I love it when a plan comes together. Or when a ferris wheel falls apart. GUNS. MAGIC. PINK MIST. CONSPIRACIES WITHIN CONSPIRACIES. MAYHEM. MURDER. And of course: LAST MINUTE BETRAYALS that will make you LAY A DAMN EGG. Welcome to the rapturous, apocalyptic, felonious conclusion to Erika Ishii's A COUNTY AFFAIR. No. Loose. Ends.
While The Wizard the Witch and the Wild One is taking a break between chapters, enjoy this treat from the Patreon Vault. If you're interested in the rules of the game and how the gang made their characters, check out the prologue to A County Affair, available now on our Patreon.
We hope you've enjoyed A County Affair, our first one shot game! [these are mini campaigns we run while the big public story is still going on] Join FIRST TIME GM Erika Ishii (!!!) as they weave a tale of barnyard bandits, farmland fiasco, and kernel knowledge using only the Roll for Shoes rule set and the extremely illegal talents of
Aabria Iyengar as Phillip (the goat)
Lou Wilson as Itsa Winnerbaby (the horse)
and
Brennan Lee Mulligan as Ruthie (the Chicken)
with
Sound design by Casey Toney (a Human Man)
Worlds Beyond Number
A County Affair: Episode 02 - “FAIRmageddon” Final Version
[World’s Beyond Number intro music rises urgently with orchestral strings and flute]
Aabria Iyengar
This is the sound of Worlds Beyond Number.
[The other instruments fade into a lone flute and violin pluck. Country guitar music kicks up.]
Erika Ishii
Hello everyone, it is once again your humble GM for this little excursion, Erika Ishii. And we are back, at the County Fair. Last time on—last time on the farm, we saw Ruthie the chicken, and Itsa the horse, and Phillip, the terrifying devil himself.
Aabria Iyengar
Oh, thanks! I'm just a little guy.
Erika Ishii
He's just a little guy. All planned how they were going to break in, and heist the corn on the Family Farms Heirloom Kettle Corn Truck. They made a plan to release the Ferris Wheel from its pinions, so that it would cause mayhem, do a little murder. They decided they were going to swap out the corn for the animals feed, which is Kerrrn. They were going to break into the fair, and pass themselves off as the horse that pulls the Hay Cart, and as two animals stacked on top of each other, as a barker for the Freak Show.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii
And they went in and did exactly that, save for the complications of some shadowy figures from their past. Ooooh.
[Music ends]
Erika Ishii
So, we pick up, and Itsa Winnerbaby—
Lou Wilson
AKA Thatsa Loserhoney—
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Lou Wilson —AKA River!
Aabria Iyengar River!
Erika Ishii
—is about to begin his first circuit as the Hay Cart pulling horse! And the monstrous... Eldritch horror walking around, the many limbed—I don't know, what is your celebrity couple name? Phuth?
Brennan Lee Mulligan Yeah, Phuth.
Aabria Iyengar Phuth!
Erika Ishii Right. Are—
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii
—making their way, let's say, where?
Brennan Lee Mulligan
We are slowly, well, I should say, are people beginning to gather at the County Fair?
Aabria Iyengar Oh yeah.
Erika Ishii
Absolutely. It is about 930 at this point. The animals and the produce have arrived at the Rec Center, stalls are starting to open up, the hot dogs have been delivered. The contest is happening at about 200 PM. And the first denizens of the fair are coming in, you see a couple of families, with smaller children, that have to come early, have come. Of course, mostly older folks, they are quite partial to these earlier mornings of the County Fair. You see a couple of them going in and out of the arts and crafts exhibition, going in with macramé and crocheted potholders, leaving empty handed. Ruthie.
[Heist music begins]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I'm going to look at Phillip and say
Ruthie (Brennan)
Very well. Well. My suddenly alive husband has disappeared with his accomplice Chris, AKA I'm Afraid Of You, to rush out and collect whatever giant squash they're after.
Phillip (Aabria)
The big ol' pumpkin.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Pumpkin, that we now owe the exterior of to Fergie the raccoon—
Phillip (Aabria) Yes.
Ruthie (Brennan)
—who is undoing the latch in the Ferris Wheel.
Phillip (Aabria)
Right. That's going to be the perfect cover for what we're going to do for.
Ruthie (Brennan)
For what we're going to do next, which is we're going to get a big crowd here at the Freak Tent, we've disguised ourselves as a barker. Now, at this EXACT moment...
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Itsa, disguised as Thatsa, will begin pulling the Hay Cart.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Ruthie (Brennan) Once the hay—
[Heist music stops suddenly]
Aabria Iyengar
Can I roll for math to know exactly where Thatsa's going to be—
Erika Ishii Yes!
Aabria Iyengar
—if we know it's a perfect 15 minute circuit.
Erika Ishii
Perfect 15 minute circuit, that's right, so you should know exactly the route.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Lou Wilson
Phillip out here learnin' to Read, learnin' to Math, learnin' to Reverse Read.
Erika Ishii
[Laugh] That's right.
Aabria Iyengar
Can I roll? Is this a mixture of Read and Reverse Read? Because it's—what is—
Erika Ishii
No, this is Math!
Aabria Iyengar Alright, is that just 1?
Erika Ishii
"I know how to Read, and Reverse Read, and I don't know Math."
Aabria Iyengar Alright. 3
Erika Ishii
That's a 3. You don't—it's an imperfect memory, I don't think goats see with depth perception because their eyes are on the sides of their head.
Aabria Iyengar I'm a prey animal.
Lou Wilson [Chuckle]
Erika Ishii
Yeah, that's true!
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Lou Wilson
Phuth is a prey animal for sure!
Erika Ishii
Phuth is a prey animal.
Phillip (Aabria)
Okay anyway, as you were saying—
Erika Ishii
Unfortunately you have an imprecise—
Phillip (Aabria)
—I thought I was gonna have like a math thing to help, but you keep going, I didn't know.
Ruthie (Brennan)
So, very simply, Itsa, disguised as Thatsa, pulling the Hay Cart. You and me, here at the Freak Show.
Phillip (Aabria) Yes.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Fergie, undoing the Ferris Wheel.
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Alonso and Chris, unrelated to our heist—
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
Ruthie (Brennan)
—on their own heist for the pumpkin. As soon as that Hay Cart gets into position, and the Ferris Wheel is unlatched, we will finish our presentation as the carnival barker.
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Bing. Bang. Boom. The corn has been swapped in the truck!
Phillip (Aabria)
[Laugh] Who's swapping?
Ruthie (Brennan)
And the heist is over. Nonononono, it's fine.
Phillip (Aabria) Oh okay!
Ruthie (Brennan)
It's all fine! It's all part of the plan!
[Everyone laughs]
Ruthie (Brennan)
It's all part of the plan!
Phillip (Aabria) I don't know—
Ruthie (Brennan)
Don't you see? We are disguised as a barker! Itsa's pulling the cart! Fergie's Unlatching the Ferris Wheel.
Phillip (Aabria) No, I understand.
Ruthie (Brennan)
You add these pieces together—
Phillip (Aabria)
I can't do math, we've just established it! All of this sounds perfect to me. Let's go!
Lou Wilson Let's go!
[Everyone laughs. Someone pounds on the table.]
Erika Ishii
Meanwhile, over at the Hay Cart, they've started, and Finn is kind of letting you do your own thing, she trusts you to keep things moving, and roll to Pull the Cart.
Aabria Iyengar [Gasp]
Lou Wilson
Alright, rollin' to Pull the Cart.
Aabria Iyengar Roll to pull!
Lou Wilson That's a 1!
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii
Oh no! Alright.
Lou Wilson
I'm used to runnin' free! What's—
Erika Ishii That's true.
Lou Wilson
I'm bein' held back!
Aabria Iyengar
You're so encumbered!
[Wacky klezmer jazz]
Erika Ishii
So, there is a lot of stops, and starts and you just—you can't—
Lou Wilson
I just keep getting so tired!
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Are there people still—oh god! It won't end!
Finn (Erika) River.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) [Horse sputter]
Finn (Erika) River.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) [Horse sputter]
Finn (Erika)
Hey, we've got about like, I don't know how many, a thousand? Two thousand? Revolutions of this fairground still left to do today.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) [Horse sputter]
Finn (Erika)
I'm not going to try and force you to do anything you don't want to do, but I've read that it is important for horses to have a bit of structure in their life.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) [Nickering]
Erika Ishii
Are you trying to communicate with her?
Lou Wilson
No, but I think Itsa, as Thatsa, as River—
[Aabria and Lou laugh]
Lou Wilson
—is like—wants to say things, but doesn't want to talk, is trying to be a horse, Thatsa can't talk! So I think it's like almost like subconsciously, much like Alonso in his sleep, is like having responses—
Erika Ishii [Laugh]
Lou Wilson
—but making sure they're coming out as horse speak, and very much regretting that his friends chased off all the other horses.
[Aabria and Erika laugh]
Lou Wilson
It's all on me now!
Aabria Iyengar
Also, can we talk about you said thousands. It takes 15 minutes to go around once in a 15 hour work day. That's 60 times! I think you're gonna die.
Erika Ishii [Laugh] Oh no!
Aabria Iyengar
I think you're gonna die. You said so many, and I was stressed out.
Erika Ishii
And, as you have found out from Finn as well, in her sort of self talk in front of the horse, your former owner/jockey—
Lou Wilson
Mr. Rutherford.
Erika Ishii
—Mr. Rutherford, has been talking about, something something, the horses are bad, something something, glue?
Lou Wilson
Mm. It's every stop, it's
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Just keep pushing, just keep pushing.
Lou Wilson
Because every stop is just those words starting to invade my headspace. Yeah. But I know. Itsa knows. The plan is rock solid.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Lou Wilson
I pull this Hay Cart. They do the barking. The Ferris Wheel falls, and the corn gets switched!
[Aabria and Erika laugh]
Lou Wilson
So I'm going to keep—continue desperately trying to pull this cart, around in a circle. What's kind of the path I'm on, like, what's in front of me? What am I looking at?
Erika Ishii
So this is a circuit of the fair.
Lou Wilson Mhm.
Erika Ishii
And it's somewhat circuitous, because people prefer to take a little scenic tour. And you're gonna be stopping occasionally, but you can't tell when, or how, or what, Finn is kind of irregular, in her stopping, but so far you've, well, actually roll for a sort of map in your head.
Lou Wilson Rolling for Map.
