Aabria Iyengar This goat can—
Erika Ishii
So Phillip is able to sound out.
Phillip (Aabria)
Eh. [Slowly] Goat Yoga.
Ermintrude the Rat (Erika)
Oh my god that's inc—what did you—
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) You can read??
Ermintrude the Rat (Erika) Oh my goodness!
Aabria Iyengar
I've made a contract or two in my day.
Erika Ishii
[Cackles] So Phillip the Goat can read so, let's give you 2 in Read Signs.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah-ha-ha!
Phillip (Aabria)
And that little spider web in the corner says, some pig.
[Brennan and Erika laugh]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Holy shit.
Ruthie (Brennan)
You're on an absolute roll, Phillip!
Phillip (Aabria) Thank you.
Ermintrude the Rat (Erika) Oh my god!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Read more shit in here Phillip! I mean, I don't know which are words, but—
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Yeah, Ruthie points at a bucket of rainwater and says
Ruthie (Brennan) Read that!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Yeah, read it!
Ruthie (Brennan) Read it!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Read it!
Ruthie (Brennan) Read that!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Read it!
Ermintrude the Rat (Erika) What does it say?
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) What does it say?
Phillip (Aabria) It's—it's—I can't, I can't.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Mm. The gift comes and goes, I understand.
Ermintrude the Rat (Erika) Yes, indeed.
Phillip (Aabria)
The blessed rainwater.
Ermintrude the Rat (Erika)
Well, so those are the leads that I have so far. Yes. That's it. That's all of it.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Well, thank you for your reconnaissance, Erminetrude. You said Billy the Pig might know something.
Ermintrude the Rat (Erika) Yeah, Billiam. Billiam.
Ruthie (Brennan) Billiam.
Ermintrude the Rat (Erika) Billiam the pig.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
The big brown one with the ear that goes like that.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Yes. Well, I knew Billiam as Billy back in my day.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Oh, okay, good. So we've got an in.
Ruthie (Brennan)
I might be able to talk old Bill—
Phillip (Aabria) Ey!
Ruthie (Brennan) —into giving us a hand.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Did you guys date?
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Coyly] Well, a lady that never kisses and tells.
Aabria Iyengar [Cackle]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Alright, okay.
Phillip (Aabria)
I have a lot of follow up questions.
Aabria Iyengar
Before Ermintrude leaves, I want to walk over and kick the little, like, feed gachapon for goat snacks. Give him a little tip.
Ermintrude the Rat (Erika) [Shaky gasp]
Aabria Iyengar
Just kick him over a little—
Ermintrude the Rat (Erika)
Oh, thank you so much, Mr. Phillip. Ahh—y—you don't know how much this means to me and my 800 children in the rafters!
[A cacophony of squeaking]
Erika Ishii
You look up and there are—
Aabria Iyengar Oh my god!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Jesus Christ.
Erika Ishii
[Laughing] —a lot of tiny little eyes. Beady, black eyes, blinking down at you.
Ruthie (Brennan)
A huge rat problem.
Phillip (Aabria)
This is actually quite upsetting.
Erika Ishii
You hear a lot of [Stammering] little anxiety noises.
Ruthie (Brennan) So, so anxious.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) It's the Kerrrn, I'll tell ya.
Phillip (Aabria)
Kerrrn's got everyone on edge.
Erika Ishii
Ermintrude scampers up into the rafters, and they, and the 1600 eyes leave with them.
Phillip (Aabria)
Someone has to do something about that, that's very upsetting.
[Klezmer/Jazz fusion song begins to play]
Erika Ishii
Billiam the Pig's pen is in the little show farm. It's a big ol' pen, and it's full of nice cool mud for him to roll around in. He doesn't move much from his little corner. He too, holds court. He's not as terrifying as Phillip, but he is very well respected on this farm.
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Aside to the others] Let me.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) You wanna—?
Phillip (Aabria)
You wanna take this one?
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
You want us to—what do you want, you want a flanking maneuver?
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
You want us on either side, or you want us to hang back?
Ruthie (Brennan) No no no.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Your friends at the door?
Ruthie (Brennan)
No no no, come right along with me. Come right along with me.
Erika Ishii
Two little piglets show up in front of you.
Blip (Erika)
Hello, can we help you?
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Sweetly] Oh! Well hello! And what are your names, young children?
Blip (Erika)
Oh, I'm Blip. And this is Blip 2.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Ruthie (Brennan)
Blip and Blip 2! Well, my goodness!
Erika Ishii
We got named by a contest. It was a social media contest.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I see—and what? And what now?
[Everyone laughs]
Ruthie (Brennan)
You were named in a contest?
Blip (Erika)
Do you want to see Mr. Billiam? Yes.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Yes, Blip 2, why don't you and your sibling go and wake up Billiam?
Blip 2 (Erika)
Well, I don't know, what kind of business you got?
Erika Ishii
And they look at this motley crue.
Aabria Iyengar
I'm just headbutting Itsa in the leg.
Erika Ishii [Laugh]
Aabria Iyengar
Not mean, just like, having fun.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
You want me to go? You want me to go?
Phillip (Aabria)
Yeah, you wanna go?
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Lets fuckin' go
Blip 2 (Erika)
Uhhhh. I don't know, this seems like a lot of activity for Mr. Billiam.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Well, your father, Billiam, is an old, dear friend of mine, and I'm just coming here to say hello!
Blip (Erika) Oh!
Erika Ishii
Give me a roll. Give me a roll for Sweet Talk.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Erika Ishii
Roll for Sweet Talk.
Brennan Lee Mulligan That's 6, baby!
Aabria Iyengar Wooo!
Lou Wilson There it is.
Erika Ishii
Yay!! Alright, that's a 6 for Sweet Talk, for Brennan.
Aabria Iyengar Let's go Ruth!
Erika Ishii
Yeah, you got Sweet Talk 2. And they're like,
Blip (Erika)
Oh! Okay! Well, it looks like he's got an opening right about now, if y'all want to go in.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Well, I would love that.
Blip (Erika) Okay!
Erika Ishii
And so the two of them part, which is—you could have stepped over them anyway. You're all a lot bigger than them
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
That's why Ruthie's here, to keep me in check.
Erika Ishii Right.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Because I'll tell ya, if it was just Phillip—
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
Erika Ishii Yeah.
Phillip (Aabria)
You could kill everyone here.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Phillip, I love when you tell me that—
Phillip (Aabria) You could do it.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
—but you can't say stuff like that.
Aabria Iyengar Just—
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
You can't put that in my head!
Aabria Iyengar
—one little hoof on you.
Phillip (Aabria) You can do it.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Phillip. Phillip.
Phillip (Aabria)
In the dark of night—
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Phillip.
Phillip (Aabria)
—no one would know. Okay, okay.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
You always say that, you always tell me I could do something nasty "in the dark of night," and it's dawn!
[Aabria and Erika laugh]
Erika Ishii
Billiam the Pig is over in the corner. You can't tell if he's asleep or awake, his eyes are kind of just left closed, all the time.
Billiam the Pig (Erika) [Snoring]
Aabria Iyengar
Ruth, is this your king?
Ruthie (Brennan)
Well, "my king," I knew a lot of people back in the day. [Clears throat] Excuse me. [Squawk!]
Billiam the Pig (Erika) [Confused waking up noises]
Ruthie (Brennan) Billiam!
Billiam the Pig (Erika) Ahhh, Ruthie!
Ruthie (Brennan) Good morning!
Billiam the Pig (Erika)
It's always so good to see you, my dear.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Oh, well it's so lovely to see you. I had the pleasure of just meeting your wonderful children, Blip and Blip 2!
Billiam the Pig (Erika)
[Chuckle] Yes. [Beleaguered sigh] Social media polls.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Yes, and, uh—so explain that to me. They are part of a social medium?
Billiam the Pig (Erika)
I really couldn't tell ya, it's just—
Ruthie (Brennan)
I knew a very social medium back in the day, her name was Agatha.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Billiam the Pig (Erika) Ohh!
Ruthie (Brennan)
Very friendly, but constantly haunted by ghosts!
Billiam the Pig (Erika)
All of this is quite lost on me, something about "engagement" and I—
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Gasp] They're so young!
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Billiam the Pig (Erika)
Huh. Yeah. Uh, yes. Well, what brings you to my corner of the pen, and I think, ah, Mr. Itsa—Itsa Mr. Winnerbaby.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Yeah, that's me.
Billiam the Pig (Erika) Ah, yes. Yes, yes.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Good to see you, Billiam.
Billiam the Pig (Erika)
Uh, it's a pleasure, the pleasure's all mine. And Mr. Phillip.
Phillip (Aabria)
Your flesh is the closest to mans.
Billiam the Pig (Erika) Yes, yes.
Ruthie (Brennan)
That's a wonderful point. That's actually yes, 100%
Billiam the Pig (Erika)
Yes, sometimes they call me the other white meat, ain't that right, Ruthie?
[Billiam and Ruthie laugh]
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Suddenly serious] Billiam, I've come here to discuss business.
[Everyone laughs]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Phillip. I think they did fuck.
Phillip (Aabria) No, for sure.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) I think it was sensual.
Aabria Iyengar [Laughs]
Billiam the Pig (Erika)
What brings you to my corner of the pen?
Ruthie (Brennan)
Well, I think we all know the reputation that pigs have for being quite bright, as a matter of fact!
Billiam the Pig (Erika)
[Laughing] No no, none of your flattery! We all know that my influence on this farm comes from my prize winning days.
Erika Ishii
And he points a hoof over to a 4th place ribbon. 4th place, 2005, at the County Fair.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Hey, that orange ribbon put us on the map!
Billiam the Pig (Erika)
Yes, yes well... Some of my best days are behind me, but I'm hoping to one day help sire another winner. [Chuckles]
Ruthie (Brennan)
Well. Blip and Blip 2 aren't going to be winning any prizes at any County Fairs eating Kerrrn, Billiam, are they?
Billiam the Pig (Erika)
No, it's a bad state of affairs.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Hmm. You know, it's such an interesting thing because, of course, this is our first season with Kerrrn as feed. But of course, the farm still grows plenty of real corn. Talking primo maize here, you understand?
Billiam the Pig (Erika)
That's right? Blue heritage, heh. But it's only for the humans. And occasionally Phillip and myself here, yes.
Ruthie (Brennan) For now.
Billiam the Pig (Erika)
[Realization] Ahh. Oh, ho ho ho! You're thinking of pulling a job about this one?
Brennan Lee Mulligan I'm gonna get real close.
Ruthie (Brennan) One last job, Billiam.
Billiam the Pig (Erika) Ah, Ruthie...
Ruthie (Brennan)
Our best days are behind us. We're never going to be back, in the top of that hay loft, those days are long gone. That beautiful accordion music coming in from the old farmhouse radio.
[Accordian music playing]
Billiam the Pig (Erika) Ahh.
Ruthie (Brennan)
The farm wife putting those fresh hot pies out on the windowsill.
Billiam the Pig (Erika) Ahh, the halcyon days...
Lou Wilson
Can I reach up and make a roll to take the—I wanna grab the ribbon with my mouth.
Aabria Iyengar YEAH! Let's go!
Erika Ishii
[Laughing] Yes you can, go ahead, go ahead!
Lou Wilson That's a 6.
[Everyone cheers]
Erika Ishii
Alright, well we gotta respect that 6. So you've got 6 to Ribbon Snatching.
Lou Wilson
Okay, Ribbon Snatching.
Aabria Iyengar
Is it only Ribbon Snatching?
Erika Ishii
Well, let's say Prize Snatching.
Aabria Iyengar Ooh.
Erika Ishii
Prize Snatching!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Love it.
Erika Ishii Yeah. Yeah.
Lou Wilson
I'm gonna—I don't want to interrupt the private—I just want to emphasize the private moment that he's having, by taking that—while, as Ruthie's describing, taking that—reaching up, balancing my hooves on the side of the wall, using my mouth to take off the orange ribbon, and quietly come and push it—like pin it on him.
[Everyone laughs]
Lou Wilson
Like it's the old days.
[Quaint, nostalgic farm music]
Lou Wilson
"Fourth place goes to... Billiam!"
Erika Ishii
[As though an echo] Billiam, Billiam, Billiam... You can see it. He zooms into his eyes, and he's flashing back to the old days, to the old halcyon days when the farm was smaller, and when he was the prize winning pride of the county! Oh, yes, he'd give anything!
Billiam the Pig (Erika) Ahhh. Well.
Erika Ishii
He looks around, the three of you.
Billiam the Pig (Erika)
I'd say, you got yourself a pig. So what's the job? What do you need from me?
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
We've heard the shed. It's got stuff. That the rat said, we might need—help me. I'm not—I thinkm the rat said we got to get in the shed.
Ruthie (Brennan) Ermintrude.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Yeah, that's his name.
Billiam the Pig (Erika)
Ah, Ermintrude. Erminrude must have been talking about the promotional materials that they'll be handing out about the fair. Also, the new design for the corn truck. Agh, they've gone all postmodern with it, and they've taken all the fun out.
Ruthie (Brennan)
The schematics for the corn truck, they're there with the promotional materials?
Billiam the Pig (Erika)
Ah, yes. Yes yes, but even if you were to get the schematics for the truck, and for all of that, how are you going to get into the fair? How are you going to find where they're keeping that corn, and just how we can snatch it? Those farmhands, oh, they're like clockwork with their schedules. And then how ya gonna get yourself out?
Phillip (Aabria)
We'd need a little distraction.
Billiam the Pig (Erika)
You'd need a hell of a big distraction.
Phillip (Aabria)
You're a hell of a big pig.
Billiam the Pig (Erika)
Ah... I can't go with you. No.
Erika Ishii
And you can see that the rut—that he is LITERALLY in a rut. Like there's—he has wallowed down into this mire, and he is not goin' nowhere fast anytime soon.
Billiam the Pig (Erika) But—
Ruthie (Brennan)
Well. At the time of the fair, all of that corn is going to be moved from wherever they're keeping it now, into the truck itself. So in terms of getting in, we need to find a way past the farmhands, a way to stay unseen by the humans that will be at the fair. But in terms of getting it out. Billiam, I'm just a simple country hen, but... I've been operating under the impression that trucks can move.
Billiam the Pig (Erika)
Well... Your guess is as good as mine.
Erika Ishii
Billiam hasn't seen much outside of the County Fair.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Billiam, take my word for it, trucks can move.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Billiam the Pig (Erika)
Yes, well. You learn something new every day. Well, alright, so you get in, and you get the marketing materials. You get in, and you get out with the truck. But, uh—
Ruthie (Brennan)
Marketing materials. Marketing materials. So these are all still stored. What's the plan supposed to be? That they're going to be passed out at the fair or are they going to town ahead of time?
Billiam the Pig (Erika)
Well, they're going to be passed out at the fair, I suppose.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Passed out at the fair. To every attendee... What if... What if we were to put some information on those flyers?
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Yeah, you could read the things! And do reverse reading, which—I don't know what it's called—
Ruthie (Brennan) Yes!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
When you make those things that get read.
Phillip (Aabria)
There's no way to know what that's called but—
[Everyone laughs]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
If you could reverse read onto these pamphlets...
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah! Yeah. Perfect.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Oh god.
Phillip (Aabria) We'll do it.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I just laughed so hard that I almost passed out.
[Aabria and Erika laugh]
Phillip (Aabria)
Sure. We could add a little bit of information.
Billiam the Pig (Erika)
Alright, well, you've got your talented pickpocket and acrobatics expert, and you got your fast one, the Strong Muscly—yes yes.
Phillip (Aabria)
We still need distraction, and if you can't do it, well... Blip and Blip 2, could use a little, ya know, real world experience.
Billiam the Pig (Erika)
Well, yeah. Suppose you could take them along with you, but also, I do have a couple of friends I stay in touch with from the fair.
Phillip (Aabria) Hmm.
Billiam the Pig (Erika) Yes.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Who might that be?
Billiam the Pig (Erika)
Well. They call themselves "the Roost." It's different than the roosters. I don't know why they decided on that name, but, yeah. The Roost. It's the pigeons that live at the event, and sometimes will make their way back over here with messages, and some of the local gossip of the county. Yeah, so you can find them there, usually. They're everywhere. Everywhere. They know every inch of the place, and usually they'll be happy to help. Usually they'll acquire a favor in exchange, though, but, eh, that's something you can figure out when you get there.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Billiam. Thank you so much for all your help.
Billiam the Pig (Erika) Aw, Ruthie.
Erika Ishii
He takes your little claws in his clumsy hoofs, and he pats them, and says,
Billiam the Pig (Erika)
Here's to better times, for our kids.
Ruthie (Brennan)
To better times for our children, that's exactly right.
Billiam the Pig (Erika) Yes. Yes.
Phillip (Aabria)
Itsa we gotta get outta here. I think they're going to make something happen.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Yeah, we should give them a moment, if you all need a second.
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah. Yeah.
Ruthie (Brennan) No, no no no.
Phillip (Aabria) Let's go, let's go.
Ruthie (Brennan) That's alright.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Make sure to be safe, you know?
Aabria Iyengar [Laughs]
Ruthie (Brennan)
Blip, Blip 2, you have a wonderful day.
Erika Ishii
Thank you, Ms. Ruthie!
Ruthie (Brennan)
And I'm sorry that you won a social media—sorry something happened.
[Everyone laughs]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
And I'm going to go out with my friends, and say—
Erika Ishii
Alright, so you can get into—you know that you can get into the shed, it's not locked, but none of you really have hands to open it.
Aabria Iyengar What's a hand?
Erika Ishii
So you find yourself in front of the shed, and you see it as, just a normal ass door and a window. It's not much more than what looks to be, almost a tool shed, a converted tool shed on the outside. It's nice, and it's rustic looking.
Phillip (Aabria)
Okay. Well, we're just trying to go in?
Erika Ishii
How ya gonna get in?
Ruthie (Brennan) Mm.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
I mean, you want me to hit it?
Phillip (Aabria) [Gasp]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Give me a reason.
Phillip (Aabria) Hit it...
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Give me a reason.
Ruthie (Brennan)
I think there's—I think you gotta try to kick the door down.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) I mean, I'm gonna try.
Lou Wilson
I'm gonna use my head, a couple of times, to get
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Well, okay. That's a deadbolt. That's a deadbolt for sure.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Lou Wilson
Just whip around, and kick the shit out of it.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
[Electric guitar begins to play a Flamenco style melody]
Erika Ishii
[Laugh] Okay. Give me a roll.
Lou Wilson That's a 3.
Erika Ishii
Ooh.Let's see. You damage it. You can see that it sort of—the hinges give a little bit.
[Thud]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Agh. My ankle, shit.
Erika Ishii Aww.
Lou Wilson
Shit, I'm gonna to need a second. I'm going to need a second now.
Aabria Iyengar
Oh. I think that was a good idea.
Lou Wilson
Just, kind of limping.
Erika Ishii
You gotta walk it off.
Ruthie (Brennan) You must be careful!
Aabria Iyengar
I want to try to motivate Itsa to kick again, with a little more heat? Can I roll to do magic, to—
Erika Ishii
WHAT! We can't have magic in this!
Aabria Iyengar Why!?
Brennan Lee Mulligan Hear her out.
Aabria Iyengar
You gotta listen to all the way!
Lou Wilson
Hear her out. Hear her out.
Erika Ishii
Go on. Go on. Pitch me magic.
Aabria Iyengar
Because I'm a little bad boy goat, and I want to remind Itsa Winnerbaby of the fated race, when he hurt his ankle.
[Crowd muttering, a man speaks through an intercom. The sounds of a horse race]
Aabria Iyengar
And I want all the sounds of hooves running across soft turf, and the jockey, his owner, his trusted race companion, telling him to go inside. Against his better judgment.
The Jockey (Erika)
[A fancy man voice] Inside, Itsa! You have to take the inside!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Obviously, we gotta go outside. We go around—
The Jockey (Erika) Gotta, faster!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Fuck, fine!
[Snapping ankle]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) AAAGH!
The Jockey (Erika)
Oh, no! I say, my horse seems to have sustained an injury!
Aabria Iyengar
[Laughing] Why is this what jockeys sound like!
Erika Ishii
You feel—you feel the heels of a small man, digging into your sides. You hear the roar of the crowd, the smell of the turf, and that blinding, searing pain, as you feel something give way in your ankle.
Lou Wilson
I think it's not even like an intentional kick at the door, it's just a full buck, it's like a get off—
Aabria Iyengar YEAH!
Lou Wilson
—I have to get this feeling off of me. And we'll give it another kick.
Erika Ishii
Okay, give it a kick.
Lou Wilson That's a 5.
Erika Ishii
Okay. And with Aabria's help—
Aabria Iyengar
Heh heh heh heh heh heh.
Erika Ishii
—that is an extra 1, and that's a 6!
Lou Wilson Great.
Erika Ishii
You made it to a 6, also make sure that you kept track of that one experience point.
Lou Wilson Yes, I did.
Aabria Iyengar
Phillip's horns are a little bit longer and a little curlier now.
Erika Ishii [Cackle]
Ruthie (Brennan)
Mm! A little more Satanic!
Aabria Iyengar
Like a little bit, as a treat!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Love it.
Lou Wilson
As a treat. It's a treat!
Erika Ishii Alright, and—
[Door explodes]
Erika Ishii
—the door explodes in!! A splintering of the frame, it's just absolutely wrecked. Tomorrow, when the—when Tad, and the rest of the farmhands come by, they're going to wonder—it doesn't even look like a horse kicked it, it just looks like there was a bomb left here.
[Aabria and Erika chuckle menacingly]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Sorry. Memory of worse days.
Ruthie (Brennan)
I have to say, Phillip, incredible motivation. I've never seen someone so deftly motivate someone, by plunging them right into their deepest trauma!
[Everyone laughs]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Was that you, Phillip? Did you—?
Phillip (Aabria) Who could say?
Aabria Iyengar
And I just trot happily, like waggling my little tail into the shed!
Phillip (Aabria)
Everyone's most themselves, when they are at their worst.
Aabria Iyengar
Trot trot trot trot trot!
Ruthie (Brennan)
That goat is fucked up!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Bitch is crazy.
Ruthie (Brennan) Crazy
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Has he ever hit you with the—
Ruthie (Brennan)
Yeah the "deliciously"—
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
—"in the dark of the night"—
Ruthie (Brennan)
—"in the dark of the night, do you wanna—" Yeah, something about butter and I was like—
Aabria Iyengar [Cackling]
Ruthie (Brennan)
—"I've had enough butter in my life, young man, thank you."
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) It's a lot. It is a lot.
Erika Ishii
You walk inside and, in contrast to the rustic farm aesthetic of the outside, this inside is all brutalist. It is metal countertops, it is a perfectly sorted, minimalist design, of ya know, a little workshop. There's also—even though the space is very small, there's a tiny foosball table in the corner. And you see,
scattered all around, are marketing materials. There's flyers advertising for the Family Farm Incorporated Heirloom Kettle Corn Truck. There is stickers, that are being handed out, for the County Fair Hot Dog Eating Contest Sponsored By Family Farms Incorporated. You already did know about this, this sudden push on the pigs—it's been a bad month for the pigs.
Phillip (Aabria) [Sinister chuckle]
Erika Ishii
You see a drawing of the truck. It is being retrofitted, to be up to code, so that they can pop the kettle corn. You see the—a bin in there. It's a large bin, for holding feed and corn. And this is actually the kind of bin that is airtight, that is used to hold the Kerrrn, in the chicken coop.
Lou Wilson Mm.
Erika Ishii
But you can see that there is a space for it in the schematics for the truck. You also see, in all of this branding, just everything is—the aesthetic is so rustick-y looking, and there's a font that screams "fresh," and "eco-friendly." And it's just a true nightmare, of Goop proportions.
[Aabria and Brennan laugh]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
There's a space in the truck for a bin, exactly like the one that the Kerrrn is served in.
Erika Ishii Yes.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
And we're also when we are fed Kerrrn, is it visibly, or tactilely, any different than regular corn, or does it look the exact same?
Aabria Iyengar Good Q, good Q!
Erika Ishii
It looks very similar to corn. Like, if you just look at it, and even if you smell it, it's been sprayed with corn scent, so that, you know, it smells like corn, and it's visually very similar. If you put your hand inside it and you touch it, there's just something—it's not quite right. It's like, more powdery?
Brennan Lee Mulligan Mhm.
Aabria Iyengar Mm.
Erika Ishii
If that makes sense? Almost like gritty, like when you bite on too much spinach and then your teeth feel gritty?
Aabria Iyengar
Ooh! Why would you—ugh.
Erika Ishii
It's like that! But visually, very similar, and smell-wise, it smells almost TOO corn-like.
Lou Wilson Mm.
Aabria Iyengar Mmm.
Erika Ishii Yes.
Ruthie (Brennan)
It's like my husband Alonso used to say: "Why extract your own jackpot, when you can get the mark to do it for you?"
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) What? What?
Phillip (Aabria)
Your husband used to say that?
Ruthie (Brennan) Mm! Yes!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
How often? Like, regularly?
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) And in res—
Ruthie (Brennan)
He would scream it in his sleep.
[Aabria and Erika cackle.]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Oh, okay. Yeah.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Yeah. He screamed a lot of, sort of, crime tips in his sleep.
Phillip (Aabria) Interesting.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) I mean, that must be—
Phillip (Aabria) That's helpful
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
—as another criminal, that's—I can't imagine.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Yeah. Well, some of it got a little bit like, "Okay, you're screaming this in your sleep. I know—I already know this."
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
Ruthie (Brennan)
And then one time he screamed something, and I thought I caught his eye open, and I was like, oh, you're just trying to give me notes.
Phillip (Aabria) Oh!
Erika Ishii [Cackle]
Phillip (Aabria) That's awkward.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Oh so now—then it gets into a weird kind of mansplaining space.
Ruthie (Brennan) Yes.
Phillip (Aabria) Ahh.
Ruthie (Brennan)
It started to get a little mansplain-y, and I was like, "Listen, either your conscious or your subconscious is mansplaining."
[Aabria and Lou laugh]
Ruthie (Brennan)
"There's work to do either way."
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Anyway, was it applying to something in this moment?
Ruthie (Brennan)
Well! The truck has shape for the Kerrrn bins in it, which makes me think that probably due to this—I mean, Tad coming back from Cornell—eugh, one of the worst of the Ivies.
Phillip (Aabria) Ha. Corn.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
I hate it. Doesn't even count if you ask me.
Phillip (Aabria) It doesn't.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Too far north.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Too far north. Shouldn't be an Ivy.
Phillip (Aabria) [Chuckle]
Ruthie (Brennan)
Coming back from Cornell, Tad's had all these bizdev concepts, of creating efficiencies, and economies of scale, and just, eugh, blech.
Phillip (Aabria)
Hold on. You can't read "Goat Yoga," but you understand the phrase bizdev?
Ruthie (Brennan)
Alonso used to scream business development in his sleep.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Now we KNOW it's mansplaining, and it was definitely not subconscious.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Yeah, he kept being like "Economies of scale! BuhGAWK!" And I said, "Now everyone's trying to sleep, alright?"
[Aabria and Lou laugh]
Ruthie (Brennan)
No but, what I'm saying is I think the truck might be used for more than just the kettle corn. It might be used to also make the deliveries on the actual farmyard. It would make sense if they're trying to find more efficiencies.
Phillip (Aabria) Oh.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Point being: if we're looking for a way to extract the real corn, disguising it as Kerrrn, and having the humans feed it to us, themselves without knowing...