Erika Ishii
Rolling for Map, you need a 4—
Lou Wilson That's a 6!
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Erika Ishii
Ohh! Okay, so you, unlike Phillip, are somehow able to perfectly calculate where the stops are, how long it takes you between them, and you realize that they're stopping at different points of interest, so it stops—
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Along the map, that we found at the shed!
Erika Ishii That's right!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Holy shit! I'm on the track. I'm the dots, baby! I'm the little dots!
Erika Ishii
You're the little dots.
Aabria Iyengar
[Laughing] "I'm the dot's baby!"
Erika Ishii
And so you have Map 2!
Lou Wilson
I have Map 2? Hell yes.
Erika Ishii Map 2.
Aabria Iyengar Amazing!
Lou Wilson
Well, then I'm gonna—it's hard as shit, but I'm going to pull this cart, until I get around to the barker, to the Freak Show tent—
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Lou Wilson
—and try and communicate with my—get some sort of eye coordination—
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Lou Wilson
—I'm going to keep pulling to try, in this first revolution, which is already off to a pretty haggard start, to hopefully make eye contact with one or both of my friends.
Erika Ishii
Alright, so as the cart pulls around to where the animal Freak Show is, you slow to a trot, and then pull up. This is normal for Finn.
Lou Wilson
I'm gonna—oh god. I need to cause a ruckus. Is there anything in my immediate—I need attention. Agh. I don't want to blow my cover. Is there something around me that I can knock over to cross—to maybe get some attention over here?
Erika Ishii
Around the Freak Show, you can see there's a couple of old feed bins, and cages, and the things that—this is not a very tidy looking Fair.
Lou Wilson
Perfect. I'd like to run into the cages.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Erika Ishii
You have 2 to Run
Lou Wilson
I have 2 to Run.
Aabria Iyengar [Whispered] 2 to Run.
Lou Wilson That's a 6 and a 5.
Erika Ishii Ohhhh!
Aabria Iyengar Let's go!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Can any of us help? Can any of us help?
Erika Ishii
Yes, yes you can.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
So you're trying to get a distraction, right?
Lou Wilson
I'm trying to make enough noise that you come and pay attention to me, because—I feel like I need to reconnect with my friends to figure out when the Ferris Wheel is going to fall.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Cool, I'll just add Do Anything to get you to two 6s. So that's two 6s on that.
Aabria Iyengar There you go!
Erika Ishii
That is two 6s, and so I think that gives you 2. Or that would give you a 3.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) 3 in Running?
Erika Ishii
No, not in Running, it would be in, let's say Ruckus.
Lou Wilson Alright!
Brennan Lee Mulligan A 3 in Ruckus!
Aabria Iyengar
Wait if it's all 6s isn't it a—yeah, yeah!
Erika Ishii
3. You got a 3 in Ruckus.
[Pounding hooves. A whinny. Slamming metal]
Erika Ishii
The cages [thudding sound effect] all knock over. There's a mess, and Finn is worried that you're going to be spooked.
Finn (Erika)
Oh! Oh it's okay!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) [Nickering]
Finn (Erika)
River! Shh, shh, it's okay, River.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) [Nickering increases in pitch]
Finn (Erika)
Oh my god, shh, that's okay. I don't know anything about what it means when horses blow raspberries!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) [Trilling noise]
Finn (Erika)
But oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry! Here, do you want another apple? Do you want an apple?
Erika Ishii
Roll to see if you can communicate with Finn, what the heck you're doing.
Lou Wilson That's a 4.
Aabria Iyengar [Sigh] Amazing.
Erika Ishii
That's a 4 well, okay. Finn knows—
Aabria Iyengar
[Laughing] I have a 2 in Read Signs, can I help?
Erika Ishii
In Read Signs?!
Aabria Iyengar
Yeah! He's giving signs!
Erika Ishii
Oh my god, alright. I would say. Roll to see if you can see what—if you can decipher what he is doing.
Aabria Iyengar
Alright. Is that for me Reading?
Erika Ishii Yes.
Aabria Iyengar
I'm going to Read Signs.
Erika Ishii Read Signs.
Aabria Iyengar No. 6 total.
Erika Ishii
6 total? I say with a 6, you can tell that—I mean, he gets your attention.
Lou Wilson Alright, great.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) [Trilling]
Erika Ishii
At a 6, he gets your attention. Finn can tell something is wrong, so she pulls the cart over for a second, and unlatches you from the horse cart, just to kind of rub you down. And she holds your face close to her. So she goes
Finn (Erika) Shh, shh.
Phillip (Aabria) Jesus.
Erika Ishii
She closes her eyes, and she tries to intimate to you,
Finn (Erika)
[Whisper] It's going to be alright, River. It's going to be okay.
Phillip (Aabria)
Ruthie. Someone's trying to whisper to—
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) [Nickering]
Phillip (Aabria) I don't like it.
Ruthie (Brennan)
This is the moment we've been waiting for.
Phillip (Aabria)
Okay, what do you want to do? I think we should go over there, but should we go together? Because there's also people here—
Ruthie (Brennan)
Who needs us to go over there, when the people will go over there for us.
Phillip (Aabria)
I don't know what that means. I feel like you just said it again, but slow. Okay.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I'm going to—having seen that you're trying to get our attention, I'm going to give you a big conspiratorial wink, like
Ruthie (Brennan)
I know exactly what you want us to do.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
And I would like to jump into the middle of the light as our ringleader monstrosity, with all the people gathered at the Freak Show, and start screaming at all of them.
Aabria Iyengar
Do you speak human?
Lou Wilson
Yeah. Do we speak human?
Erika Ishii
You can roll to try?
Aabria Iyengar
Can I roll to speak human? Because I think I tempt—
Lou Wilson Jesus Christ.
Erika Ishii
Oh, absolutely.
Aabria Iyengar
I tempt women!
Erika Ishii
Here's the thing. Here's the thing, is that—okay, roll. Yeah, roll.
Aabria Iyengar
I'm gonna roll to Tempt Human.
Erika Ishii
Roll to Tempt Human.
Aabria Iyengar It's magic.
Erika Ishii [Grumbling]
Aabria Iyengar Magic 2!
Erika Ishii
It is Magic 2.
Aabria Iyengar
I rolled bad so don't worry. 5.
Erika Ishii
Okay, a 5. Alright, that's another. Okay, so you have five experience, I think you have five experience points right now?
Aabria Iyengar Yep.
Erika Ishii Alright.
Aabria Iyengar
I've failed every attempt!
Erika Ishii
Now let me say something, that a goat sounds REMARKABLY like a human singing.
Phillip (Aabria) [Bleats loudly]
Erika Ishii
But clearly, somebody who doesn't speak English. So you can communicate to the people, people are starting to gather, and you can hear some of the locals say, like
Fairgoers (Erika)
Oh my god, they got a brand new attraction here this year. They don't seem to have the rooster this time but, boy, if this isn't the wackiest looking creature that I ever saw.
Phillip (Aabria) [Bleat]
Brennan Lee Mulligan Could I attempt to—
Fairgoers (Erika)
This is what happens when you have that Monsanto corn.
Aabria Iyengar [Cackle]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Could I attempt to Speak Human?
Erika Ishii
You may attempt to Speak Human.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Great.
Erika Ishii
Would you like to use anything else with that?
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Yes! I think it'd be pretty monstrous if a chicken could speak! So I would like to Create Monster and create myself as a monster that can be human
Aabria Iyengar
Yay! [Sinister whisper] I assist.
Erika Ishii I'm gonna—
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Or I could use Sweet Talk.
Erika Ishii
I'm going need Cause—I'm going to give you—
Aabria Iyengar [Gasp] Sweet talk!
Erika Ishii
—Sweet Talk, or Cause Fear.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Alright.
Erika Ishii
So Sweet Talk 2 or Cause Fear 3.
Brennan Lee Mulligan I'm gonna do Cause Fear.
Erika Ishii
Okay, Cause Fear 3.
Brennan Lee Mulligan And try to speak human.
Aabria Iyengar [Bleating] I assist.
Brennan Lee Mulligan What's the difficulty?
Erika Ishii
What are you going to assist with?
Aabria Iyengar
Uh [Sigh] I mean, yeah, it's gotta be Magic.
Erika Ishii
Right. Okay. So plus 2, Brennan will get a plus 2. And I—
Aabria Iyengar
Speaking to humans is Cause Fear and Magic.
Erika Ishii
I'm gonna say this is a is a Legendary so we're lookin' for an 18.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Looking for an 18.
Aabria Iyengar You got it.
Lou Wilson
How many D in there?
Brennan Lee Mulligan I'm only rolling three.
Aabria Iyengar
it's okay, but you have a plus 2.
Brennan Lee Mulligan I have a plus 2.
Lou Wilson
My man, you got this. You were born with this.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
So I either need two 6s and a 4, or a 6 and two 5s.
Aabria Iyengar
Or, you can spend one XP to change a roll on the die?
Brennan Lee Mulligan Only for a fail.
Aabria Iyengar Oh, for a fail, yeah.
Erika Ishii Only for a...
Aabria Iyengar You right.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
So two 6s and a 4, or a 6 and two 5s gets me to where I need to be.
Aabria Iyengar You got it.
Lou Wilson You got this.
Erika Ishii You need a 16.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Lou Wilson
[Singing] Baby, baby, baby.
Aabria Iyengar
All day. Oop. Oop.
Brennan Lee Mulligan I failed.
Erika Ishii Awww.
Lou Wilson
Can we hear what it sounds like? Can we—because that's—you honestly got a 12 or no—
Brennan Lee Mulligan A 12, 14. I got a 14.
Erika Ishii
Wait you got a 14?!
Lou Wilson
Whats a 14 sound like?
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Yeah, a 14. Alright, so I'm like
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Sinister] This is exactly what Itsa needs us to do.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Horrifying burbling wailing]
Phillip (Aabria) [Bleating]
Erika Ishii
[Laughing] Oh my god.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) [Nickering]
Aabria Iyengar
We sound like a Black Eyed Peas record, where is Fergaliscious?
Lou Wilson
Where is Fergie? Fergie!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
A fat raccoon on a Ferris Wheel goin "Fergalicious, Definition—"
Aabria Iyengar [Cackle]
Erika Ishii
There is a raccoon twerking on the Ferris Wheel right now.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii
He's only still—well. You don't know what he's up to.
Lou Wilson
We don't know.
Aabria Iyengar Who could say.
Erika Ishii
If you look—what you don't see—
Aabria Iyengar Ah!