Phillip (Aabria)
Oh... That's very smart.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
But it's a year's worth of corn.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Years worth of corn. But, how much do they normally store in a silo?
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Is there any way for us to know if a year's worth of corn would be something that is held on the farm already, or if one of those bins could potentially be like a year's supply?
Erika Ishii
Yeah, you know that there will be enough corn on that truck for years supply. That's just—they are going all out on this push at the County Fair.
Ruthie (Brennan)
I mean, this is always what it is, right? You know, the easy part of a heist is getting the money. How do you spend it? We can GET the corn, but how do we actually eat it and live, without the humans knowing?
Erika Ishii Phillip.
Phillip (Aabria) Yes?
Erika Ishii
With your reading skills, you can see, on the table, there are things that are readable. Would you like to go see what you can read?
Aabria Iyengar
I would love to get up there and go read some things, thank you.
Erika Ishii
Ok, give me a roll to see. You can read, but how well can you—how comprehensively can you read?
Aabria Iyengar
Ooh! Reading comprehension?
Erika Ishii
Reading comprehension!
Aabria Iyengar
That's a different skill!
Erika Ishii
It's a different skill!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Roll for media literacy.
Aabria Iyengar I rolled a 3.
Erika Ishii
Wait, you get two—you rolled two?
Aabria Iyengar
I rolled two dice and I got a 3!
Erika Ishii
Interesting. Interesting.
Aabria Iyengar I'm just there like
Phillip (Aabria)
This all says Goat Yoga.
[Brennan and Erika laugh]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) All of these?
Phillip (Aabria) Everything.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
But they make me feel—there's like a kind of vibe of freshness and, kind of like—
Phillip (Aabria) No, a vibe has—
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) —rusticness, kinda coming off—
Phillip (Aabria)
Everyone can get a vibe—
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Yes.
Phillip (Aabria)
—but the words are all Goat Yoga.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
It's just Goat yoga over and over? Now these—now I'm realizing, because the bucket thing, the thing that's a bucket, didn't have any of these shapes on it, but they're different shapes, and they all say goat yoga?
Phillip (Aabria) All of them.
Lou Wilson
I'm—Phil—that's not my name. My name is not Phillip. Itsa's going to start just pushing papers onto the ground.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
All of these say Goat Yoga?
Aabria Iyengar
As Itsa is pushing papers, can I try to subtly, throw a paper I think is important away?
Erika Ishii Yeah!
Aabria Iyengar
And kind of kick it, so it goes and lands behind a desk?
Erika Ishii Yeah!
Aabria Iyengar
Do I have to roll for it?
Erika Ishii Roll—give me...
Aabria Iyengar Sleight of hoof?
Erika Ishii
Give me—yeah, give me sleight of hoof.
Aabria Iyengar 1!
Erika Ishii
That is a 1! So fully—
Ruthie (Brennan)
Phil, you keep pointing to this piece of paper—
Phillip (Aabria) [Goat shriek]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Yes, why—do you want—do you want me to move it for you?
Aabria Iyengar
It's stuck on my hoof like
Phillip (Aabria) [Stammering]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Yeah, I'll get it off.
Phillip (Aabria)
Thanks! Agh, thank you!
Erika Ishii
Itsa, you see, as you pull that piece of paper off, it is a map! And this is nice because it has pictures on it. And, you know, pictures!
Lou Wilson
I nose it in front of everyone.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
This. I understand. This—these are—that's a farm.
Ruthie (Brennan) Mmm.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
And I guess that farm is there.
Ruthie (Brennan)
See, this is why I can read hieroglyphs, but not writing.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Mmm.
[Aabria and Erika cackle]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) This is uh—
Erika Ishii
Actually, on closer inspection—
Aabria Iyengar
Ruth is an Egyptologist.
Erika Ishii
—it's not of the farm, it is a map of the fair. It is a little map, that somebody has put together, in order to show the different attractions at the County Fair.
[Tense heist planning jazz music]
Erika Ishii
And you can see—even though you don't have all the details of each thing, you can see, there's little pictures that show, like a pig, and a carrot, and a first prize ribbon, so there's a Prize Winning Livestock, and Prize Winning Produce contest. There is a little—an easel with a landscape on it. And that's the Arts and Crafts Exhibition. There's a Ferris Wheel, a little Tilt-A-Whirl. There's a funhouse, you can see that, because there's fun little mirrors, and there's a clown and a house.
Phillip (Aabria)
[Out of character voice] Have you seen a mirror before?
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) I have.
Phillip (Aabria)
[Out of character voice] Was it a good experien—
Aabria Iyengar Sorry.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) No.
Phillip (Aabria)
[In character voice] Was it a good experience?
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) It was not.
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
Erika Ishii
You can see there's also—you see a horse on there.
Aabria Iyengar [Gasp]
Erika Ishii
And that horse is attached to a cart, and that cart looks to be pulling bales of hay around. And there's a little map, like a little pirate treasure footsteps thing, where—that goes in a loop around the carnival.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
They're going to have horses pulling carts here.
Phillip (Aabria) Oh. Ohh.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Really dark stuff.
Erika Ishii
The final thing that you see is—
Ruthie (Brennan)
I'm sorry did you say "really dark stuff?" Pulling carts?
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Yeah.
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) It's crazy.
Phillip (Aabria) Could you imagine?
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Pulling—making a beautiful, majestic, impeccable horse, pull a—pull a cart? One thing to ride, but another thing, to treat us as BEASTS OF LABOR! That's not what we are! It's not what we're meant to be...
Lou Wilson
Look wistfully off.
Aabria Iyengar
I'm just doing happy taps. I like when Itsa gets spiced up!
Erika Ishii [Laugh] Yeah!
[An organ version of "Londonderry Air" begins to play]
Erika Ishii
As you look off, you see in the far, far distance, a place with red rocks, with wide open spaces as far as the eye can see.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Ruthie... Ya ever heard, of some magical place called... Sedona?
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Ruthie (Brennan) [Wistful sigh] I have.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
They say the horses out there run free.
Ruthie (Brennan) I know they do.
Erika Ishii
The wind lifts your mane. You can feel it.
Ruthie (Brennan) Beautiful. Sedona.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Sedona.
Ruthie (Brennan) Sedona.
Phillip (Aabria)
Sedona. Sorry. We were all doing it.
Erika Ishii [Cackle]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Yeah... Anyway, sorry, I didn't mean to get on my high horse.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii Ah!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Ha! Ha! Haa! What can I say?
Erika Ishii
The last little marking on the fair attractions map is—you see a two-headed rooster on it. A two-headed rooster. And you see it's a little sideshow looking thing, it looks like a little circus tent, which you probably don't know circus tent, but you know, the stripes—
Lou Wilson Yeah.
Erika Ishii
—means entertainment.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
So everything on the map of interest that we've seen, the horses pulling carts, Freak Show with two-headed rooster. What were the other attractions we saw there?
Erika Ishii Carnival rides.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Carnival rides.
Erika Ishii
You saw a Ferris wheel, a Tilt-A-Whirl, a funhouse, an Arts and Crafts Exhibition, and the farm contests, with Prize Winning Livestock, and Prize Winning Produce. And a Hot Dog Eating Contest—
Aabria Iyengar Sponsored By—
Erika Ishii
—Sponsored By Family Farms Incorporated.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
I've seen maps like this before. They had one for the derby when I ran it back in 97.
Phillip (Aabria) Oh!
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
This thing, it's a big wheel. People ride on it, takes them all the way up in the sky, and then brings them back down. Somethin' tells me—
[Aabria, Erika, and Lou laugh]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Something tells me we hitch a few of those loose, the whole wheel goes a-spin in there, kills a few—
Lou Wilson [Laughs]
Phillip (Aabria) Yes, good.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
I mean I don't know, is that crazy? Is that crazy?
Phillip (Aabria)
I love where your heads at.
Ruthie (Brennan)
No no no, no judgment in brainstorming.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
We're in the brainstorming phase, right? Is that too crazy?
Phillip (Aabria) It's a blue sky.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Hold on. Alright. Can you do some reverse reading?
Phillip (Aabria)
Yes! I would love to.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Okay. Idea number one.
Lou Wilson [Laughing]
Ruthie (Brennan) Sabotage—
Aabria Iyengar
I jam a little pen in between the cleft of my hoof.
Erika Ishii
[Laugh] Okay, actually—
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Erika Ishii
—roll to Reverse Read.
Aabria Iyengar Thank you!
Erika Ishii
This goes under—I'll say this goes under Read?
Aabria Iyengar Ooh!
Erika Ishii
So give me two.
Aabria Iyengar
Thank you. What feels good today?
Erika Ishii
And anybody can—once again, you can help.
Lou Wilson I'll aid.
Brennan Lee Mulligan I'm going to assist, yeah.
Aabria Iyengar Yay!!
Erika Ishii
Okay, what is the skill you will use to assist?
Brennan Lee Mulligan I will use Sweet Talk.
Aabria Iyengar [Gasp]
Erika Ishii Aww!
Ruthie (Brennan)
You're such a smart young man.
Phillip (Aabria) Thank you!
Ruthie (Brennan)
I know you're going to do so well.
Phillip (Aabria)
Oh, thank you very much Ruthie.
Ruthie (Brennan)
And I know that the devil will give you all the power you need!
Phillip (Aabria) Thank you!
Aabria Iyengar Aww!
Erika Ishii
Okay, actually, I think you can only use—okay, so that's plus two, actually. that's plus two. And you can only use one skill at a time to assist somebody else. So that's a two. Okay.
Aabria Iyengar
Alright. Oof. Alright, we've got 10 on the dice, plus 2 is 12.
Erika Ishii
Oh my god! Alright, so that's a heroic level of success? So, yeah, you absolutely—
Aabria Iyengar
I am writing in, like, Old English font.
Erika Ishii
It's a gorgeous calligraphy. All your S's do look like F's though?
Aabria Iyengar They do, they do.
Erika Ishii But—
Phillip (Aabria) That's on purpose.
Erika Ishii But, yeah—
Phillip (Aabria)
That's how you know.
Ruthie (Brennan)
It's just like a little colonial time—
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah!
Ruthie (Brennan) —sort of thing?
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah yeah yeah.
Ruthie (Brennan) That's fun.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) I like that.
Erika Ishii
That's Writing 3, you have Writing 3 now.
Lou Wilson Wow!
Aabria Iyengar [Gasp] Yes!
Lou Wilson
It's Reverse Reading alright?
Phillip (Aabria)
It's Reverse Reading.
Erika Ishii
Ok, Reverse Reading.
Lou Wilson
Whatever word you just said, is not the word in MY head.
Phillip (Aabria)
Whatever the Lord just said was wrong.
Erika Ishii
[Epically] You have Reverse Read 3.
Phillip (Aabria)
Thank you for your support, Ruthie.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
So idea number 1.) Turn this—the big—the Fun Wheel, into a Wheel of Death.
Erika Ishii [Cackling]
Phillip (Aabria) Yes.
Ruthie (Brennan) Correct.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) That's just one idea.
Phillip (Aabria)
Let me be clear. I don't think we're gonna do better than that one, but let's keep going.
[Tense heist planning music returns]
Ruthie (Brennan)
Exactly. And sometimes, you know, you come back all the way around.
Phillip (Aabria)
Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Yes, that's what we—
Phillip (Aabria) Like the wheel!
Ruthie (Brennan) So first place—
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) I like that.
Ruthie (Brennan)
First place is wheel of death, right? Second place is—and, you know, these could be different phases or steps of the plan.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Mm, yes.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Using the cart. Because the track goes all the way around, if we were to disguise Itsa as one of these cart horses, we would have access—
Phillip (Aabria) Oh, yeah.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Yeah, but I'm—I'm just disguised as one because I would NEVER.
Phillip (Aabria) You would never.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) I would NEVER.
Ruthie (Brennan)
You would never. But your alias, "Thatsa."
Phillip (Aabria) "Thatsa."
Ruthie (Brennan) "Thatsa Loserhoney!"
[Aabria and Erika laugh]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Yes. Alright, if I were to become—I like this. Performance! A little acting!
Phillip (Aabria) Ooh!
Erika Ishii [Dying laughing]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Yes, I would play the role of a beast of burden named "Thatsa Loserhoney!"
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
I like that. Let's put that—put that on the board.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Phillip (Aabria)
I put it on the board.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Alright. The truck—the actual truck itself—
Phillip (Aabria) Yes.
Ruthie (Brennan)
—we know it has a holding space for the Kerrrn bin.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Yes.
Ruthie (Brennan)
So that's another resource.
Phillip (Aabria) Yes.
Ruthie (Brennan)
And, right now, we have access to all of this material. All this material that's going to be posted up and handed out at the fair, all of these flyers and things like that, and we have an incredible Reverse Reader right here—
Phillip (Aabria) Thank you!
Ruthie (Brennan)
—that could put any kind of information we want. Now, what would get people excited? What would get them involved? What would get them... A smocial moment contest...
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) A what?
Ruthie (Brennan) A cr—a ss—
Phillip (Aabria)
She's trying to say social media.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Oh. Oh! The thing that everyone keeps saying!
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
Ruthie (Brennan) Yes!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
The thing that Blip and Blip 2 got married for!
Aabria Iyengar [Cackling]
Ruthie (Brennan) Yes!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
The thing for engagements, yes?
Brennan Lee Mulligan Yes!
Aabria Iyengar
Hey, is there an open MacBook in this room?
Erika Ishii
Roll to look—wait, no, you are good at Electronics, so give me a two—
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Erika Ishii
—give me two, for looking at stuff.
Aabria Iyengar 9!
Erika Ishii
[Long pause, Laugh] Okay. Yeah. Alright. You see there's absolutely the newest shiniest Mac—
Aabria Iyengar Perfect.
Erika Ishii
—out there, yes. It's not locked.