Erika Ishii
What you don't see is a—
Aabria Iyengar Using it against me!
Erika Ishii
—fat little raccoon hanging on to some of the crossbars of a Ferris Wheel, twerking its little booty out!
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Erika Ishii
He is not very far up, though.
Aabria Iyengar Aw buddy.
Erika Ishii
He's pulling himself up. It's a lot of upper body strength!
Aabria Iyengar Aww!
Erika Ishii
But what's happening right now at the Freak Show, is Finn is—she's never seen this before. She thinks perhaps, that her whispering has done something.
Lou Wilson Mm.
Erika Ishii
That she's gotten through to you, that this is a reaction to her, and she's seein' all of this and is actually kind of into it. And the patrons, while they don't understand anything that you're trying to say, there's a smattering of applause—
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii
—as they think, perhaps this is some sort of sideshow? An exhibition of the freaks, perhap? So they're coming over, they're interested. They're not 100% on board, but also, ya know, the genetically engineered animals, in this area, are... Not always pretty. This could be the thing—
Fairgoers (Erika)
This could be the thing what they use in the McDonald's burgers.
Aabria Iyengar Ooh.
Lou Wilson Mm.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I'd like to spend two experience points for a flashback.
Aabria Iyengar [Gasp]
Lou Wilson Oh god.
Aabria Iyengar It begins.
[Bouncy jazz tune starts]
Lou Wilson
We're going back to a few minutes ago?
Brennan Lee Mulligan
We're going back to a few minutes ago.
Erika Ishii Alright!
Aabria Iyengar
Okay okay okay okay.
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Flashback noise] alright, bearded dragon.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Ruthie (Brennan)
Now, in a few moments, exactly as we planned, ahead of time mind you, as we planned, way in advance, in conversations you were not party to!
Lou Wilson
But it was you in this case.
Phillip (Aabria)
Ruthie, who are you talking to?
Brennan Lee Mulligan Bearded dragon.
Erika Ishii
So where are we flashing back to?
Brennan Lee Mulligan
We are flashing back to INSIDE the Freak Show tent, minutes before the people arrived.
Erika Ishii Alright.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Because Fergie's already headed out, and so have Alonso and Chris.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
So. I'm there tied to Phillip, we're in our ringleader outfit, and when Fergie heads off, I'm going to say
Ruthie (Brennan)
Exactly. Going, according to plan.
[Everyone laughs]
Brennan Lee Mulligan And I'm going to look at—
Spike (Erika)
[Stoner voice] Hey, man...
Ruthie (Brennan)
Hello, my old friend... What's your name?
Spike (Erika)
[Extremely slowly] Oh... It's Spike...
Ruthie (Brennan) Spike.
Spike (Erika) Yeah...
Ruthie (Brennan)
In a few short minutes, a horse named Thatsa Loserhoney. Wink!
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Ruthie (Brennan)
Is going to come on the first of 2000 revolutions of the County Fair.
[Aabria and Lou laugh]
Ruthie (Brennan)
At that point, the horse is going to break for the cages, and make an enormous ruckus. Myself and my colleague here, are going to handle the next leg of the distraction. That's where you come in. As we provide the distraction, you will quickly and discreetly eat all of the Kerrrn inside of the bin attached to the kettle corn truck.
Spike (Erika) Okay...
Lou Wilson
[Cackling] You'll eat it?
Aabria Iyengar In minutes?!
Ruthie (Brennan)
You don't have minutes. You only have 30 seconds.
[Aabria and Lou dying laughing]
Spike (Erika)
Should I, like, get over there now, or..?
Ruthie (Brennan) Uh, yeah Spike.
[Aabria and Lou laugh]
Ruthie (Brennan)
You should get over there right now.
Spike (Erika)
Aw man... Aw shit man... Yeah, alright, well, I happen to actually like Kerrrn? I know I shouldn't, but like, it's just so [Smacks lips] Powdery.
Aabria Iyengar [Cackle]
Erika Ishii
Alright, so Spike waddles off and we flash forward again to the moment in which the cages—
[Horse whinny, tumbling metal]
Erika Ishii
—the cages topple over. Spike has—let me see.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Erika Ishii
I'm going to roll for Spike to see if Spike made it over there.
Lou Wilson
What is eating all of—
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I'm sorry, sorry, just to see if he made it over there?
Aabria Iyengar
[In unison] Made it over there!
Lou Wilson [Laughing]
Aabria Iyengar
It's Roll for Shoes, it's one thing at a time.
Erika Ishii
That's a 5! Spike's got a 5!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Can I give him a plus one from Do Anything?
[Aabria and Lou laugh, someone clapping]
Erika Ishii
Plus 1 with this! Yeah.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Okay!
Lou Wilson
Sweet Talk and make it a plus 2 god dammit!
Erika Ishii
Oh, make it a total of 2! Okay, 7. So somehow—so when you say this, Spike's, like
Spike (Erika) Yeah, man. Cool.
Erika Ishii
Pew! And suddenly scuttles off like, on two legs—
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Erika Ishii
—doing this thing where he waved his arms as he goes, makes it over to the truck, which is parked, not—at the next stop over, and he starts eating. Starts eating real fast, just as a lot—as the two cooks of the truck have run out, to see what all the ruckus is about.
Lou Wilson
So what is Spike's roll to eat ALL of the Kerrrn—
[Aabria and Lou laugh]
Lou Wilson
—in a bin that can hold a year's supply of Kerrrn?
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Lou Wilson
Is that—what do you—would we say that's Legendary? Would we say that's Godlike?
[Aabria and Lou laugh]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I mean, that sounds—I mean, that sounds difficult.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Lou Wilson
[Wheezes with laughter so hard he starts coughing]
Brennan Lee Mulligan I said—
[Everyone breaks down laughing]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I mean—I mean—I mean—
Aabria Iyengar You killed him!
Lou Wilson
It's difficult, baby!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I mean, look here's—here's what—no nonono. No no no no no.
Lou Wilson
No no. No nonono. [Coughs]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
If you said "Brennan. Brennan, how—how hard would it be to eat your community's year's supply of food in 30 seconds?"
[Aabria and Lou laugh]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
"Would you say it was easy or difficult?" I would say difficult.
Lou Wilson Yeah.
Brennan Lee Mulligan So difficult is 7 to 8.
[Everyone laughs]
Brennan Lee Mulligan Difficult is 7 to 8.
Erika Ishii
You know what? Okay.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Lou Wilson
[Screams with laughter]
Brennan Lee Mulligan Yes!
Erika Ishii
I would say—
Brennan Lee Mulligan YES!
Erika Ishii
—I would call that challenging.
Lou Wilson Okay.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I would also describe it as challenging!
Lou Wilson
[In unison] I would also describe it as challenging!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Yeah!
Lou Wilson
The adjective fits!
Erika Ishii
So we're gonna need a 9.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Need a 9.
Erika Ishii
I'm gonna get a nine. He has 2 Eat. Eat 2, because all he pretty much does is sit around and eat—
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Erika Ishii —and look cute.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Yeah.
Aabria Iyengar
Can I help—no, was I part of the conversation?
Erika Ishii
No, you were not at the—
Brennan Lee Mulligan No no no!
Erika Ishii
I mean, you were part of the conversation, but—
Brennan Lee Mulligan Yeah. I was—we were—
Aabria Iyengar
If I could just give him some advice, like
Phillip (Aabria)
When you eat, you just gotta relax your jaw.
Aabria Iyengar
And assist him with—I have Eat 2, and I'm good at eating anything.
Lou Wilson Oh god.
[Aabria and Lou laugh]
Aabria Iyengar
I think we can get there!
Erika Ishii
We need to get a 7 on the die for this to work.
Aabria Iyengar Now we can do it!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Okay, here we go!
Lou Wilson
This is challenging!
[Aabria and Lou laugh]
Aabria Iyengar [Cackle]
Erika Ishii
That's a 9 on the die.
Brennan Lee Mulligan [Laugh]
Erika Ishii That's a 9. 11.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah dude.
Erika Ishii
Okay. So, in this flashback, continuing—a series of events is, back when everything is going according to plan, and then Spike is motivated by the freakiest, freak man that he's ever seen in his life, hightails it over
to the Kerrrn truck, goes into the bin where the Kerrrn is, and eats all of it. He eats all of it, and the stuff that he doesn't eat gets, like—he realizes that he can't eat ALL of it, so he eats a good amount, and the rest of it gets scattered onto the ground under the truck. He just uses his paws—bearded dragons are very good at digging, so he goes [Digging sound effects]
Aabria Iyengar Amazing.
Erika Ishii
And a good portion of a year of Kerrrn goes under the truck, and into his belly, and in the next 29 seconds, you see an ENORMOUSLY bellied bearded dragon, dragging himself out of the Kerrrn truck.
Spike (Erika) Oh, man.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Well well well. Stockings empty. Time to fill it up with honey.
Phillip (Aabria) [Sinister laugh]
[Music ends]
Erika Ishii
In the meantime, Finn has gone over to you and says,
Finn (Erika)
Okay, well, look, all the rest of the horses are gone, so I'm going to need to hook you back up to the cart, buddy.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) [Nicker]
Lou Wilson
I purposely put myself in position.
Erika Ishii Ohh! Alright.
Lou Wilson
And so who's in the back of the cart right now?
Erika Ishii
Right now, there is just two elderly folks.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I think this is our time to get in the back of the cart.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah, sure.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I think we've done what we needed to do.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah. We're on.
Erika Ishii
Yeah, there's two elderly folks in the back of the cart. And they
Elderly Folks (Erika)
Oh... This is nice. This is very lively, what a spirited young horse.
Erika Ishii
And you two—as you two, I guess, roll to climb up into the—roll to move as a—
Aabria Iyengar Yay!
Erika Ishii
—as a human. I think—
Aabria Iyengar
Roll to Move As A Human!
Erika Ishii
—I think I'm going to need this from Aabria.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Erika Ishii
Since you are the legs, correct?
Aabria Iyengar Yes, I am.
Erika Ishii
Alright, so. Yeah. Roll to Walk As A Human.
Aabria Iyengar
What can you do with a 3?
Erika Ishii Hmm. With a 3.
Lou Wilson
Can I give an Aid? Plus 2 for Running?
Erika Ishii
Plus 2 for running!
Lou Wilson
It's a form, it's another gerund!