Aabria Iyengar
Look, I feel like if we haven't figured out, the bit I'm personally doing is, I'm the devil. I know how to get to Twitter, right?
Lou Wilson
So now, we 'bout to watch this—we keep saying "Reverse Reading—"
Ruthie (Brennan)
Phillip. Phillip. Phillip. This is a COUNTY Fair. You gotta do Facebook.
Phillip (Aabria)
Ah, yeah, you're right you're right you're right!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
You gotta go Facebook for this one Phillip.
Ruthie (Brennan)
I know YOU feel like no one's on it. EVERYBODY coming to a County Fair is on it, alright? I promise you.
Erika Ishii
Alright! You have two in—
Aabria Iyengar Reverse—
Erika Ishii —Electronics—
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Erika Ishii
—so roll me two in—for social media.
Aabria Iyengar
Okay. I'm going to reroll that one, even though it was higher. Oh, I got the same. 8.
Erika Ishii
[Long pause] God dammit.
[Aabria and Erika laugh]
Aabria Iyengar I'm so—
Erika Ishii Yes!
Aabria Iyengar
—I've gone away from Facebook, I am a full redditor now, and I'm just typing ignorant shit—
Erika Ishii [Cackle]
Aabria Iyengar
—until someone gives me something better to do.
Erika Ishii
Yeah! You're absolutely on the dankest, dirtiest subreddits right now.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah. Yeah.
Erika Ishii
Posting mean things that make you feel good!
Phillip (Aabria)
Heh heh heh. Heh heh heh.
Ruthie (Brennan)
What the hell is this? Chodes of Farmland?
Phillip (Aabria)
You can read now, heh heh heh.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Chodes of Farmland? Wait, so—so, wait—
Ruthie (Brennan)
PitchforkTunaCan69? What the hell is this?
Phillip (Aabria) My name!
Brennan Lee Mulligan [Laugh]
Lou Wilson
Hold on. Can I real—can I roll to read? I feel left out.
Aabria Iyengar I wanna help!
Erika Ishii Oh, god!
Lou Wilson
I need to be a part of this!
Aabria Iyengar
I have two in Read, I'm helping!
Erika Ishii
Also, you're all—are you letting me know when you have 6s, by the way?
Aabria Iyengar Yeah. Yeah.
Erika Ishii
Do you have any 6s? Cool. Alright, so Phillip finds Tad's Macintosh computer, and opens it up.
[Mac startup noise]
Erika Ishii
Absolutely creates a username for himself, and—
Aabria Iyengar PitchforkTunaCan69.
Erika Ishii
PitchforkTunaCan69, and is browsing around on Reddit, but uses the—god dammit, let me roll something for you. Wait—
Aabria Iyengar
[Laughing] Do you need dice?
Erika Ishii
I got—I left my dice in my bag!
Aabria Iyengar
Here here! You're good.
Erika Ishii
Okay, alright. Okay. [Laughs] Okay.
Aabria Iyengar [Sinister giggling]
Erika Ishii
Tad has left his Facebook signed in.
Lou Wilson Oh, great.
Brennan Lee Mulligan [Gasp]
Aabria Iyengar
Perfect. Wait, did you roll to read? Can you read too?
Lou Wilson
I did. I rolled a five plus one equals six.
Aabria Iyengar
No, I help. I have Read two. So it gives you two points, I think.
Erika Ishii Oh!
Lou Wilson
Oh, it does give me two points?
Erika Ishii
Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah.
Lou Wilson Okay, so I got a 7.
Erika Ishii
Oh okay, yeah, wow. Alright—
Aabria Iyengar
Can Itsa read now? And can read all of my toxicity!
Erika Ishii
Alright. Itsa, you don't get another level in it, but you have Read.
Lou Wilson
So I have Read one?
Erika Ishii Yeah, Read one.
Lou Wilson I—
Aabria Iyengar
[Chanting] Roll to read! Join this hate!
Erika Ishii Oh my god.
Lou Wilson
A general kind of unsettled feeling about the world as it is, and where it's headed, comes over me.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii Oh no!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I got a 5, can anyone help me?
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Lou Wilson I'll help you!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Yes, great.
Aabria Iyengar
Can we both help? And it's a plus three?
Brennan Lee Mulligan
See, reading is so easy, and we all learned to read TODAY.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Today! Now, reverse writing, that's a whole 'nother bag.
Phillip (Aabria)
It's different, because it's hard, because it's little movements.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Erika, can Ruth—can Ruthie roll Sweet Talk, to try to develop a social media strategy?
[Aabria and Lou laugh]
Erika Ishii
Oh my god, you can ABSOLUTELY do that, so. You're gonna be rolling two Sweet Talk in order to—yes. Okay.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Alright.
Erika Ishii
Rolling two Sweet Talk.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Eugh, not good. A 5 overall.
Erika Ishii
Alright, well, you're on there, but you keep seeing—suddenly appears on Tad's Facebook: Social media. Social media strategy. Social media strategy for chickens. Social media strategy for chickens Ruthie.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Yeah, I think I go into all of the posts about the County Fair already, and I'm like, here's the plan: like, and respond to every single comment—
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
—with "Thank you. Love the good farm. Love the good farm family. Good time family farm."
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Is this wor—is this—this is
Aabria Iyengar
Am I typing for you, or are you typing?
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I don't know how to type.
Aabria Iyengar Okay, I'm typing—
Erika Ishii
You don't hunt and peck??
Aabria Iyengar
—but I'm not using any punctuation.
Lou Wilson
You don't know hunt and peck?
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I don't know hunt and peck. Well, I don't know Reverse Read.
Lou Wilson Yes.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Brennan Lee Mulligan I just know Sweet Talk!
[Everyone laughs]
Lou Wilson
I don't know Reverse Read.
Aabria Iyengar
I'm typing everything verbatim, but my spelling's not great.
Erika Ishii
Okay, actually—I'm sorry, you didn't get any 6s for—
Aabria Iyengar Correct.
Erika Ishii
So you're still—
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Phillip is ending everything with the passive aggressive ellipsis at the end of every sen—
Aabria Iyengar YUP!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Yes!
Erika Ishii Great.
Aabria Iyengar
[Laugh] And the wrong emoji.
Erika Ishii
Okay. But you do manage—so you do get to be on the World Wide Web. You do get into—access to Tad's Facebook, and actually, while you—Ruthie, you said you were looking at the County Fair's Facebook page?
Brennan Lee Mulligan Mhm.
Erika Ishii
Alright, you learn a couple of more things about it. You get little details about each of the attractions, like—
Brennan Lee Mulligan Okay!
Aabria Iyengar Oooh!
Erika Ishii
—the Prize Winning Livestock, and Prize Winning Produce, is all going to be housed in the Rec Center! The Arts and Crafts Exhibition includes quilts, landscape and pastoral paintings, ceramics, and macrame! The hay ride goes around—can do a full loop in 15 minutes, of the entire fair. The Animal Freak Show includes a two-headed chicken, a bearded dragon, and a raccoon!
Aabria Iyengar [Bursts out laughing]
Phillip (Aabria) Okay.
Erika Ishii
Just a raccoon.
Phillip (Aabria)
Here's the thing. We could all—you—okay. You're going to be the horse, but for pretend.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
It's not me, it's Thatsa Loserhoney—
Phillip (Aabria)
Thatsa Loserhoney. Yes.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
—the character I will be playing.
Phillip (Aabria)
So YOU can do that, and then maybe WE can sneak into the fair by pretending to be wrong animals, in the Freak Show.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Oh, yeah.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Two-headed chicken, a raccoon.
Erika Ishii
A two-headed rooster.
Phillip (Aabria) Among other things.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Mhm! A two-headed rooster.
Erika Ishii
Yeah, amongst other things, but the things that are really touted, are a two-headed chicken, a bearded dragon, which looks to be a bearded dragon, but with additional extra frills on it, and just a—it looks like a normal ass raccoon.
Phillip (Aabria) Just a raccoon.
Erika Ishii
He's big. He beeg.
Phillip (Aabria) It's a thick boy.
Ruthie (Brennan)
A thick boy. Alright.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Are, we gonna dress you up as the raccoon?
Erika Ishii [Gasp]
Phillip (Aabria) We could do it.
[Heist music starts up]
Ruthie (Brennan)
The raccoon, a bearded dragon, and a two-headed chicken. There's only one disguise that makes sense for me.
[Laugh]
Ruthie (Brennan)
I'm going to dress up as the human barker.
[Everyone laughs]
Phillip (Aabria)
Yeah, perfect! It's perfect.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Alright, so we'll get you—we'll need an outfit. Well, we're all actually—
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Carnival barking] Step right up, step right up!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) I'm convinced! That's—
Phillip (Aabria)
Yeah, that's really good.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
You're ready to go, and were—you're going in under the guise of...?
Phillip (Aabria)
Well I was—you gotta be tall, though, so maybe we could just kind of stack on each other.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
A double—yes, ah that's perfect.
Phillip (Aabria)
Yeah! You could stand on my shoulders. It's like the opposite of goat yoga. [Gasp] It's goat yoga, but I'm the yoga now!
Brennan Lee Mulligan [Laugh]
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Seriously] That's exactly right.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
This morning, I learned to read. And this is—my brain, is getting tired! Right, but I like this plan. We're getting in—You guys, are getting in—
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
—in the Animal Freak Show. I'm getting in on the carriage.
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Then we're undoing some kind of mechanisms under the wheel—
Phillip (Aabria) Yes.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
—and turning it into a Wheel of Death!!
Phillip (Aabria) [Laughing] Yeah!
Erika Ishii
You also see that—as you scroll down, you see somebody saying, like, "Um, excuse me, but what about security?" And the County Fair social media admin has said "There will be a security force there, they are on horses, in keeping with our little county aesthetic!" So you know that there will be security on the premises.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Is there anything there about what—like the actual security company, or any of the, like, security—you know, like—is there any info about WHO the security is actually going to be?
Erika Ishii
It's the—The Blue Boys Security Company, and it says "The Blue Boys Security Company. We are not the police."
Brennan Lee Mulligan Not the police!
Aabria Iyengar
It's a little private firm called Backwater!
Erika Ishii [Cackle]
Ruthie (Brennan)
Well, little boy blue, alright.
Phillip (Aabria)
Wait, there's horns now?
Ruthie (Brennan)
Well, speaking of horns, there might be someone for you to headbutt. And by headbutt—
Phillip (Aabria) Yesss!
Ruthie (Brennan)
—I mean... Recklessly endanger.
Phillip (Aabria) Yay!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I'm going to look over at Phillip and say
Ruthie (Brennan)
Alright, you're logged into Tad's Facebook, right?
Phillip (Aabria) I am.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Send a facebook message to the public group for the Blue Boys Security Company, and tell them they're all fired!
Phillip (Aabria)
Yeah! Yeah yeah yeah! I'm going to fire them.
Ruthie (Brennan)
I'm sure you can fire someone over a Facebook message!
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
Erika Ishii [Laughing]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Yes, I mean, there's nothing more professional.
Phillip (Aabria) Thank you.
Erika Ishii
Alright, so you can—you have—
Aabria Iyengar Can I roll for HR?
Erika Ishii
Yeah. Roll for HR. Yes yes yes yes.
Phillip (Aabria) 5!
Erika Ishii
Wait, give me two, actually.
Aabria Iyengar
9 total! No, 6s. My dice have forgotten how to do that number.
Erika Ishii
Alright, well, I was actually looking for a 10.
Aabria Iyengar
Aw beans. Wait, can you use Sweet Talk?
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I can use Sweet Talk. I can add one.
Lou Wilson
Yeah! Make it a compliment sandwich!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I'll add two, compliment sandwich.
Aabria Iyengar [Cackle]
Brennan Lee Mulligan So it starts—
Ruthie (Brennan)
Alright, so, open it up with this. Say, "First of all, I want to commend you on a wonderful security company!" Then fire them!
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
Ruthie (Brennan)
And then at the end say, "Thank you again for your... Punctuality..."
[Aabria and Lou laugh]
Ruthie (Brennan) "And..."
Phillip (Aabria)
"Your willingness to do harm in the name of capitalism."
Ruthie (Brennan) Yes! Wonderful!
Phillip (Aabria) Thank you!
Ruthie (Brennan) Well done Phillip!
Phillip (Aabria)
We work so good together, high five!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Fluff.
Aabria Iyengar Pew! [Laugh] Just—
Brennan Lee Mulligan Puh!
Aabria Iyengar
Like a little pillow fight!
Erika Ishii
Somewhere, on the other side of the county—ping! Somebody gets a Facebook message on the public page, and they're like
Facebook Agent [Erika]
Tad—Theodore Williams is firing us? Hey, Roger, we have the contract for the County Fair, right?
Roger [Erika]
Yeah, we've done it three years running.
Facebook Agent [Erika]
Uh, Tad Williams is sending us an email—
Roger [Erika]
Well, who is Tad Williams to fire us? He doesn't have that authority.
Phillip (Aabria)
I send a follow up email. "You can keep—we're still gonna pay you, just don't show up."
Facebook Agent [Erika]
It says here that they're going to pay us and we don't have to.
Roger [Erika] Oh, absolutely.
Facebook Agent [Erika] Alright!
Ruthie (Brennan) Oh, oh! And then—
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah?
Ruthie (Brennan) —follow it up with this.
Phillip (Aabria) One more. PPS.
Ruthie (Brennan)
They are not to contact your parents, Farmer Williams, and Mrs. The Farmer William's Wife.
Phillip (Aabria) Yes, yes.
Ruthie (Brennan) They are—because!
Phillip (Aabria) Because?
Ruthie (Brennan) They have an illness—
Phillip (Aabria) [Gasp]
Ruthie (Brennan)
—that can only be treated—
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Bleeding in the brain!
Phillip (Aabria) Yes!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Tell 'em it's bleeding in the brain!
Phillip (Aabria)
[Sounding out] Bleeding...
Ruthie (Brennan)
They've each had an aneurysm, that is treated by putting a small pacemaker inside the brain.
Erika Ishii [Laugh]
Aabria Iyengar Yes. Yes good.
Ruthie (Brennan)
But if they read an email, or get a phone call—
Phillip (Aabria) They'll die.
Ruthie (Brennan)
—or talk to anyone, the pacemaker blows up!
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah! Yeah!
Ruthie (Brennan)
And it kills their brain!
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah. YEAH!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
And then we tell them there's been a recent study—
Phillip (Aabria) One more! PPPS!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
There's a recent study that says, that people who ride horses, it destroys their genitalia! And so—
Aabria Iyengar
Can I generate that study? I want to get it published really quick. How much time do we have?
Erika Ishii
[Wheezing laughing] Give me a roll. Okay, I'm gonna—this is a—this is a legendary—
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Wait!! Email Cornell! Email Cornell!!
[Everyone laughs]
Lou Wilson Email Cornell!
Aabria Iyengar "Dear Cornell!"
Erika Ishii This is a—
Aabria Iyengar
"Please publish me, I gave you money!"
Erika Ishii
Look, I don't think you can make this with a—
Aabria Iyengar
You don't know that.
Erika Ishii
—with a two? With two, you're gonna need—
Aabria Iyengar
I have three in Reverse Read. This is typin'. I'm typing.
Erika Ishii
You have two for reverse—you have two for Read and Reverse Read.
Aabria Iyengar
I have three in Reverse Read now!
Erika Ishii
I'm sorry, I think that was mistake, unless—did you roll a six when you rolled for Reverse Read?
Aabria Iyengar
No, but if I get helped, does it—you add a pip, so does that make the die a six?
Erika Ishii
Oh, I think it does.
Brennan Lee Mulligan It does, yeah.
Aabria Iyengar
Then I do have a couple 6s!
Erika Ishii
Okay, well, give me three.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Erika Ishii
We're looking for a—this is a legendary action, to have—to have—to convince the police force that—
Brennan Lee Mulligan Giving two.
Lou Wilson
Giving you two. Giving you two.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Giving you two.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Erika Ishii
You can only do one!
Aabria Iyengar Stop it!
Erika Ishii
You can only have two! So plus two! You need a 16—
Aabria Iyengar
I rolled terrible, it doesn't doesn't matter
Erika Ishii What'd you get?
Aabria Iyengar
I got a 7—nope, 10.
Erika Ishii
10, plus 2, 12. You did not make it. The study—you know Cornell—
Aabria Iyengar Can I try again?
Erika Ishii
No!! No you can't. But give yourself experience point!
Aabria Iyengar Okay!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Alright.
Lou Wilson
But you still send them an article—
Erika Ishii
So here's the thing—so this is what happens—
Brennan Lee Mulligan Okay—
Aabria Iyengar
I generated an article, it just wasn't published.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
We can't generate an article, it's going to take too long to publish it.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Brennan Lee Mulligan So just follow up—
Aabria Iyengar
It's a Medium article.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
All the stuff about exploding brains, that's all true.
Lou Wilson
Yeah. That's ALL true.
Brennan Lee Mulligan That's all true. And then
Ruthie (Brennan)
Tell them that they also won a prize, and that they should go to the airport, and live there until a plane comes—
Phillip (Aabria)
[Laughing] Okay! I'll send that.
Ruthie (Brennan)
—to fly them to sunny Orlando, Florida!
Phillip (Aabria) Ooh!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Just put all of that in a Facebook message.
Phillip (Aabria) Done!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
And then like your own post.
Aabria Iyengar [Cackling]
[Message alert ding, wacky harmonica music]
Erika Ishii
They've actually walked away from the—they're not going to take their social media with them, but they've already gone home for the day, at this point.
Aabria Iyengar Oh fun.
Erika Ishii
So they actually don't see the follow up—
Aabria Iyengar
Isn't it shortly after dawn?
Erika Ishii
I mean, you told them they were going to get paid—
Brennan Lee Mulligan
They're only open from 700 to 900 AM!
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii
You told them that they were going to get paid—
Aabria Iyengar Oh yeah.
Erika Ishii
—without having to show up to do anything at this County Fair, they're like, this is a good day, this is fine.
Aabria Iyengar Nice.
Erika Ishii
And so they've gone off to the job. They're not at the home office anymore. They don't get the part about the horse riding hurting your genitalia. They don't get the part about winning the prize. But they do see something something something, we're—you're still getting paid but don't show up.
Aabria Iyengar
Well, maybe we overdid it, but I'm proud of us.
Erika Ishii Yeah.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
That was a great team effort, hey.
Phillip (Aabria) That was still good!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
I mean, it was just like when we got those chicks out.
Erika Ishii That's right!
Phillip (Aabria) Ah, that's right.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
It's just when we all—when we hit that flow state together?
Phillip (Aabria) Ah!
[Traditional cowboy style country music]
Erika Ishii
Alright, so you have your plan. And I think, at this point, we are going to flash forward—
Aabria Iyengar [Gasp] Oh!
Erika Ishii
—in time, to the day of the County Fair, dawns. All of you have already been up for hours before sunrise. You traveled in the dark of the night—
Aabria Iyengar [Mischievious chuckle]
Erika Ishii
—to the County Fairgrounds, and you all moved to your places. Itsa, going over to the hay carts. And Ruthie and Phillip, stacked one on top of the other, over to the Animal Freak Show. It's still the early hours. The hot dogs are not going to be delivered, until about 0900 AM, the animals and produce are in at 930 at the Rec Center. The truck starts serving at a leisurely 1200 PM. It will arrive at 800 AM. So, we're going to run this one location at a time. Do you all follow Itsa to the hay cart?
Aabria Iyengar
Yeah, we can—we have time.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Let's do it.
Aabria Iyengar
We've gotten here in the dark at night.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Let's do it.
[Music swells to a finale]
Phillip (Aabria)
Do you want us to go together?
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
You can come with me. But know that I'm going to disappear.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
And what WAS, will not be what IS.
Phillip (Aabria) Understood.
Aabria Iyengar
When we get in there, like, are there—what's the horse to stall ratio? Is there just an open stall or do we have to make some interesting choices?
Erika Ishii
Let me roll a little—I could have grabbed my dice on the break, I didn't!
Aabria Iyengar
No you're good! Use mine!
Erika Ishii
Alright, I'm going to roll a little luck check for you guys to see if there's an extra stall.
Aabria Iyengar [Gasp]
Erika Ishii [Gasp]
Aabria Iyengar
That's the highest number.
Erika Ishii
That's the highest number, alright. So it looks like there are a couple of extra stalls, actually, it's just a large stable at a fairgrounds. And there are going to be some horses arriving, this isn't a very horse forward fair, though. There's only a couple—
Lou Wilson
That's why we're knocking it down.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii
This is why you're here, baby!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
We would describe our fair as very "horse forward."
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii
There's only a couple roustabouts and carneys setting up the rides. There's no security force anymore, thanks to the social media work of Phillip and the team. So you can just kind of saunter over into the stables. There are three horses in there.
Lou Wilson
Mm. Just, right at the entrance I turn to my two friends and, I'm going to try and hoof off my hood—
Aabria Iyengar [Gasp] Yeah!
Lou Wilson
—my riding hood, and toss it.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
You guys take care of this for me?
Phillip (Aabria) Of course
Ruthie (Brennan) Of course, Itsa.
Phillip (Aabria)
Do you want us to kill the other horses?
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
No, I think there are a few other stalls, you won't have to kill anyone. But I'm glad you were ready.
Phillip (Aabria)
Yeah. We should—can—no. I don't—
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) It's not the dark of night.
Brennan Lee Mulligan [Laugh]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
It's dawn. The sun is up and it is looking at us.
Phillip (Aabria)
Well, we should maybe let them—we could let them go, and then if something bad happens, that's on them.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) That—that I don't hate.
Phillip (Aabria) Okay!
Erika Ishii
So who takes the hood?
Aabria Iyengar I do.
Erika Ishii
[Laughing] Okay! Phillip.
Aabria Iyengar
Just grab it and slowly pull it. [Laugh] I don't have a place to go with this. I'm just pulling it. I do like Itsa a lot, I'm not going to do anything bad to this hood.
Erika Ishii
Yes, alright. So, Itsa, you walk into the stalls, and the vibe in there is rancid. There are the three horses there, two of them asleep, and one of them is just eugh. Looking a little tweaky there, he's got those crazy eyes, ya know, where you can see it—when you go up to a horse and they're kind of scared and there's a lot of whites showing. He's like—
Wilbur [Erika]
[Shakily] Hey, buddy! Heh.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
[Exaggerated cheerfulness] Hello, friend!
Aabria Iyengar [Roar of laughter]
Wilbur [Erika]
Haven't seen you around. I'm uh. Wilbur.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) I'm Thatsa!
Wilbur [Erika] Thatsa. Thatsa.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
We're so excited to pull the hay cart today, are we not?
Wilbur [Erika]
[Haunted] Oh my god. I—yeah—it's just another day of the County Fair. The day all the kids are screamin' they're always screamin' they're always screamin'.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Ha HA! Screams of joy! It makes me feel, good!
Lou Wilson
And I just slowly start to back into one of the stalls.
Wilbur [Erika] Hey!
Lou Wilson
And close it. Close it behind me.
Aabria Iyengar [Laughing]
Erika Ishii
Okay, well, give me—
Lou Wilson
Yeah, that's a lot of business.
Erika Ishii
Yeah, that's—give me—
Lou Wilson
I do that stuff, Erika, come on!
Erika Ishii
Sure, sure, but give me—roll for getting into the stall.
Lou Wilson
Yeah, of course. Yeah—
Erika Ishii
You're pretty good at this. I think you're probably going to only need a, uh—ehh, give me a five on this one.
Lou Wilson Little gate work.
Erika Ishii Yeah.
Lou Wilson That's a big 6!
Aabria Iyengar Oooh!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Ooh!
Lou Wilson
So do I get a new skill—
Erika Ishii Alright, you do!
Lou Wilson
—in gate unlocking?
Erika Ishii
Yeah, actually, you do—
Brennan Lee Mulligan Sleight of hand.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii
You get—you get Doors two!
Lou Wilson Ah! Hell yes.
Aabria Iyengar Doors two!
Lou Wilson Doors two
Erika Ishii Doors two.
Lou Wilson I've—yeah.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
It answers a lot of the questions from the first Doors movie.
[Aabria and Erika laugh]
Lou Wilson
Yeah. And there's a lot of tongue work in this.
Aabria Iyengar Ooh!
Lou Wilson
Like it's not—it's, tongue's coming out, flipping a latch. [Various "eh" noises as he moves his tongue around] as I just back in.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Can't wait for the screams-uh!
Phillip (Aabria)
[Muffled by a hood in his mouth] Ruthie.
Erika Ishii
Wilbur looks you up and down.
Ruthie (Brennan) Hmm?
Phillip (Aabria)
[Muffled] Ruthie, let the other ones out.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I'm going to go up to the super nervous looking horse.
Wilbur [Erika] Aah!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
And I'm going to—is the gate super locked by this horse, or no?
Erika Ishii
Uhh, let's see. A little luck roll here. What do we get? Over three and maybe it's a little loose! That's a 5, it's fully—you can just push it open.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Okay, great. So I'm going to open the little door to the nervous horse, and I'm going to walk up to him, and I'm going to say
Ruthie (Brennan)
Oh hello, my friend, what's your name?
Wilbur [Erika]
[Muttering] Oh my god oh my god. You seein' this shit, man? Are you seein' this shit?
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Wow, a chicken! A talking chicken. Ah ha ha hah!
Ruthie (Brennan)
Wait, did you guys think horses and humans alone, can talk?
Phillip (Aabria)
[Muffled] That's weird of you.
Wilbur [Erika]
I just. Never talked, to a, chicken before. I just go in a loop around this little fairgrounds, alright?
Ruthie (Brennan)
Well, you know what they say. If you start seeing animals talk, they're not supposed to be able to talk—
Wilbur [Erika] [Hyperventilating]
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Sinister]—it means you're losing your mind.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
[Chipper] You're losing your mind, friend!
Wilbur [Erika] What!?
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) You're going crazy!
Ruthie (Brennan)
But don't worry, don't worry.
[Tense discordant strings build as Mussorgsky's "Night on Bald Mountain" starts to play.]
Ruthie (Brennan)
It's only if the humans NOTICE that you're losing your mind that they'll [Sinister] boil you down into glue.
Wilbur [Erika]
Oh my god. Oh my god. Do you think they—do you think they'll notice—
Phillip (Aabria)
[Muffled] You're gonna go to the abattoir!
Wilbur [Erika]
Oh fuck!! What the hell is that!?
Phillip (Aabria) [Muffled] I'm a goat!
Wilbur [Erika]
Why am I thinking about the dark of the moon!?
Ruthie (Brennan)
That's not a goat, that's the fuckin' devil.
Phillip (Aabria) [Muffled] I'm the devil!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) He's gonna eat your soul!
Ruthie (Brennan)
That's the devil! Aah! They're coming!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
They're coming! They're gonna eat your soul!
[Frenzied screaming from everyone]
Erika Ishii
Alright, I—this horse starts starts bucking, waking up the two other horses.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Erika Ishii
Give me give me a roll. Give me a Sweet Talk roll.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Come on, baby.
Lou Wilson
The sweetest talk.
Aabria Iyengar
Can I assist with my magic?
Erika Ishii
Yes, you can, oh my god!
Lou Wilson "With my magic."
Brennan Lee Mulligan Okay, it's a 6.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Erika Ishii
Okay, so you get—now you—
Brennan Lee Mulligan Or, I got a 9 overall.
Erika Ishii
9 overall. Okay.
Aabria Iyengar Plus 1 to help?