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii
That's still not a full success, but I'd say for a 5 that the two of you manage to sway on over, as the old elderly couple look at each other and they're like
Elderly Folks (Erika)
Oh, these young singers and there... Body modifications. Oh, my.
Phillip (Aabria) [Bleat]
Elderly Folks (Erika) Oh! Yes.
Aabria Iyengar
Now, I would love to say—
Elderly Folks (Erika) What are your pronouns?
Phillip (Aabria) [Bleats]
Aabria Iyengar
And my weird sideways pupils shoot up to the sky as it's darkened.
Erika Ishii [Laugh]
Aabria Iyengar
I would like to spend my five XP—
Erika Ishii Fuck!
Aabria Iyengar
—on my flashback now, thank you very much.
Lou Wilson Here we go.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Here we go, here we go.
Aabria Iyengar
All! Part! Of! The plan!
Lou Wilson
This! Was! What we were gonna do! The entire time!
Aabria Iyengar The entire time!
[Mussorgsky's "Night on Bald Mountain" swells behind the narration]
Aabria Iyengar
As the sky is suddenly darkened by just, a truly upsetting number of pigeons from The Roost.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Yeah! Yeah!
Lou Wilson
Yes! Yes! The sky goes black!
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii
Are you flashing back to—oh this is—
Aabria Iyengar
I'm flashing back to the night before, because Phillip does all his best work in the Dark of the Night!
Erika Ishii
Flashback to the previous night. And there is a whole lineup of pigeons. One of them is nestled in a chair, the ruins of a large leather chair out just outside the carnival grounds.
[Sinister country music. Soft cooing]
Don Piccione (Erika)
[Godfather Voice] Hey, you want something from us?
Phillip (Aabria)
Pleasure to see you. I have a little deal that I'd like to make with you, and my friend Billiam sends his regard.
Don Piccione (Erika)
Ah yes. Yeah, Billiam's an old friend. Man, he coulda made it big time. Coulda kept on going, but yeah, what can we do you for?
Phillip (Aabria)
Some people are a little past their prime, and destined for the abattoir, but not us.
Don Piccione (Erika)
[Chuckle] That's real dark. I like the way you think.
Phillip (Aabria)
Thank you. So when—tomorrow, during the carnival.
Don Piccione (Erika) Yeah, the County Fair.
Phillip (Aabria)
An opportunity is going to present itself, and I need you, and hundreds of thousands of your best mates, to each, on my signal—and that signal is [Laughing] a horse freaking out by a Freak Show.
Don Piccione (Erika)
Yeah. So, hundreds of thousands of my boys—
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah
Don Piccione (Erika) —out in the skies—
Phillip (Aabria)
Are going to darken the sky, and each of you are going to go swing in, and truly obliterate the farmer's stock of good primo corn. I need each of you to pick up one corn, and fill the empty truck with it, one at a time. And no one get greedy and eat your piece of corn.
Don Piccione (Erika)
Oh. Alright. But in return, we're going to need a favor.
Phillip (Aabria)
What can I do for you?
Don Piccione (Erika)
Well, I think you do— we do your favor and then we call upon you when the time is right. Does that seem good?
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh] And I—
Don Piccione (Erika) You like that? Capisce?
Aabria Iyengar
[Laughing] Oh, a mafia pigeon, I love it! And Phillip is going to reach inside of his fur and pull out a contract, written in old timey English font where all the s's look like f's and slides it forward.
Erika Ishii
Alright. The pigeons take 20 minutes to read through it.
Aabria Iyengar Oh!
Erika Ishii
They can read, they can do Read.
Aabria Iyengar Okay, yeah.
Brennan Lee Mulligan They're the roost.
Erika Ishii
They absolutely can read, yeah, the Roost.
Aabria Iyengar The Roost.
Erika Ishii
They have the legal team swarm over it a little bit.
Phillip (Aabria)
Oh that's fair. You can line out and veto some things in there.
Don Piccione (Erika) Alright, alright there's—
Erika Ishii
After some lengthy negotiations—
Phillip (Aabria) No that's fine.
Erika Ishii
—they put their paws in some of the dirt, and then they stamp it onto the page.
Phillip (Aabria) Perfect.
Don Piccione (Erika)
Alright. You will get your hundred thousand—
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Don Piccione (Erika) —birds in the sky.
Aabria Iyengar Perfect.
Don Piccione (Erika)
At the moment of your choosing.
Erika Ishii Thank you.
Don Piccione (Erika)
It was a pleasure doing business with you.
Phillip (Aabria)
Truly you are the king of birds.
Erika Ishii
We flash forward to the moment. Itsa kicks over the cages, Spike in the truck, gorging himself, and wrecking up the Kerrrn. Phuth, sauntering out of the center ring. And suddenly... The skies darken.
["Night on Bald Mountain" returns, underscored by the gentle cooing of pigeons.]
Erika Ishii
You hear the cooing of hundreds—thousands?! Of pigeons. This. THIS. Is an onslaught the like of which the County Fair has never seen before. Denizens look up, foolishly mouths agape.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Lou Wilson
They don't know. They don't know.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Brennan Lee Mulligan Classic mistake.
Lou Wilson
Can I make an attempt at human speech?
Aabria Iyengar YEAH!!
Erika Ishii
You can. You can.
Lou Wilson
As Finn finishes hitching me up?
Erika Ishii Yes. Yes.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Lou Wilson That's only a 2.
Aabria Iyengar How can I—
Lou Wilson
So it only comes out as
Lou Wilson
[Puffing] Oh, my lips are dry.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) [Nickering]
Finn (Erika) It's—
Lou Wilson
But what I say is—oh, go ahead.
Erika Ishii Yeah.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) [Nickering]
Finn (Erika)
It's almost like you're trying to communicate with me!
Aabria Iyengar [Wheezing] Oh my god!
Finn (Erika)
If only you could talk!
Lou Wilson
So that's another failure.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Lou Wilson
But in my mind, what I'm attempting to say is
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
I've never been a Loserhoney.
[Aabria and Erika cackle]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
You ask who I am? Itsa Winnerbaby!
Lou Wilson
And I'm going to headbutt her.
Aabria Iyengar YEAH!!
Erika Ishii Oh! Oh!
Lou Wilson
I'm going to headbutt her and take off as FAST as I can toward the Kerrrn truck.
Erika Ishii
Okay, roll to Headbutt first.
Lou Wilson Okay, great.
Aabria Iyengar
It's so important that we sent one lizard to eat all of one corn, and then millions of pigeons—
Erika Ishii [Laugh]
Aabria Iyengar
—to replace the rest.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
And that the pigeons we did the night before, and the lizard we did—
[Everyone laughs]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
—like, oh, shit, this better happen soon. We got, like—
Lou Wilson
Pigeons are comin', pigeons are comin'!
[Everyone laughs]
Erika Ishii
Hey! Let me tell you something. You are the best heist animals ever.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Thank you!
Lou Wilson Thank you!
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Thank you!
Erika Ishii
That doesn't mean you're good on human standards, but you don't need to be good at humans standards!
Lou Wilson
No, we're—this is unbelievable for three animals.
Aabria Iyengar Unbelieveable!
Lou Wilson
I got a 1 on my headbutt.
Aabria Iyengar
[Wheezing laughter] Oh no!
Erika Ishii [Cackling]
Lou Wilson
Never really done this before. I'm actually not sure which is the head on human? Because there's no big nose, so.
Erika Ishii
You aim for the head, what you think may or may not be the head.
Lou Wilson Yeah.
Erika Ishii
You end up kissing her cheek ever so lightly, and she throws her arms around your neck!
Lou Wilson
Well, she better hold on because I'm taking off at full gallop.
Erika Ishii
Well, you got a 2 to Run, so go ahead—
Lou Wilson Let's go.
Aabria Iyengar Let's go!!
Erika Ishii
—and give me a 2 for Run!
Lou Wilson That's a 6 total.
Aabria Iyengar [Wheezing] Oh no!
Lou Wilson
This pulling thing? This like, having a thing on my back is not fuckin' doing it for me, guys. Somebody free me.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
How many XP have you gotten in the last 90 seconds?
[Everyone laughs]
Lou Wilson
[Laughing] Enough to switch the whole heist around!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I think you got like, three XP in one breath!
Erika Ishii
I think that's a 7, I think that's a 7, so you can manage a canter.
[Light horse hooves]
Erika Ishii
You manage a canter. And in the meantime, Finn
Aabria Iyengar Ohh my god!
Lou Wilson
I'm trying to be so cool. [Laugh]
Erika Ishii
Okay, well, she tried to—Finn sensing that, this is her moment! And she's going to swing up one handed and do a full Eowyn and become—live her horse dreams, she manages to cling to your side, so you have Finn clinging to your saddle.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Shit.
Finn (Erika)
River slow down! Wait for me. Wait for me!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
[Strained] I'm supposed to be running at a full gallop right now. Agh, the elderly people look like they're havin' a FUN time.
Erika Ishii
So the elderly folks are in the back.
Aabria Iyengar
Are you still connected?!
Elderly Folks (Erika) So... do you—
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Yes!
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Lou Wilson
Because you're in it, right?
Aabria Iyengar [Laughing] Yeah!
Erika Ishii
Yeah, you're still connected.
Elderly Folks (Erika)
Do you like... Modern music? How about that, uhhh... I don't know, what do young people like? Do you—are you on the Tick Tocks?
Phillip (Aabria) [Bleat]
Elderly Folks (Erika) Oh!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Okay.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Aabria Iyengar Brennan.
Elderly Folks (Erika) Influencer, you say? Oh!
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I would like to—Now. We're in the cart, but up at the front of the cart, we can see Itsa and Finn. I'm going to spring out of the costume, and rush to the front of the cart, seeing that Finn is still grappling Itsa. And I would like to lay an egg.
Aabria Iyengar [Gasp]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
And let it break on the fastening of Itsa to the cart. Because eggs are corrosive, and, this is a true story—
Aabria Iyengar Hey. Hey Brennan?
Brennan Lee Mulligan
—I learned this FROM Aabria!
Aabria Iyengar Hold on, hold on.
Erika Ishii
Eggs are corrosive in this—in a moment. How long does it take for it to corrode leather? And steel?
Brennan Lee Mulligan Leather and steel?
Erika Ishii Yeah.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Well, it took us—
Lou Wilson
Would you say it's challenging?
Brennan Lee Mulligan
It just took a lizard 90 seconds to eat a whole—
[Aabria and Brennan laugh]
Erika Ishii
Let's see what the die have to say about that, my friend!
Aabria Iyengar Can I assist?
Erika Ishii
Okay, first of all, roll for clothes.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Roll for clothes? Oh!
Aabria Iyengar Ohh!
Erika Ishii
Roll for clothes. You have to break out of this costume, and take off a top hat.
Phillip (Aabria) [Bleat]
Brennan Lee Mulligan That's a 4!
Erika Ishii
Alright, do you do—
Aabria Iyengar
Can I assist—hold on. Can I assist with THIS specifically?
Erika Ishii Yes.
Aabria Iyengar
As I feel Ruthie starting to like jostle, I'm going to lean up and just start to eat the clothes around Ruthie.
Erika Ishii Okay!
Aabria Iyengar
With my Eat of 2, which gets you to a 6.
Erika Ishii
Yes. Alright. That gets you to a 6, alright. So you are able to bust loose from—
Brennan Lee Mulligan Do I get a new skill?
Erika Ishii
And you get a skill. Let's say—
Aabria Iyengar Bustin' 2.
Lou Wilson Bustin'?
Erika Ishii Bust Out 2.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
No, wait. Now this is very important. Is it "Bust Out?" Or "Bustin'," with an apostrophe at the end?
Aabria Iyengar
With an apostrophe. You heard it right!
Erika Ishii
Oh it's Bustin', it's Bustin'.
Aabria Iyengar
Bustin' makes him feel good!
Erika Ishii
[In unison] Makes him feel good!
Lou Wilson
[Mimicking the riff from the theme from Ghostbusters.]
Ruthie (Brennan)
As Alonso used to scream in his sleep, [to the tune of "Ghost Busters"] Bustin' makes me feel good!
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii
Alright, so you bust out, you head to the front, roll to see if you can egg on command. You have Egg 2. I'd say this is still difficult, so we're looking for an 8.
Lou Wilson
We're looking for an 8.
Aabria Iyengar Looking for an 8.
Brennan Lee Mulligan [Confidently] Watch this. 5.
[Aabria and Lou laugh]
Lou Wilson
Shit, dog, that's not even a ruckus. I can't even get you there.
Erika Ishii Nope!
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii
Alright, so, you try your damnedest to lay an egg on command, but it might be just a performance thing.
Aabria Iyengar Oh no!
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Grunting with exertion] No one look at me!
[Aabria and Erika laugh]
Ruthie (Brennan)
Everyone look away. Everyone look away. Please! Plea—hah, I just did one this morning. Agh, I shouldn't have done one this morning, I should have held it in. Come on! [Blubbering with effort] Ahhhh! [Fart noise] That's just a fart.
Erika Ishii You canter—
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii
You canter towards the next stop, which is the Heirloom Corn Truck.
Lou Wilson Hell yes.
Erika Ishii
And in the meantime, Finn is—Finn is going—
Erika Ishii
[Singing the American folk lullaby, "All the Pretty Little Horses] All the pretty little horses...
Aabria Iyengar
Hold up. Could I attempt my magic on young impressionable women to get Finn to go run screaming into the woods at night?
[Brennan and Lou laugh]
Erika Ishii
You can absolutely do that.
Erika Ishii Thank you!
Erika Ishii
Roll 2! Let's say... Let's give it a—I'd say that's an 8.
Aabria Iyengar Okay!
Erika Ishii Looking for an 8
Aabria Iyengar
2d6! [Frustrated] I'm at a 7!
Erika Ishii 7!
Lou Wilson
You need Math—what do you—
Aabria Iyengar
Wait, hold on. I will spend an XP to turn this 1 into a 6, so—
Lou Wilson
But that's only for advancement.
Aabria Iyengar
OH! That's only if I make—
Erika Ishii
That's for advancement!
Aabria Iyengar Shoot.
Erika Ishii
But you do have one point that you can use to push it up and then you would get—
Aabria Iyengar But I wouldn't—
Erika Ishii
—another skill. You wouldn't succeed, but you get another skill.
Aabria Iyengar
[Sigh] Shoot. Yeah, okay, I'll do that anyway.
Erika Ishii Alright.
Aabria Iyengar Losing my touch!
[Discordant music]
Erika Ishii
Finn... Hears it, she hears the call. Dance under the moon, naked in the moonlight. And she goes
Finn (Erika)
Yeah, that seems good, especially if there's horses there!
Erika Ishii
But it's not yet the afternoon. She's staying put.
Aabria Iyengar
[Laughing] It's so early, it's like 1000!
Erika Ishii
She's saying put.
Aabria Iyengar Alright.
Erika Ishii
Kind of clinging to Itsa.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Okay.
Erika Ishii
As you pull up to the cart—to the truck, you still have about an hour until serving happens.
Lou Wilson Okay, cool.
Erika Ishii
And Lou, see that there is Kerrrn spilled out all over on the ground. And there are birds still in the process of—there's a flurry of feathers, and motion, and cooing, as thousands of birds put heirloom corn into the Kerrrn container, and a very large lizard drags himself out.
Spike (Erika)
[Weakly] Hey man... Got that Kerrrn, boy?
Phillip (Aabria)
Don't look at me, look at Ruth.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Oh, very well done, Spike. Very well done.
Spike (Erika)
Yeah... That's... Delicious...
Ruthie (Brennan)
Well, I'm glad it was a good meal. Because it's your last.
Erika Ishii [Gasp]
Ruthie (Brennan) No loose ends.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
And I shoot Spike in the head.
[Everyone laughs]
[Aabria, Erika, and Lou, in unison] What!?
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I don't know. Can I roll to—
Aabria Iyengar Roll for Gun!?
Lou Wilson
Wait, I have 5 XP. Can I flashback?
[Everyone roars with laughter]
Lou Wilson
[Dying of laughter] Can I flashback? Can I spend 5 XP to flashback?
Erika Ishii
Flashback. [Confrontationally] Show me on this board when you flashback and find a fucking gun!!
[Everyone dies of laughter]
Lou Wilson It was, uh—
Brennan Lee Mulligan
[Laughing] Are we really doing this for THIS? Are you really blowing your 5?!
Aabria Iyengar
You better give us all guns!
Lou Wilson
It's right after social media access!
[Everyone laughs]
Lou Wilson
Me with my Colombian expat friend.
Aabria Iyengar
Like should we go on the Tor?
Lou Wilson
No, no, I'm not gonna spend it, I'm not gonna spend it.
Erika Ishii
[Cries out off mic]
Lou Wilson
We're not going to spend 5 XP to flashback to us—
Aabria Iyengar
Getting guns on the internet?
Aabria Iyengar
[Laughing] Just Ruthie picking up a glock, kind of feeling the weight.
Erika Ishii [Laugh]
Lou Wilson
Be like "This is nice."
[Everyone laughs]
Brennan Lee Mulligan Okay.
[Everyone laughs. Lou in particular shrieks with joy]
Brennan Lee Mulligan What do I need to roll—
Lou Wilson Fuck!
Brennan Lee Mulligan —to end Spike's life?
Lou Wilson [Laugh]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I can just roll Do Anything!
Erika Ishii
You can roll Do Anything, see if you can attack Spike and end him!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I would like to roll to Have a Firearm.
Erika Ishii
You can't just roll to have a firearm!!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Have is a verb, and this says Do Anything! Having is a thing you can do.
Erika Ishii
Alright, well, okay. I'm going to need—[Sucks in breath]
Aabria Iyengar
They're going to make it Godlike.
Erika Ishii
God, it is, it is Godlike. To have found—
Lou Wilson Oh!
Erika Ishii
—a loaded gun, and learned how to use it in this space—
[Everyone laughs]
Erika Ishii
You can't roll 21—
Aabria Iyengar I'm helping!
Erika Ishii
—on a d6—okay.
Aabria Iyengar
I'm helping with my magic, so you have a plus 2.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Okay. What do I need to roll?
Erika Ishii
A 21, Brennan!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Do these explode?
Erika Ishii
No. No, they don't explode.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Alright alright alright.
Aabria Iyengar This one does!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Fine!
Aabria Iyengar
This is the kids on broom die! Do that one.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Oh that's the kids on broom die?
Aabria Iyengar
Do that one. That one explodes.
Erika Ishii
It's still not gonna—
Aabria Iyengar
Hey Erika? That one explodes.
Erika Ishii You can't—
Aabria Iyengar Hey, Erika?
Erika Ishii
Look! You don't have a gun right now! If you can find a way—
Brennan Lee Mulligan [Disappointed] Fine. Okay—
Erika Ishii
I gave you flashback points!
Brennan Lee Mulligan You did, that's true.
Lou Wilson
Do you want me to use five to flashback to us getting guns?
Brennan Lee Mulligan Nooo... Fine.
[Aabria and Lou laugh]
Erika Ishii
You can still try and end him.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I'll still say the same menacing—
Aabria Iyengar
You can try to kill him normal!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I'll say the same menacing thing to Spike.
Aabria Iyengar
We can kill him normal, he's so slow!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Can I have—I can't have any weapons.
Erika Ishii
It's not that you can't have weapons, you cannot specifically have had a gun that is unlocked, and you can use—
Brennan Lee Mulligan Can I—
Erika Ishii
—in this moment—
Brennan Lee Mulligan Can—
Erika Ishii
—without flashing back—
Brennan Lee Mulligan Can I j—
Erika Ishii There are rules!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Can I just have, a henhouse egg incubator lamp?
[Aabria and Erika laugh]
Erika Ishii
[Unsettled] Where are you keeping it?
Brennan Lee Mulligan
[Severely] I think you know where I was keeping it.
Aabria Iyengar
Ooh. That's why the egg was having such a hard time coming out.
Lou Wilson
It has to get past the henhouse hot lamp.
Aabria Iyengar Oh my god!
Erika Ishii Roll Lay Egg—
Brennan Lee Mulligan Okay.
Aabria Iyengar To lay an incu—
Erika Ishii
—to produce your heat lamp.
Lou Wilson
I'm going to throw up.
Aabria Iyengar
[Awed whisper] Oh my god!
Lou Wilson
This has been a core workout, the last—
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Can anyone add—because I have two 5.
Aabria Iyengar
Here's a problem. Magic?
Erika Ishii
You can't just say Magic, period.
Lou Wilson
Okay, here's one thing.
Erika Ishii
It's specifically—
Aabria Iyengar
Ok well, hold on! It's a lamp! Electronics?
Lou Wilson I do have it.
Erika Ishii
Electronics would work.
Aabria Iyengar That's a plus 2!