Brennan Lee Mulligan Plus 1 to help is 10
Erika Ishii
So that's a total of 10. And you also, in addition, learn the skill. Now you have three Cause Fear.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Cause Fear, great.
Aabria Iyengar Ooooh.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Cause Fear three, perfect. Perfect. Perfect perfect.
Erika Ishii Three.
Phillip (Aabria)
[Darkly] I've made them like me, now.
Wilbur [Erika]
Ah, aah, the stall—the stall is closing in! Oh god!!
Erika Ishii
And Wilbur fully loses it.
[The tense strings of "Night on Bald Mountain" return as the door is slammed open.]
Erika Ishii
Bucks open the stall. Door flies open. The two other horses wicker [Confused waking up noises]
Wilbur [Erika]
[Hyperventilating] We're gonna be glue! We're going to be glue!!
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Yelling evilly] That's right you dumb fucking horses! They put pacemakers in your brains! If you ever stop running, you'll die! If you ever stop running, you'll die!! SQUAWK!!!
Erika Ishii
They burst from the stables.
[Gates slam open, horse whinnies]
Erika Ishii
They start galloping.
[Pounding hooves]
Erika Ishii
The few roustabouts and carnies that are around, who are normally extremely chill people, a couple of them have to take off after them, but they are in the wind at this point. They're just gone.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
And only one horse remains.
Phillip (Aabria)
Look, we helped! Now—now your brothers don't have to pull—they're not beasts of burden anymore.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Gonna be a long line for the hay ride this year.
Erika Ishii [Laugh]
Phillip (Aabria)
Hey, Ruthie, I feel a way about you right now, and—I just have to say it. You're doing a lot of good work.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Well! Flirting will get you pretty far in this life, Phillip!
Phillip (Aabria) Oh my gosh!
Aabria Iyengar
I think Phillip just blushes a little bit.
Erika Ishii
Alright so, you leave Itsa, under the pseudonym Thatsa, in his stall, and you to make it over—go over to where the map has told you that there will be: a Freak Show!
Phillip (Aabria)
We're going to have to find a costume.
Ruthie (Brennan) That we are.
Erika Ishii
You approach the red and white striped tent—tent is a very generous term. It holds as many as maybe five people at a time.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Mm.
Erika Ishii
And you can hear the sounds of snoozing animals here.
[Various sleepy animal noises]
Ruthie (Brennan)
Alright, let's take a look for a costume if we can.
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I'd like to search for a ringleader or barker costume—
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Brennan Lee Mulligan —if we can find one.
Erika Ishii
Yeah okay! Go—roll—give me—roll one to find clothes.
Brennan Lee Mulligan 6!
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Erika Ishii
Oh, bam! You are so good at—
Lou Wilson
Unreal at finding clothes.
Aabria Iyengar Best at clothes!
Lou Wilson
This chicken finds clothes like crazy.
Aabria Iyengar Hella clothes!
Erika Ishii
Find Clothes two, for Brennan. And you find a full ringleader outfit. It is red, with shiny brass buttons, and a top hat, and white breeches. I don't know if you're going to want to use the breeches or not? You're going to have to try it on and find out if it—if it fits.
Phillip (Aabria)
Ruthie's the Ringleader.
Erika Ishii
The full costume, it's in a back section of the tent, and it's adjoining the actual Freak Show. Go ahead, would you like to try and disguise yourself?
Phillip (Aabria)
Do you still want to do it together, or—you're very scary now.
Ruthie (Brennan) Me?
Phillip (Aabria)
I thought I was going to have to help you, but I don't think you need help.
Ruthie (Brennan)
No—well, Phillip, I'm not scary, I'm your friend!
Erika Ishii [Cackle]
Phillip (Aabria)
[Strained] Okay, whatever you want Ruthie
Ruthie (Brennan)
Come here now, come come come. You're a satanic goat! If anyone should be scared of anybody, it should be me!
Ruthie (Brennan)
Okay, I don't know what's happening right n—I need to talk to my boy, Thatsa.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Is this energy frightening or sexual? Who can say?
Phillip (Aabria) It's both.
Lou Wilson
Ruthie on a heist is a whole new—
Aabria Iyengar Ruthie is the best!
Lou Wilson
Ruthie on the Farm? Friendly.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Lou Wilson
Reminiscing about times with her pig lover.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Lou Wilson
Ruthie on a heist. Watch out now!
Ruthie (Brennan)
I'm at work, motherfucker!
[Everyone laughs]
Ruthie (Brennan)
Office me and home me are different. Boundaries! Boundaries!
Aabria Iyengar
Phillip's going through every barnyard animal that he's heard Ruthie is maybe hooked up with, and is making a kill list.
Brennan Lee Mulligan [Laugh]
Aabria Iyengar
I will risk it all for Ruthie, let's go.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
So how do we disguise ourselves, though?
Erika Ishii
We are pausing, because we have a whiteboard here that I am—
Aabria Iyengar
We have a whole ass board!
Erika Ishii —writing—
Lou Wilson
Giant whiteboard.
Erika Ishii
—story beats on, and you will find out what that means later. Oh, I explained the rules to them, you probably can figure out what's going on here.
Aabria Iyengar
[To the tune of the Theme from Mission Impossible, originally composed by Lalo Schifrin] Buh, buh, buh buh, buh, buh, buh buh.
Lou Wilson
[Continuing the tune] Dun dun dun. Dun dun dun. Dun dun dun. Duh dun.
Aabria Iyengar
Can you make a little heart between Ruthie and Phillip? Thank you so much.
Erika Ishii
Damn, alright, so roll—roll to put on the outfit.
Aabria Iyengar
Okay. Do we both roll for outfit?
Erika Ishii
So what I'm going to do here is, I'm going to have each of you roll—if you have a relevant skill, you can try and use it—but it's going to be a combined score, and I'm going to need a twelve combined from you.
Aabria Iyengar Delightful.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Okay.
Erika Ishii
Yes. It's a total of twelve.
Aabria Iyengar
I have, no relevant skills for this.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Well, you have Do Anything.
Erika Ishii
You have Do Anything—
Aabria Iyengar Oh, that's right!
Erika Ishii
—and that's one!
Lou Wilson
You have Do Anything.
Aabria Iyengar That's one.
Erika Ishii That's one.
Aabria Iyengar
But anything is just one.
Brennan Lee Mulligan And I think—
Aabria Iyengar
[Under her breath] Eight?
Brennan Lee Mulligan
—I'm going to think about this for a little bit and say
Ruthie (Brennan)
Now, you're a goat, I'm a chicken.
Phillip (Aabria) Mhm.
Ruthie (Brennan)
We have a perfect ringleader costume.
Phillip (Aabria) Mhm.
Ruthie (Brennan)
But if we try to seem like a normal ringleader, people may catch wise, given that we have six legs, two wings, and no hands.
Aabria Iyengar [Sigh]
Ruthie (Brennan) I think—
Aabria Iyengar Good point.
Ruthie (Brennan)
It's like Alonso used to scream in his sleep:
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Ruthie (Brennan)
"The better part of an illusion is the misdirection." We don't try to look like a NORMAL ringleader.
Phillip (Aabria) Oooh.
Ruthie (Brennan)
People won't notice that we have six legs, two wings, and no hands, if they're too terrified to look.
Phillip (Aabria)
[Gasp] Ruthie, you've done it again!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I would like to use this ringleader outfit, to assemble a different—to make us look like a non-human, monstrous—like have Phillip's goat head come out of the middle—
Erika Ishii [Cackle]
Brennan Lee Mulligan —and truly embrace the—
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Erika Ishii Oh my god.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Take the clothes, and just become a chimera, essentially.
Aabria Iyengar That's fun!
Erika Ishii Yeah.
Aabria Iyengar
I use Eat, to help with this!
Erika Ishii
You know what—
Aabria Iyengar
Just eat my way through the center.
Erika Ishii
You eat your way through the—oh my god.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Erika Ishii
Okay! Give me—
Aabria Iyengar The Tailor.
Erika Ishii
—a roll to Eat 2. And what is this, is this—
Brennan Lee Mulligan Cause Fear?
Erika Ishii Cause—oh my god.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Erika Ishii
Okay, that's three—Ah, you guys—
Aabria Iyengar I rolled bad!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Oop! Uh, I—
Aabria Iyengar I got 5.
Brennan Lee Mulligan —got two 6s!
[Aabria and Erika gasp]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Which means I am going to spend—so its a 14 from me overall.
Aabria Iyengar Let's go!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
But also, I would like to spend one of my XP for advancement? Have another skill on top of that, so I can advance to a four dice skill?
Erika Ishii Yes?
Aabria Iyengar
I love that. I love that.
Lou Wilson
Wait, is that how it works?
Erika Ishii
Well, no, if you get—oh yeah. Okay. Yes, yes yes. You have to get ALL 6s.
Brennan Lee Mulligan So we get the success—
Erika Ishii Yeah.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
—BUT, I'm turning my one die that wasn't a 6 into a 6 for skill advancement purposes from Cause Fear.
Erika Ishii Wow!
Aabria Iyengar I love that.
Lou Wilson
But do the other 6s advance the skill or just the one?
Erika Ishii
You have to do—
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Yeah, well, I only needed one, so I got two 6s, and then—
Aabria Iyengar
I thought it was all—
Erika Ishii
Actually, you have to get all 6s.
Aabria Iyengar
You have to get all 6s.
Erika Ishii
You have to get all 6s.
Lou Wilson
So that's what the xp—
Brennan Lee Mulligan
So I'm spending an xp, to turn the 2 into a 6—
Erika Ishii Yeah!
Brennan Lee Mulligan —and now I HAVE—
Aabria Iyengar Love it.
Brennan Lee Mulligan —three 6s.
Erika Ishii Yes.
Lou Wilson I'm caught up.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I think that's how that works?
Aabria Iyengar No 100%.
Erika Ishii
That is 100% how that works. So you—let's say—
Aabria Iyengar Hell yeah.
Erika Ishii
—Create Monster four.
Aabria Iyengar [Gasp]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
[Grimly] You have simply no idea what you've just done.
Erika Ishii Oh, I do!
Aabria Iyengar
I'm not the scary one anymore! I'm a normal cool goat!
Lou Wilson
Just a—just a normal ass goat now.
Aabria Iyengar I'm a normal—
Lou Wilson
With magic powers.
Erika Ishii
Who can read, and has electronic skills, and—you've got Reverse Read!
Aabria Iyengar
Yeah, I'm a troll on the internet, but Ruthie's a monster!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I love that I had a Do Anything one, that went into Sweet Talk two, Cause Fear three, and now Create Monster four.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii Incredible.
Aabria Iyengar Yes. Yes, good.
[Horror movie strings]
Erika Ishii
Alright. So the two of you set to work, tailoring this ringleader costume. And what you craft, is a thing of nightmares. It has, how many limbs? Who can say, because they're so busy looking into the sideways pupils of Phillip—
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
Erika Ishii
—peeking through the stomach, because to all purposes, it looks like a many-armed and -legged, humanoid, goat-torsoed, ringleader. Who's wearing the hat?
Aabria Iyengar Ruthie.
Erika Ishii
Okay. Ruthie's wearing—[Laugh]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
So, I—the hat is way too large for me, so I've stuffed it with hay to rest, balancing on my—
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
—tiny chicken head, in this enormous starched collar of the shirt.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
And then I think Phillip's head's coming out of—
Aabria Iyengar
Yeah, I'm in the tummy!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
In the tum—[laugh]—the tummy.
Phillip (Aabria) Hey, Ruthie?
Ruthie (Brennan) Mhm?
Phillip (Aabria)
I just want to ask, no pressure or anything, if we survive this heist, wouldst thou like to live deliciously? Like, for a little bit, if you're just free?
Ruthie (Brennan)
You know Phillip? I've heard you asking some of the other hens, if they would like some butter.
Phillip (Aabria) Or a pretty dress.
Ruthie (Brennan) Or what?
Phillip (Aabria) Or a pretty dress.
Ruthie (Brennan) Or a pretty dress.
Phillip (Aabria) Mhm.
Ruthie (Brennan)
How'd you like some eggs, big boy?
Aabria Iyengar [Shriek]
Lou Wilson
Jesus Christ. Meanwhile, That—Itsa is just—
[Aabria and Erika laugh]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) I like this. I like this.
Lou Wilson
Quietly, by himself in an abandoned stall, as you guys get ready to fuck or whatever!
[Everyone laughs]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Whenever the first people—let me know, Erika, when people start approaching.
Erika Ishii Yeah.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Lou Wilson
You guys quiet—just tense, just—
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii
So as you—as you stare at each other, you hear two
[A double rooster call]
Rooster Head 1 (Erika)
Eh? You idiot! It's—That was like, I don't know, 20 minutes ago?
Rooster Head 2 (Erika) How do you know time?
Rooster Head 1 (Erika) It's—alright—[Grunts of effort]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I'm going to look down at you and say
Ruthie (Brennan)
Hold on a moment. Let's go over and there investigate.
Phillip (Aabria)
Yeah, okay. We know our kind of formation. We could just jump out.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Yeah. And I want to rush over and open the curtain to see who's talking.
Erika Ishii
And you see a whole menagerie sort of crammed in there.
Aabria Iyengar Ooh!
Erika Ishii
There is raccoon with a little cup, and it's going [clanging noises] around on the bars of its cage. There is a bearded dragon, with extra extra spikes and frills hanging down as if it were an actual beard. There's a couple of other kinds of livestock, but, Ruthie, what you zero in on is a two-headed rooster, one of whose heads is your beloved Alonso.
Brennan Lee Mulligan [Gasp]
Aabria Iyengar
I'm so sorry, what?
Brennan Lee Mulligan I'm going to—
Aabria Iyengar What!?
Ruthie (Brennan) Alonso.