Lou Wilson
I also have—I won't lie.
Aabria Iyengar Oh god.
Lou Wilson
I also have Door.
Aabria Iyengar [Cackle] Do Door!
Lou Wilson I have Door.
Brennan Lee Mulligan [In unison] I have Door.
Erika Ishii
Door is funnier. We're gonna do Door.
Aabria Iyengar Door is funnier.
Erika Ishii
Alright. You get a plus 2 for Doors, that makes that two 6s. You got a 12 total. You get...
Aabria Iyengar [Anticipatory] Uh huh?
Erika Ishii
I guess, uh—
Aabria Iyengar Say it.
Erika Ishii
Produce Weapon 3.
Brennan Lee Mulligan [Grimly] Oh, baby.
Lou Wilson [Laughing] This is bad.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Produce Weapon 3. Okay, so I'll say that threatening thing. I'll go
Ruthie (Brennan)
I hope it was a good meal, because it's your last meal. No loose ends.
Spike (Erika) [Worried gasp]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
And I'm going to pull, literally out of my ass, I pull a full working heat lamp.
[Heat lamp hums to life]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
And I'm going to set it on Spike, who is filled to bursting with unpopped corn.
Aabria Iyengar
Yeah. And he would love that, because he's a lizard, and he would love a heat lamp. So he doesn't even have the instinct to run away.
Lou Wilson
He thinks it's a treat.
Aabria Iyengar
He thinks it's a treat!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Everyone thought that Ruthie was like a little sweetie. No, this is—she's at work.
Aabria Iyengar
Hey, everyone's been listening, no one thought that after the first half of the last episode.
Lou Wilson
As soon as we saw Ruthie at work.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Lou Wilson
You know, Ruthie at home, is introduced—
Aabria Iyengar Ruthie at work?
Lou Wilson —with her chicks!
Aabria Iyengar [Cackle]
Brennan Lee Mulligan Yes.
Lou Wilson Ruthie at work?
Brennan Lee Mulligan Ruthie at work is different.
Lou Wilson
Is pulling a heating lamp out of her ass—
Aabria Iyengar
[Laughing, in unison] Out of her ass!
Lou Wilson
to cook—or to pop—
Aabria Iyengar Oh my god.
Lou Wilson
—a bearded dragon.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Yeah.
Aabria Iyengar
[Awed whisper] Amazing.
Spike (Erika)
Oh, man, I love a good sunning. Oh? Uh. [Grunting noises as he expands]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
[Rumbling as pressure builds, a rupturing explosion]
Erika Ishii
BOOM! And suddenly lizard guts are everywhere in front of you. [Splish noise] There's a splatter of blood, across the beak.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Ruthie doesn't even blink, she's seen this so many times.
Lou Wilson [Laugh]
Aabria Iyengar
I'm going to, like, trot over and lick Ruthie's beak clean.
Ruthie (Brennan)
That's right Phillip, get it clean.
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
Aabria Iyengar
[Laugh] Yeah, put that on the fucking board. [Dying laughing]
Lou Wilson
Did you say "Get it clean?"
Ruthie (Brennan) Get it clean, Phillip.
Lou Wilson
[Laughing] Jesus fuckin' Christ.
Ruthie (Brennan)
It's not—this line of work isn't for everybody. You've got to have a cold heart to make it in the heist business.
Erika Ishii [Cackle]
Phillip (Aabria)
Ruthie, I think I'm in love.
Brennan Lee Mulligan [Laugh]
Aabria Iyengar
And I just, like, frolic around the Kerrrn powder and guts.
Erika Ishii
The bird flock—the flock of the Roost has mostly started to clear out. One big pigeon with chubby pouchy cheeks, comes up to you.
Don Piccione (Erika)
So we are still in an agreement that you owe a favor to the Roost, yes?
Phillip (Aabria)
Obviously. I'm a goat of my word.
Don Piccione (Erika)
Very good. Well, we'll just hold that in reserve here. The county carnival day is yet young.
Erika Ishii And takes off.
Aabria Iyengar
Before he takes off, I want to gesticulate towards the pile of lizard guts and Kerrrn powder and be like
Phillip (Aabria)
Little treat for the road? There's nothing wrong with it. I'm just being hospitable.
Don Piccione (Erika)
Are you sure you don't want to finish that yourself?
Aabria Iyengar
Oh, I have—I'm chewing like a little bit of lizard intestine right now, and I'm like—
Don Piccione (Erika)
Well, that's very kind of you. Yes, yes.
Phillip (Aabria)
The rules of hospitality.
Don Piccione (Erika) Oh, thank you.
Phillip (Aabria)
Intestines, and corn powder.
Don Piccione (Erika)
That's true, yeah. That means it's been a pleasure doing business with you.
Phillip (Aabria) [Whisper] Sweet.
Erika Ishii
And takes as much as he can carry—
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh] Yeah!
Erika Ishii
—in his beak and in his talons, just like lizard guts everywhere. Flies away. So now you have a truck full—empty of Kerrrn, and full of heritage corn in the Kerrrn bin.
Lou Wilson Mhm!
Aabria Iyengar Okay.
Erika Ishii
And you are still—Itsa is still hitched—
Aabria Iyengar Ah shit!
Erika Ishii —to the—
Lou Wilson
All my friends are doing cool shit—
[Aabria and Erika laugh]
Lou Wilson
—while this woman strokes me.
Erika Ishii
Yeah. Finn is there and I mean, as far as she's concerned—
Aabria Iyengar
Can I go and try and eat through the harness, so you can be free?
Erika Ishii
Alright. Roll to Eat.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah, I'm not full.
Erika Ishii
That's—I'm going to need—before you—
Aabria Iyengar
Ope, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.
Erika Ishii
I'm gonna need. Ohhh, it's, uh, difficult-ish, let's say a 7. I need a 7.
Aabria Iyengar
Do you want me to roll again?
Erika Ishii
Uhhh, yeah give me a 7.
Aabria Iyengar
Yeah, sure sure sure sure. I rolled too early—oh no! I rolled so much worse the second time!
Erika Ishii
That's a 4. Ahhh, it's a shame!
Aabria Iyengar Dang it.
Erika Ishii
It's a dang shame!
Phillip (Aabria) I can't help you!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) It's alright.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Finn (Erika)
Oh! No, no no no, little, no little one. It's okay. It's okay!
Phillip (Aabria) [Bleat]
Aabria Iyengar
I wanna headbutt her.
Erika Ishii Oh!
Aabria Iyengar Don't patronize me.
Erika Ishii
Roll to headbutt.
Aabria Iyengar
Shit, I don't have that either. God dammit. Do Anything. 6!
Erika Ishii
Well, now you have Headbutt 2!
Aabria Iyengar Yay!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
You missed! It's the soft part on the side! That's the head!
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Finn (Erika) Oop!
Aabria Iyengar
That's all my damage is. "Oop!"
Erika Ishii
Finn picks ya up!
Aabria Iyengar Oh, no!
Erika Ishii Places you—
Aabria Iyengar I'm so small!
Finn (Erika)
[Calling out] Is this somebody's goat?
Phillip (Aabria) [Bleat]
Finn (Erika)
Is this somebody's goat? He headbutted me!
Phillip (Aabria) [Wailing] Ruthie!
Lou Wilson
Ruthie, Produce Weapon! [Laugh]
Brennan Lee Mulligan I am going to—
Aabria Iyengar I just try to, like
Phillip (Aabria)
Ruthie, smoke this bitch!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I'm going to—I'm going to Create a Monster. [Laugh]
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
What can I do here? I think I'm going to attempt to scare Finn.I'm going to do Cause Fear.
Erika Ishii
Okay. Cause Fear? Alright. Yeah, that's somewhat challenging, you are a chicken. Give me, give me an 11.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Okay.
Aabria Iyengar
She doesn't fear anything.
Phillip (Aabria)
Ruthie help, she doesn't fear anything.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
We both headbutted her, she's just—
Erika Ishii
She's just so happy to be here!
Phillip (Aabria) Finn doesn't care!
Erika Ishii
She loves horses, and animal friends.
Brennan Lee Mulligan No.
Aabria Iyengar Oh my god!
Erika Ishii No? Alright.
Aabria Iyengar
She's our boss battle. Just a kind woman.
Erika Ishii
Horse girl boss battle.
Lou Wilson
Okay, this is what's been in my head for the last 3 minutes, I'm just going to say it out loud and attempt to do it. I'd like to run again, but this time kind of—the dream is to Tokyo Drift—
Aabria Iyengar [Cackle]
Lou Wilson
—the cart, like I don't care about—I just, like to use the centri—to go forward, and then swing, so that the cart flips, and maybe we can snap—
Aabria Iyengar Ooh!
Erika Ishii Ahh!
Lou Wilson —the hitch.
Erika Ishii
Okay, give me... What would you say this is.
Lou Wilson I mean—
Erika Ishii Running?
Lou Wilson
It's obviously running.
Erika Ishii Yeah, alright.
Lou Wilson It's running.
Aabria Iyengar [Whispered] Let's go!
Lou Wilson
I wish it was Ruckus.
Erika Ishii
Give me run. Okay, this is—
Aabria Iyengar
It feels like Ruckus, because you're trying to cause destruction to the cart.
Lou Wilson
Yes, my goal is destruction. Can we call it Ruckus?
Aabria Iyengar Ruckus?
Erika Ishii
We can call it Ruckus.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Erika Ishii
Give me—you're rolling 3 for Ruckus.
Lou Wilson 3 for Ruckus.
Aabria Iyengar Let's go!
Erika Ishii
And I'm looking for [Sucking in air] Let's call it a 12.
Lou Wilson Ok, a 12.
Aabria Iyengar You got this.
Lou Wilson
Okay, the first two are a 6.
Erika Ishii [Gasp]
Lou Wilson so I need a 6.
Aabria Iyengar You can do this.
Lou Wilson I got a 2.
Erika Ishii
Wait, you said the first two were 6.
Lou Wilson
No, the first one was a 6.
Erika Ishii Oh, 6 total.
Lou Wilson
It was a 1 and a 5, and then I got a 2 for a total of—
Aabria Iyengar
[Crying laughing] Why is this the hardest part?
Lou Wilson
For a total of [Laugh] 8.
Erika Ishii
Okay. Well, I'd like to say, you have 8 experience points right now.
Lou Wilson
I do have 8 experience points. So I can flash back to the beginning and change the whole nature of the heist.
[Aabria and Lou laugh]
Aabria Iyengar Do it!
Erika Ishii Okay, but—
Aabria Iyengar
[Laughing] Do it, do it, you have to!
Erika Ishii
Okay. So, but—would you like to do that now, or should I tell you what happens?
Lou Wilson
No, tell me what happens.
Erika Ishii Alright.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
[Wacky klezmer music]
Erika Ishii
So, you take off at a trot, a canter, a gallop, a run! And you drift, and—
[Creaking wood]
Erika Ishii
—the cart does indeed tip over! But it is still attached to you, and there are now two old people, in the back clinging on.
Elderly Folks (Erika) [Wonderously] Oh my!
Erika Ishii
Clinging onto the cart! So you're dragging a cart that is no longer upright.
Lou Wilson
Great. As I just kind of circle around, I don't want to leave the vicinity of the corn, so I'm just
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
[Frustrated] Get this thing off of me! We have to execute the next phase of the heist! Where the FUCK is that raccoon??
Aabria Iyengar [Cackling]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Alright. I would like to attempt to Sweet Talk the old people into strangling and killing Finn.
Lou Wilson
[Hooting with laughter]
Erika Ishii [Laughing] What!?
Aabria Iyengar
Wait, can I assist because I have Tempt 2.
Erika Ishii
[Beleaguered] Yes, you can assist.
Phillip (Aabria) [Low bleat]
Erika Ishii
Alright. Okay. Brennan—
Brennan Lee Mulligan Mhm?
Erika Ishii
—I need to tell you now, for a chicken to—
Brennan Lee Mulligan Yeah.
Erika Ishii
—who does not know English—
Brennan Lee Mulligan Yeah.
Erika Ishii
—to sweet talk—
Lou Wilson
[Shrieking with laughter]
Erika Ishii
—two old people—
Lou Wilson [Still laughing]
Erika Ishii
—into killing a little girl, I'm gonna need a 24 from you, alright?
Aabria Iyengar
Hold on, can I also roll, then? Because I CAN communicate with humans.
Erika Ishii
No, you can HELP.
Aabria Iyengar
But we're working together, because we're the same!
Erika Ishii You can help.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Alright well—
Aabria Iyengar It's my wife!
Lou Wilson
I have to say—
Erika Ishii
You can add, what is it? 2? Tempt 2?
Aabria Iyengar 2. Yeah.
Erika Ishii
Like Magic Tempt 2? Alright.
Aabria Iyengar
I just think it would be fair if we tried to roll 5 dice.
Erika Ishii
Sweet Talk 2, 2 dice.
Lou Wilson
I just have to say real quick, that it's amazing that Brennan said it, and we all went, yeah, okay.
[Everyone laughs]
Lou Wilson
Erika actually laid it out, it was like [Laughing] "Yeah! That is pretty—" Brennan said it so—"I'd like to Sweet Talk the old people into murdering Finn" and we all went "Mhm. Yeah. Uh huh."
Brennan Lee Mulligan Okay, so.
Lou Wilson [Cackle]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
We're saying—so you don't feel like it would be difficult.
[Everyone laughs]
Erika Ishii
I'm saying it would be Godlike.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Godlike, okay!
Lou Wilson
A straight up 24.
Erika Ishii
24. To convince—you, a chicken, knowing no English, to convince two old people to murder a little girl.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Alright. Even Ruthie has a line that she won't cross, and murdering a little girl probably crosses that line.
Aabria Iyengar
How little—like, is she like an adult?
Erika Ishii
She's 15 years old.
Aabria Iyengar Ah, shit.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Well, I was voting when I was 15.
Aabria Iyengar
Is there chicken suffrage in this world?
Brennan Lee Mulligan [Laugh]
Lou Wilson
Okay, I'm gonna spend 5.
[Aabria and Brennan laugh]
Lou Wilson
I'm gonna spend 5. I'm gonna spend 5, we're gonna flashback.
Erika Ishii 5 or all 8?
Lou Wilson
No, not all 8. I'm just going to spend 5. I don't want to change the whole nature of the heist, because I feel like we are still figuring out the nature of the heist.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Lou Wilson
[Laughing] It's a little premature, to be like "it's not what you think it is."
[Everyone laughs]
Lou Wilson
Because I'm still waiting for that raccoon to come through.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Lou Wilson
I want to flash back to the creek, to the rabbit, who beats me in the race every morning. In the moments of preparation, two days before the heist.
Rabbit (Erika) Hey.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Hey.
Rabbit (Erika)
You wanna piece of this?
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Fuck you. You're a fast little fucker, alright? You know that?
Rabbit (Erika)
Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
And I'll tell you, back in my prime, I could kick your fucking ass.
Rabbit (Erika)
No, well, you're not in your prime now bud, are ya?
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Yeah, I know I'm not, alright? That's why I need help.
Rabbit (Erika) Oh...
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Tomorrow, I got a big score—two days from now, the County Fair.
Rabbit (Erika) Huh.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
We might get into hot water. Alright, I'm not the horse I used to be, and I gotta admit that. It's too important a score. There's too much on the line—Sedona—
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
—but—enough. I don't want to get lost in what could be, I want to focus on what is. That said, I might need help.
Rabbit (Erika) Okay?
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
So I need you to be in the woods, nearby. Just keepin' an eye on things. If we need you... We might need your speed, we might need your courage, we might need your ears, I don't fuckin' know, man, alright? But I'll cut you in on my share, alright? Just be there. And be ready. And maybe bring some fuckin' friends, I don't know.
[Organ arrangement of "Londonderry Air"]
Ruby (Erika)
Hey. My name's Ruby.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Itsa.
Ruby (Erika)
Good to meet you, Itsa, alright?
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Alright.
Ruby (Erika) See you then.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) I'll see you then.
Ruby (Erika)
Well, hopefully it won't come to that.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
But if it does... Kick some fuckin' ass.
Erika Ishii Boom!
Aabria Iyengar
Haha! That was a very cool flashback.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Love that. Love that.
Erika Ishii
We return to the present.
[Creaking wood.]
Erika Ishii
The cart has just been tipped. Itsa is walking around in a circle, with Finn clucking at him sweetly, and two old people, thinking perhaps this is a new, exciting ride that they've added to the County Fair?
Aabria Iyengar Wild.
[Triumphant funky Disco music]
Erika Ishii
A warren of rabbits emerges from the copse of the trees nearby, comes in.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Ruby! You came!
Ruby (Erika)
Yeah, you think I'd miss this for the world, bud?
Ruthie (Brennan)
I thought you and that rabbit hated each other! Absolutely!
Phillip (Aabria) [Bleat]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
We did! But maybe there was something underneath it all along!
Ruthie (Brennan)
That's what I love about heists!
Ruby (Erika)
He was emotionally vulnerable. We—as an athlete, I gotta respect that!
Ruthie (Brennan) No, I get it! I get it!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
You see, it's one of those tropes, you know, where the kinda two alphas kinda realize that together they're stronger!
Ruby (Erika) Yeah!
Ruthie (Brennan)
For sure, we don't call them tropes in real life, but yes, absolutely!
[Aabria and Lou laugh]
Ruthie (Brennan)
I'm right there with you!
Erika Ishii
So, they come in, and they start to gnaw at the tethers, that fasten you to the cart. Within moments, you are free.
Lou Wilson Oh, thank god.
Erika Ishii Finn is like
Finn (Erika)
Wait, wait, come back River!
Lou Wilson
I'd like to ruckus Finn off my back.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Finn (Erika) Come back!
Lou Wilson
Just full rear up.
Finn (Erika) Alright, okay!
Erika Ishii
I'm looking for, let's say this is a 6, this is pretty—
Aabria Iyengar Headbutt assist.
Lou Wilson
Thank you that's—holy shit, I need it because I got a 5.
Aabria Iyengar Plus 2?
Lou Wilson Plus 2 equals 7.
Erika Ishii
Alright, so with that, Phillip—at the same time that you're bucking, Phillip kicks! And poor sweet Finn gets dumped on her butt, falling safely into the hay of the Hay Cart.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Alright. Phase zeta! Go, go, go!
[Music ends]
Ruthie (Brennan)
Exactly. Everything going according to plan.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
As we all start to head out, can I walk up to Ruby?
Erika Ishii Yeah.
Brennan Lee Mulligan I go
Ruby (Erika) Hey!
Ruthie (Brennan) Ruby.
Ruby (Erika) Yeah.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Phenomenal work. Thank you for saving our friends.
Ruby (Erika) Oh! Absolutely.
Ruthie (Brennan) [Sinister] No loose ends.
[Everyone laughs. Pulse pounding disco jazz starts.]
Ruby (Erika)
Is that a heat lamp!?
Brennan Lee Mulligan Can I produce weapons?
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Erika Ishii Sure!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I'll just roll a number, and you tell me what weapon I get. I don't know what I got up there!
Aabria Iyengar Up there!
Lou Wilson Up there.
Erika Ishii Oh my god.
Brennan Lee Mulligan That is an 11 overall.
Erika Ishii Okay.
Lou Wilson [Sputtering laugh]
Erika Ishii For an 11...
Lou Wilson
3 to Produce Weapon is so dangerous.
Aabria Iyengar It's CRAZY.
Erika Ishii
Okay, so you come up to Ruby, and Ruby's like
Ruby (Erika)
Thank you, thank you.
Erika Ishii
You pull out a rabbit ear on a chain, you start swinging it around.
Ruby (Erika)
Oh! Holy—holy shit!
Ruthie (Brennan) [Squawk]
Ruthie (Brennan)
I'm going to try to jump and garrote wire.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Whispering] Go to sleep Ruby. Go to sleep.
Erika Ishii
Roll to garrote.
Lou Wilson
Roll to garrote, man, come on, you gotta roll to garrote!
Brennan Lee Mulligan That's a 2!
Lou Wilson
That's a 2 on garrote.
Erika Ishii Alright.
Ruby (Erika) Hey, knock it off!
Erika Ishii
Ruby starts kicking, kicking kicking kicking.
Brennan Lee Mulligan I let go.
Ruthie (Brennan) Fine, fine.
Lou Wilson [Cackle]
Ruthie (Brennan) [Disappointed] Fine, whatever!
Ruby (Erika)
Your friends suck!
Ruthie (Brennan) Whatever, man!
Ruby (Erika) Oh my god!
Ruthie (Brennan) Whatever!
Ruby (Erika) What the—what!!
Erika Ishii
And then Ruby and the warren take off back into the woods.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii
They've already forgotten clean about this.