Alonso (Erika) [Startled noise]
Phillip (Aabria) [Gasp]
Erika Ishii
He stops arguing with the head on his other side.
Alonso (Erika) [Gasp] Ruthie!
Ruthie (Brennan) I see you—
Alonso (Erika) My love!
Ruthie (Brennan)
—as you always have, seem to have gotten AHEAD!
Phillip (Aabria) Ooooh!
Alonso (Erika)
Well, ya know. It's a—the whole "You've been too faced all along" jibe was right there, and you didn't go for it, but uh—
Phillip (Aabria)
We're not talking notes.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Yeah, I did a different one, I said you've gotten aHEAD.
Alonso (Erika) Mine was good.
Rooster Head 2 (Erika) Yes, his was better!
Phillip (Aabria)
Are you fucking roostersplainin' to Ruthie right now?
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Furiously] I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I'm gonna start just fuckin'—
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah!!
Alonso (Erika) Aah! Ah!
Erika Ishii
He runs around and—he's in a little pen. It doesn't actually have bars, it's just a bunch of chicken wire, in a little circle, and he starts running around in a circle and the other head is going
Rooster Head 2 (Erika) Aah! What—what's going—
Ruthie (Brennan)
You motherfucker I thought you were dead!
Rooster Head 2 (Erika) —what's going on!
Ruthie (Brennan)
You motherfucker, screamin' in your sleep! Fucking run out on me! I have 180 grandchildren!
Aabria Iyengar [Laughing]
Alonso (Erika)
There were just too many!
Ruthie (Brennan)
You dumb piece of shit!
Alonso (Erika)
I wasn't ready! I wasn't ready!
Aabria Iyengar
Phillip is just doing happy taps.
Phillip (Aabria)
Tag me in whatever you want, Ruthie, but this is your fight.
Rooster Head 2 (Erika) Uhh.
Erika Ishii
The other head on his shoulder pipes up.
Rooster Head 2 (Erika)
Uhh. Hi, uh. Is this, uh, your—
Ruthie (Brennan) [Annoyed] What.
Rooster Head 2 (Erika) —your wi—your wife—
Ruthie (Brennan)
What, guy? What's your name?
Rooster Head 2 (Erika) I'm sorr—Hey. I'm—I'm—
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Fed up] What is your—
Rooster Head 2 (Erika)
I'm very scared of you, I'm very scared of you.
Brennan Lee Mulligan That's your name?
I'm Very Scared Of You (Erika) I'm very scared of you.
Brennan Lee Mulligan That's your name?
I'm Very Scared Of You (Erika) It's Christopher, it's Christoph—
Ruthie (Brennan)
Alright, for the re—no no no! No no no. Your name is "I'm Very Scared Of You."
Phillip (Aabria) Oooh.
I'm Very Scared Of You (Erika) [Crying]
Ruthie (Brennan)
That's what you said, and that's your new name, and now, when you introduce yourself to people, that's what you say!
Phillip (Aabria) Ooooooh.
I'm Very Scared Of You (Erika) [Crying] Is this your wife?!
Ruthie (Brennan)
I'm going to beat the shit out of my husband, is that okay with you, I'm Very Afraid Of You?
Alonso (Erika)
Hey, babe, it's like I always say—
Ruthie (Brennan) God damn you!
[Everyone laughs]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I'd like to roll Do Anything to just take the kick out of my suddenly no longer dead—
Erika Ishii
You can! You can! Wait, I will—you know what, I'm going to roll opposed to you. Yeah, I'm gonna roll opposed to you. I got a 4!
Brennan Lee Mulligan I got a 5.
Erika Ishii Oh no!
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
[Swinging jazz music kicks up]
Erika Ishii
So get in there, and—he's not used to having a second head, to pilot this body. He just doesn't know what's what. You get a couple of good pecks in.
Aabria Iyengar
Wait, can I make it worse?
Erika Ishii Yes.
Aabria Iyengar Could I have helped?
Erika Ishii
God. Oh, god. Yeah, you can have helped.
Aabria Iyengar
With my help that makes it a 6, right?
Brennan Lee Mulligan Oh it does make it a 6!
Erika Ishii
God it does make it a 6.
Aabria Iyengar
I'm going to help with Eat.
Erika Ishii [Shocked laughter]
Lou Wilson Yikes.
Erika Ishii
So that makes it a 7! Because you have two Eat!
Aabria Iyengar
I do have two in Eat. But your die goes up, and—
[Crunch followed by a chicken bok]
Aabria Iyengar
—Alonso only has one head now.
Lou Wilson
What the fuck. Holy shit.
Ruthie (Brennan)
They say a chicken can live without its head for a long time.
Phillip (Aabria)
[Mouth full] He's screaming—he's screaming on the inside of my mouth.
Lou Wilson Jesus Christ.
Alonso (Erika) [Muffled screaming]
Ruthie (Brennan)
Alright, Phillip, please reattach my husband's head and I think we've taught him a lesson.
I'm Very Scared Of You (Erika) Oh my god!
Blehh.
I'm Very Scared Of You (Erika) Oh my god! Alonso!
Aabria Iyengar [Laughing]
Erika Ishii
The head is on the ground.
Alonso (Erika)
Well now, what now, Ruthie? Hmm?
Ruthie (Brennan)
Well, you're such genius, you came back from life once. You can just do it again. Reattach your head, Alonso. Reattach your head, Alonso.
Alonso (Erika)
It doesn't work like that, Ruthie, I was a sideshow attraction!!
Ruthie (Brennan)
What does it work like? Explain it to me like you do in your sleep.
Alonso (Erika) Ugh.
Aabria Iyengar
Is the body just running?
Erika Ishii
The body is running around, and there's this other guy, kind of half-piloting it. It's like piloting a Jaeger—
Aabria Iyengar Ohh.
Erika Ishii
—with only one pilot? And so he's kind of just spinning around in a circle, freaking out. Alonso is on the ground trying to come up with
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Laugh] I have something for this. But as you know, I do my best work when I'm asleep, so.
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Sardonic chuckle] I know. I was there for the birth of our children.
Phillip (Aabria) Ooooh.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I don't even know what I'm implying.
[Everyone laughs]
Lou Wilson Yeah I'm so—
Brennan Lee Mulligan Uh, yeah!
Lou Wilson
Right over my head
Brennan Lee Mulligan Right over—
Aabria Iyengar
It was more of a vibe thing
Lou Wilson
Me the human! The Human Lou.
Brennan Lee Mulligan No idea. Truly no idea.
Aabria Iyengar All vibes!
Alonso (Erika)
Alright, alright. What do you want, Ruthie? What do you want? What are you here for? Alright, I skipped out on you!
Ruthie (Brennan)
I want to know what you're here—I know what I'm here for. I didn't fake my death. I want to know what YOU'RE here for, Alonso. And if you answer nicely, I just might reattach your head to your body.
Phillip (Aabria) I can do magic.
Ruthie (Brennan) Phillip can do magic.
Erika Ishii
God damn it, you can do magic.
Aabria Iyengar [Sinister chuckle]
Alonso (Erika)
Alright, well... Here for the heirloom crops, those prize winning crops?
Phillip (Aabria) Those are ours.
Alonso (Erika)
No no no. The—you're going after the ones in the rec center?!
Ruthie (Brennan)
What are you going after?
Phillip (Aabria) Why do you want—
Alonso (Erika) The squashes.
Phillip (Aabria)
You want a big pumpkin?
Alonso (Erika)
It's those big ass pumpkins.
Phillip (Aabria)
You want a big pumpkin?
Alonso (Erika) Yeah!
Phillip (Aabria)
Why?
Alonso (Erika)
You know how much those seeds are worth? You know how much a crop—the the next generation of those crops could go for?!
Phillip (Aabria)
That's—Ruthie, I think maybe we let him we let him go, and now we get a double score. We can go get this pumpkin. And then we've got corn.
Alonso (Erika) Come on.
Phillip (Aabria) And a pumpkin.
Alonso (Erika)
What do you say? For old times—
Phillip (Aabria)
What? No, why are you part of this?
Alonso (Erika)
Oh, okay. Alright. I'll let you do the talking.
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah. What?
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I'm going to look over at Phillip and say
Ruthie (Brennan)
Farmer Williams... Might want to know that there are people snooping around after his very, very big pumpkin.
Phillip (Aabria) Oooh. A scape—
Alonso (Erika)
Oh, you wouldn't SNITCH, would ya ruthie?
Ruthie (Brennan) A scape what?
Ruthie (Brennan) A scaperooster.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Yes, yes exactly Phillip.
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Alright, could you do some magic to—
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah okay!
Phillip (Aabria)
—reattach my husband's head?
Aabria Iyengar
And I'm going to gently, like, with my little goat teefees, pick him up by the back of his head—
Alonso (Erika)
[Muffled sounds of protestation]
Aabria Iyengar
—and wait for, like, a lap of the other chicken, and then just—boop! Try to magic it back on.
Erika Ishii Give me a roll.
Aabria Iyengar Yay thanks!
Lou Wilson
It's Do Anything!
Erika Ishii
This is—alright.
Aabria Iyengar
I have Magic one! I rolled it so far away.
Erika Ishii That's a 5.
Aabria Iyengar It's a 5.
Erika Ishii
That's not going to do it.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Um.
Aabria Iyengar
I'll spend and xp and make—oh wait, are you helping?
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I am going to help, I'm going to add four from Create Monster.
Aabria Iyengar
[Gasp] It was a 6 and now I got two in Magic!
Lou Wilson
It is a mon—it is a freak!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
A two-headed mon—a two-headed chicken sounds like a monster to me!
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Lou Wilson
Don't try and act like that's an act of God, in his beautiful dawn light, that's after hours, baby.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Lou Wilson
That's things of the night.
Aabria Iyengar
This is nighttime shit.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
The Lord's hand did not touch this creature, no no no!
Lou Wilson
No no no, that was all Phillip, baby!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
You think THIS creature walked on the ark? I don't think so! This is Devil work!
Lou Wilson
Noah said "Get this shit outta here!"
Aabria Iyengar
Fun fact, everything that's ever been on heraldry is MY shit.
Erika Ishii [Cackle]
Aabria Iyengar
All of it. Unicorn? Devil shit.
Erika Ishii
[Spitting "puh" noice] You spit out this head.
[Wet slopping noise, magical ringing]
I'm Very Scared Of You (Erika)
Alonso. Where'd you go there man, it got real dark for a minute there.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii Alonsos like
Alonso (Erika)
Agh. Mm. So. This is your score now, hmm?
Ruthie (Brennan)
Well, you're such a master thief, Alonso, it seems like it's your job to figure it out. I've never known you to balk with a little bit of heat on a score.
Alonso (Erika)
Alright, so it's a Heist Off, then hmm? Well, you'll see, I've got two brains thinking for me now.
I'm Very Scared Of You (Erika) I don't—I'm just—
Ruthie (Brennan) Really?
I'm Very Scared Of You (Erika) —kind of—
Ruthie (Brennan)
You got two brains think—
I'm Very Scared Of You (Erika)
I'm just the guy that they sewed on, when they made this little Freak Show here!
Phillip (Aabria)
Oh I thought that was your original body.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Alonso, you've got two brains on this? Wow, does Chris have two?
I'm Very Scared Of You (Erika)
[Nervously] You told me that you were going to refer to me as I'm Scared Of You from now—
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Snapping] That's how YOU refer to you!
I'm Very Scared Of You (Erika) Yes Ma'am! Yes Ma'am!
Ruthie (Brennan)
I refer to you any way I like!
I'm Very Scared Of You (Erika) Yes Ma'am!
Ruthie (Brennan)
That's how you refer to you! Even in your mind! Even in your thoughts!
Aabria Iyengar [Cackling]
Ruthie (Brennan)
I want you to forget your name!
Phillip (Aabria) Oooh.
I'm Very Scared Of You (Erika)
It's gone, it's gone. It's gone, Ma'am.
Phillip (Aabria) Ah!
Lou Wilson
It's gone Ma'am.
Phillip (Aabria)
Alonso, let me be very clear. I absolutely get what you see in her.
Alonso (Erika) Mm.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Yes! Me and Phillip have been spending a lot of time together, Alonso.
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
Aabria Iyengar
I have a new little—a tiny set of second horns that are growing in.
Alonso (Erika)
[Barely contained jealousy] That's fine. I'm not jealous or anything. It's fine.
Phillip (Aabria) You should be.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Phillip's going to teach me how to live deliciously.
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
[Everyone laughs]
Alonso (Erika)
Well, then I best—I wish you a tasty journey, Ruthie.
Ruthie (Brennan) Mm. Yes.
Alonso (Erika) Thanks for nothin'!
Ruthie (Brennan) Oh yes, yes yes yes.
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Yeah. Well, good luck with your. Squash.
Phillip (Aabria) [Laugh]
Aabria Iyengar
I poop in their pen before we leave.
[Fart noise. "The Entertainer" starts playing]
Ruthie (Brennan)
Great. This part of the heist went perfectly! This is what we were trying to do here, right?
[Aabria and Brennan laugh]
Lou Wilson
Just sitting in a stall, being like
Aabria Iyengar [Cackling]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
[Muttering] I hope they got dressed. Aw.
Erika Ishii
Raccoon turns to the—is just like
Phillip (Aabria) 'Sup.
The Raccoon (Erika) Man, that was some shit!
Phillip (Aabria) I know, right?
The Raccoon (Erika)
What was that? Oh my god.
Phillip (Aabria) What's your deal?
The Raccoon (Erika) Oh! I'm a raccoon?
Phillip (Aabria)
Okay. You wanna go help my friend?
The Raccoon (Erika) Uh, yeah.
Phillip (Aabria) Promise?
The Raccoon (Erika) What's your friend?
Phillip (Aabria)
Um. The only horse, in the middle.
The Raccoon (Erika)
Ohhhh. I know a li'l somethin' about horses.
Phillip (Aabria) Cool.
Aabria Iyengar
I want to go over and unlock his door.
The Raccoon (Erika)
Oh, thanks. Wow that's—
Phillip (Aabria) What's your name?
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika) Oh! I'm Fergie!
Erika Ishii
And he takes his little, tiny, little paw and shakes your hoof. Vigorously.
Aabria Iyengar
I wanna take one of my horn and just kind of poke him, and pull a little blood out.
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika) Aah! What the fuck!
Phillip (Aabria)
It's a blood pact now. You have to go help my friend.
Ruthie (Brennan)
What's your name, little raccoon?
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika) Uh, Fergie!
Ruthie (Brennan) You're in a blood pact.
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika) Oh, yeah!
Ruthie (Brennan) What's your name?
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika)
It's Fergie. And I know—I know blood pacts!
Ruthie (Brennan) Your name is Fergie?
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika) Yeah Fergie!
Phillip (Aabria) Fergie Ferg!
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika)
Fergie!
Ruthie (Brennan) Fergie Ferg! Well!
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah!
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika) You know, Alonso and—
Ruthie (Brennan)
Well, Phillip can teach me how to live deliciously, and Fergie can teach me—
[Aabria and Brennan die laughing]
Aabria Iyengar How to be Ferga—
Brennan Lee Mulligan —how to be Fergalicious!
Aabria Iyengar
[Laughing] Dost thou want to live Fergaliciously!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Dost thou want to live Fergaliciously! And I think the answer for all of us is yes.
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika)
Hey, look. I'm in a blood pact with your friend here, and I said I'd help, and he sprung me. And, just so you know, I mean, Alonso and Chris—er, uh, I'm Scared Of You?
Ruthie (Brennan)
You didn't make a promise to me, you can call him Chris.
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika)
Okay, Chris. Alonso and Chris been working this job for, like, a month now, really? To get into this? So like...
Ruthie (Brennan)
Well, the three of us learned how to read today.
Phillip (Aabria)
Yeah!
Ruthie (Brennan)
So we work a little bit faster than old slow Alonso.
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika) Ohh.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Now, I can't help but notice something....
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika) Yeah?
Ruthie (Brennan) Fergie.
[Aabria and Lou laugh]
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika) Yeah, talk to me, talk to me.
Erika Ishii
Fergie hunkers down—
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Erika Ishii
—and sits like a human.
Aabria Iyengar Aww!
Ruthie (Brennan)
Now, I can't help but notice—
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika) Yeah?
Ruthie (Brennan)
—that at the end of your little forelegs there, you've got a set of what look like hands.
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika) Heh heh heh, yeah.
Erika Ishii
Fergie looks at his little hand—little paws and gives em a little flex.
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika)
Yeah, these bad boys is what got me in here in the first place.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika) Doin' time for the crime.
Phillip (Aabria)
Hey. We've all served our nickel.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Now. I can't help but feel like with hands like that... You might be able to unhook the central linchpin of a Ferris Wheel.
[Everyone laughs]
Phillip (Aabria)
[Awed whisper] I love you, Ruthie.
[Heist music]
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika) So let me get this straight.
Phillip (Aabria) Mm.
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika)
You want me, to climb up on the Ferris Wheel, and unhook the Central linchpin, causing mayhem and destruction?
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
Ruthie (Brennan) That's exactly right.
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika)
Ma'am, you got yourself a pair of hands.
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Wheezing laugh] It's all comin' together.
Phillip (Aabria)
Perfect. And when you're done, go find our friend.
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika) Oh!
Phillip (Aabria)
If he needs anything.
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika) Okay. Alright.
Phillip (Aabria)
Or plausible deniability, you can hide in the hay bale and no one will know.
Ruthie (Brennan)
More like PAW-sible deniability!
Phillip (Aabria) Aaahh!
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika) Eyyy!
I high five Ruthie!
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika) I enjoy these! That's good!
Erika Ishii
Fergie puts their little paw up for a thing—oh my god! For a little high five.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Erika Ishii
Phillip taps the hoof.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Erika Ishii Boop!
Aabria Iyengar I do taps!
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika)
Alright. Well. I think it's fair, though, if you—if I do this for you, though, that I would like a little something in return.
Phillip (Aabria)
Do you want the whole outside of a pumpkin?
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika) Holy shit, are you serious?
Phillip (Aabria)
We only need the seeds, Ruthie.
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika)
You can do that!? You can get me a whole ass pumpkin? Outside.
Phillip (Aabria)
Just the outsides, yeah. No, you don't want the seeds.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Outside of a pumpkin. That's the biggest part.
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika)
Yuh. That's good eatin'. Alright. Yeah.
Ruthie (Brennan) Fergie?
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika) Yeah.
Ruthie (Brennan)
You're going to have so much pumpkin, my friend—
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika) Oh my god.
Ruthie (Brennan)
—That you're not gonna know what to do with it.
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika)
They're gonna call me the Pumpkin King!
Phillip (Aabria) Oooh!
Ruthie (Brennan) That's right.
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika) Fergie, the Pumpkin King.
Ruthie (Brennan)
You will make the boys go loco.
[Aabria and Erika laugh]
Fergie the Raccoon (Erika) Alright. Yeah yeah yeah.
Erika Ishii
And Fergie scampers off.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Okay, we should have given a timeline. We got to get to work fast.
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah, yeah. Okay!
Ruthie (Brennan)
I think he's on it, alright. Oh, shit shit shit.
Erika Ishii
You turn around, and—
Ruthie (Brennan)
Give Itsa the signal! We gotta go right now!
Erika Ishii
You turn around, and—
Lou Wilson [Raucous laugh]
Erika Ishii
—it is worth noting that, as you leave the little tent, that Alonso's pen is empty.
Phillip (Aabria) Ah shit.
Erika Ishii Yeah.
Ruthie (Brennan) We better work fast.
Phillip (Aabria)
Quick question, why didn't we just kill him?
Ruthie (Brennan) Alonso?
Phillip (Aabria)
Yeah. Oh, do you still love him?
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I look wistfully off into the distance.
[Organ begins to play "Londonderry Air"]
Erika Ishii
You flash back, to those mornings in the coop. Back when it was a little coop.
Aabria Iyengar Under a blanket.
Erika Ishii
Yeah, under a blanket, together.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii
And both of you giggling furiously. You can see Alonso, his—backlit. The halo on his cockscomb. And he says
Alonso (Erika)
Hey, Ruthie? Promise me that it'll always be like this.
Aabria Iyengar [Cackle]
Ruthie (Brennan)
Alonso. It will always be like this. Now, let's expose our vents to each other.
Aabria Iyengar [Coughing laughter]
Erika Ishii
[Laugh] SHOOM! Back! You're in the present moment. We cut to Itsa, now disguised as Thatsa.
Lou Wilson
Just sitting quietly.
Erika Ishii Quietly.
Aabria Iyengar [Cackle]
Lou Wilson
Trying to blank out any want, or desire.
[Aabria and Erika laugh]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
[Meditative] Pull the cart. Enjoy pulling the cart. That's all. I live for the cart. Die for the cart.
Erika Ishii
You hear the stall door, swing open.
[Door hinges creak, heavy bootsteps approaching.]
Erika Ishii
Your eyes are still shut, thinking, being only in the moment, just the way that you used to, when you were in the races.
Lou Wilson Mm.
Erika Ishii You hear
The Jockey (Erika)
[A familiar fancy man voice] I say, the horse this year looks a little... Scraggly.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) [Startled snort]
There's like a—
Erika Ishii
You open your eyes. You look. There's nothing in front of you. But then you look down. You see, a small man. He is four foot eleven, and he's dressed impeccably. This is Ermine Rutherford the Third, your former owner and self-styled jockey.
Aabria Iyengar Ah!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
[To himself] On the inside, you are Thatsa. You are Thatsa Loserhoney. I am not—
Lou Wilson I like—
Erika Ishii
He pokes at your mouth, to expose your teeth.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Ugh!
Lou Wilson
I want to bite him so badly.
Ermine Rutherford III (Erika) Ehh.
Lou Wilson
But I'm not Itsa.
Erika Ishii
Roll to Retain Composure.
Lou Wilson
Alright, Retaining Composure. Okay, here it is. That's a 2.
Erika Ishii Oh.
Lou Wilson
I'm going to burn my xp. I'm going to burn the xp—
Erika Ishii
You can't burn an XP for a success. You can only burn it for a new skill.
Lou Wilson Okay, got it. So.
Erika Ishii
You could still do that.
Lou Wilson
So I have failed.
Erika Ishii Yes.
Lou Wilson
But I could spend an xp to gain—
Erika Ishii A new skill.
Lou Wilson —Composure one.
Erika Ishii Yeah.
Lou Wilson Ok I—
Erika Ishii
Or, Composure two.
Lou Wilson
Composure two. I will do that to maintain Composure two. I mean, if I fail, I'm going to bite this little man's hand.
Aabria Iyengar [Cackle]
Erika Ishii
You bite his hand.
[Chomp]
Ermine Rutherford III (Erika) Augh!
Erika Ishii
He pulls back and recoils.
Ermine Rutherford III (Erika) Agh! Ugh! You!
Erika Ishii
And he takes out the riding crop at his hip, and he goes
[Crack of a whip]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Ah!
Lou Wilson
Now—can I roll again?
Erika Ishii
Yes!
Lou Wilson
Two Composure
Erika Ishii
Yes, roll Composure two.
Lou Wilson Okay.
Aabria Iyengar Let's go!
Ermine Rutherford III (Erika)
Euagh! My fingers. I'm going to have to go to the manicurist!
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Lou Wilson
That's a 6 and a 1 for a 7.
Erika Ishii Mhm.
Lou Wilson
And does the 6—but, no, two 6s to get—so yes, a 7.
Erika Ishii
Okay, that one—you stand still. You take it.
Ermine Rutherford III (Erika)
Owww! I'm going to have to have Trin do a whole job on this, what a bad horse! Well, that's alright. At least I won't have to be the one that has to handle him today! Eugh!
Erika Ishii
And he wanders off.
Ermine Rutherford III (Erika)
You, girl! Go get the horse ready, and attach him to the cart!
Erika Ishii
A girl walks up. Looks to be about 15 years old. She has purple hair and a side shave, and a couple of tattoos, but she's in kind of, like an equestrian, friendly outfit.
Lou Wilson Mm.
Erika Ishii
And her eyes are full of wonder. She looks at you, and you can tell—she's still a little intimidated by you, but she looks at you with these starry eyes that you've never really seen on a human before.
Finn (Erika)
[Sweetly] Hey, friend! Hi!
Erika Ishii
And she pats your mane, and hands you an apple with the other hand. She says
Finn (Erika)
Hey, I'm Finn. I'm going to be taking you to the cart. What's your name?
Lou Wilson
I'm gonna—I will take the apple, and do my best to nuzzle. I'd like to attempt to nuzzle.
Erika Ishii
Aw, would you—okay! Roll to nuzzle.
Aabria Iyengar Aww!
Lou Wilson
That's another 2. So I just kind of smack her in the jaw.
Erika Ishii
You smack her and she's like
Finn (Erika)
Ope! Oh hoo hoo! You're a feisty guy!
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii
Get an experience point.
Lou Wilson
Uh, yes.
Finn (Erika)
[Laughing] You're a feisty guy! It's okay. You look just like the posters that I have, and the windbreaker that I have and aw, gosh. I hope that we're going to be the bestest of friends! I'm going to call you...
Erika Ishii
Is there a way that you'd like to indicate to her what your name should be?
Lou Wilson What's around?
Erika Ishii
You see—There's just kind of normal stall things. And there's actually a pamphlet about some of the horses there, and it says County Fair horse rides!
Lou Wilson
I'm just going to smack my water bucket twice.
Erika Ishii Dun dun.
Finn (Erika)
Oh! Hmm. I'm going to call you river.
Lou Wilson
[Chuckle] I mean, I don't know how a horse gives side eye, but I do my best. I try.
Finn (Erika)
I love you, River.
Erika Ishii
Roll to see if you can give side eye and communicate side eye.
Lou Wilson
I'm going to try—I'd like to communicate. Side eye. That's another 2.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Finn (Erika)
Oh, I think he likes it!
Lou Wilson
God.
Finn (Erika)
Aww! Well, I will take very good care of you, I promise. I'm sorry. Mr. Rutherford is kind of a pill, ya know. And between you and me, I really don't know what he's got planned for all the horses. Where are the other horses, by the way? I don't know. I think he was muttering darkly about, ya know, something about glue, and, uh. I don't know how that's related to horses, but [Sigh] Well, alright. Come with me.
Erika Ishii
She takes you to a cart and hitches you up.
Lou Wilson
As I feel the weight of the cart, on my terrific shoulders. Look out at the County Fair and I just imagine all of it on fire.
[The sound of fire and screaming]
[Everyone laughs]
Lou Wilson
Then I snap back to the present moment for for a second. I just want—I just dream of watching it all burn somewhere.
Aabria Iyengar Somewhere Phillip's like
Phillip (Aabria)
[Sniff] Yes. Yes exactly.
Erika Ishii
So. There you are. It is now 900 am.
[Country Jamboree music]
Erika Ishii
Things are starting to spin up at the County Fair. Thatsa—Itsa—Thatsa—River, is hooked up to the cart, ready to give the hay rides. And this horrifying monstrosity is in front of the tent, for all intents and purposes, passing as the monstrous barker of the Freak Show. Somewhere, there's a tiny raccoon making his way up the ferris wheel. The County Fair begins.
[Drumming on the table]
Erika Ishii
That's where we're going to stop this episode.
[Everyone cheers]
Aabria Iyengar Amazing!
Erika Ishii [Triumphant] Aaaagh!
Aabria Iyengar
[Music slowly fades away as the episode comes to a close.]