Lou Wilson Great.
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Petulantly] I never get to "no loose ends" anybody.
[Everyone laughs]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
You killed that bearded dragon!
Ruthie (Brennan)
Oh, that's right! When was that? Was that—
Phillip (Aabria) Minutes—
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) That was like minutes ago?
Phillip (Aabria) Minutes ago, Ruthie.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Anyway let's head—
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
Lou Wilson Wait—
Aabria Iyengar
But before you go, I want to toss you your harlequin mask back.
Lou Wilson
I'd like to roll to perfectly catch it on my face.
Erika Ishii
Yes, please do that.
Lou Wilson That's a 1
Erika Ishii Alright.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii
So it lands behind you. It's like you can see it. The beautiful orange harlequin mask, tumbling through the air, as if in slow motion. Splat. It falls behind you.
Phillip (Aabria) Oh.
Lou Wilson
I'm going to turn around and take a minute. Can I roll to put it on?
Erika Ishii
Yeah, roll for clothes.
Aabria Iyengar Wanna assist?
Brennan Lee Mulligan Yes, I do.
Lou Wilson
Yeah, you're pretty good on clothes, right?
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I have 2 in Find Clothes.
Lou Wilson Okay. That's a 6!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Wooo!
Erika Ishii Was that a 6—
Lou Wilson
A 6 on the die. Without his plus.
Aabria Iyengar Oh!
Erika Ishii
Alright, so now you're gonna have Clothes 2.
Lou Wilson Oh, great.
Erika Ishii
Clothes 2 and you wriggle your head in, and, Ahhh... Your head is complete once more.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) [Suavely] Itsa Winnerbaby.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Alright, let's execute the next plan. Where the fuck is the raccoon?
Erika Ishii
And at that moment...
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Erika Ishii
This raccoon rolled very well for—
Aabria Iyengar [Whispered] Let's go.
Erika Ishii
—disassembly. Because what you didn't know about this raccoon is that he was doing time for burglary.
Aabria Iyengar We knew.
Erika Ishii Yeah, alright.
Aabria Iyengar He's got thumbs!
Erika Ishii
That's stereotyping. And I don't much care for it.
Aabria Iyengar
Anyone with thumbs steals things.
Erika Ishii
Alright that's—yeah okay, I can't—
Lou Wilson
Roll for stereotyping.
Aabria Iyengar [Gasp]
Lou Wilson
Roll for Prejudice.
Aabria Iyengar
That's a 4! I got a four in Prejudice.
Erika Ishii
Alright so, you're like—
Lou Wilson
I have a 1 in Prejudice.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Wow.
Erika Ishii
—you're like, "Hey—"
Brennan Lee Mulligan Hey, good for you, man.
Erika Ishii
"—you're one of the good raccoons."
Brennan Lee Mulligan You've really done the work.
Aabria Iyengar
[Cackle] You're not like OTHER raccoons!
Erika Ishii
"You're not like other raccoons." So he pulls that out.
[Ping noise. Creaking reverberating metal.]
Fergie (Erika) Oh my god.
Erika Ishii
In that moment.
Lou Wilson [Laugh]
Erika Ishii
You hear it. You feel it, before you see it. There's a rumbling in the ground. You hear screams.
[Terrified screams]
Erika Ishii
There's not many people left here, it's only 1130. But the unmistakable sounds of chaos and mayhem.
[Frantic Jazz Funk. Rumbling grows louder and louder]
Erika Ishii
And then you see it. The Ferris Wheel freed from its pinions, rolling towards you. Alright, everybody Roll to Dodge. You can use whatever skill you'd like, but avoid this mayhem, as you see stampeding people, and carts spilled all over, and a Ferris Wheel.
Lou Wilson
Can I make my Dodge, scooping up—or an attempt to scoop up the other two?
Aabria Iyengar [Gasp] Thank you!
Erika Ishii
Yes you can! You are the getaway, and muscle.
Lou Wilson Mhm.
Erika Ishii
So yeah, you can absolutely do that.
Aabria Iyengar Can I help?
Lou Wilson I got a 3.
Erika Ishii
What—did you want to add in something?
Aabria Iyengar
I was going to assist with Eat.
Erika Ishii Explain.
Aabria Iyengar
Now if I assist, is it you have to eat, or I'm eating to help you?
Erika Ishii
You're eating to help.
Aabria Iyengar
Then I bite—not in a bad way, but I bite your tail, to be scooped up, and just bobbin' on the back.
Erika Ishii Okay...
Brennan Lee Mulligan You got a 3?
Lou Wilson I got a 3.
Brennan Lee Mulligan And what's the difficulty?
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh] A million.
Erika Ishii
The difficulty is 6. Because it's easy, but not trivial.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I would like to roll—we got a 3 right now?
Erika Ishii
Yes. And you can only add one extra skill—
Aabria Iyengar Ah, shit.
Erika Ishii —for aiding.
Aabria Iyengar
Yeah. Well, don't let it be Eat then.
Lou Wilson
Well you guys just—
Aabria Iyengar
You have a three in something?
Lou Wilson
I was just trying to scoop you up.
Aabria Iyengar That was nice.
Lou Wilson
You can just focus on the individual dodging.
Erika Ishii
Alright. So that's one miss from Lou. Aabria?
Aabria Iyengar
[Long pause] I'm gonna use—
Erika Ishii
We're looking for a s6.
Aabria Iyengar
I would love to use Magic 2.
Lou Wilson
[Laugh] To use Magic.
Erika Ishii
I'm not going to allow it.
Lou Wilson
The falling back on magic—
Aabria Iyengar
[Dying laughing] To teleport—
Erika Ishii
You have other—no?
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Us planning a heist like, "You'll use your ability to run, to close the distance as fast as possible. Then, Phillip will cast a magic spell."
[Everyone laughs]
Erika Ishii I—
Aabria Iyengar
BUT! I roll Do Anything. Oh I got a 6!
Erika Ishii That is a 6!
Aabria Iyengar We made it!
Erika Ishii So you—
Aabria Iyengar To dodge!
Erika Ishii
Have Dodge 2 now, actually.
Aabria Iyengar
Well, I forgot you could be normal in this game!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
But you haven't dodged for yourself, right?
Lou Wilson
I spent my time trying to save my friends and I—
Erika Ishii This isn't D&D.
Aabria Iyengar How do i help?
Erika Ishii
You don't have an action economy, you can roll to try and dodge now.
Lou Wilson
I'll try and dodge for myself.
Aabria Iyengar
Yeah, do somethin'! I can assist!
Erika Ishii Yeah!
Lou Wilson That's a 2.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Brennan Lee Mulligan Alright.
Aabria Iyengar
[Laughing] Can I help with my Dodge 2?
Erika Ishii No?
Lou Wilson
Leave me, leave me.
Erika Ishii
No, Brennan? How do you get out of the way?
Aabria Iyengar
[Laughing, off mic] I wanna help!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I am going to roll to dodge for myself.
Aabria Iyengar [Crying laughing]
Brennan Lee Mulligan 2.
Lou Wilson
I like to imagine I'm just moving left and right, trying to be like, just on the other side of it.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
But I roll a 6! To get Itsa out of the way.
Erika Ishii Ooh!
Lou Wilson Aww.
Erika Ishii
How do you get him out of the way?
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I go—as you're like moving left and right—
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) [Grunting with exertion]
Brennan Lee Mulligan —I go
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Yelling out] Itsa! Run!! Ruuuuuuun!!!
[Everyone laughing]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
That's what I was born to do.
Lou Wilson [Mimicking hoof beats]
[The wistful organ plays "Londonderry Air"]
Lou Wilson
And I move, rather than going left or right, I just go right.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
And then I think Ruthie looks up at the Ferris Wheel barreling towards her, having failed her Dodge check, and everything slows down for her. And she just sees the wheel coming and goes.
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Wistfully] I always knew it would end... Like this.
Aabria Iyengar For real?
Lou Wilson
I mean we gotta kill somebody, right?
Aabria Iyengar
Yeah, that's fair. Okay.
Erika Ishii
Alright, well. So I'm going to roll for the Ferris Wheel because, there is a chance that you could Buster Keaton this.
["The Entertainer" plays]
Aabria Iyengar [Gasp]
Erika Ishii
And get caught between one of the spokes.
Aabria Iyengar
You're a chicken! That's got to be easy, for that to happen!
Erika Ishii
It should be easy, right? So I'm going to roll... Yeah. I'm going to roll a d6 and I need a 4 on the die.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
You're going to roll that and—
Erika Ishii No. I need—
Brennan Lee Mulligan Okay, so Do Anything—
Erika Ishii
Actually. Let's do a roll off.
Aabria Iyengar [Gasp] Rollies!
Erika Ishii
We're gonna do a roll off. I am going to roll a d6 and you will roll a d6.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Great.
Erika Ishii And the—
Brennan Lee Mulligan
And the higher number wins.
Erika Ishii
—higher number wins.
Lou Wilson
There's something so funny, too—
Aabria Iyengar
Can I help with magic?!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Let's see—
Lou Wilson
We always say the phrase like the GM is everything else, right?
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Erika Ishii Yeah.
Lou Wilson
And there's just something very funny to it becoming as concrete as, "Well I will roll for the Ferris Wheel."
[Everyone laughs]
Lou Wilson
"And you will roll—"
Brennan Lee Mulligan "To not die."
Aabria Iyengar "For the chicken."
Erika Ishii
Here we go. I'm going to roll and I've got. A 1!?
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Now, here's the thing. You said I could Buster Keaton this. I have two in Bustin'.
Aabria Iyengar [Cackle]
Brennan Lee Mulligan Wouldn't we say that Busting—
Aabria Iyengar Bustin' Keaton!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
—is what a Buster does? Isn't Busting what a Buster does?
Lou Wilson
Now let me tell you what a Buster does!
Erika Ishii Roll.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Let me tell you what a Buster does!
Lou Wilson
He does Bustin'!
Aabria Iyengar B-b-b-b-bustin'!
Erika Ishii
Roll to—to bust.
Aabria Iyengar
You have to beat a one.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Oh, I just BUSTED!
[Everyone laughs]
Brennan Lee Mulligan That's a 10, baby!
Erika Ishii YES-UH!
Aabria Iyengar WOO!
Lou Wilson
Straight Bustin'. Absolutely Bustin'.
Brennan Lee Mulligan [In unison] Bustin'.
Aabria Iyengar Incredible.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I just busted all over this fair.
Aabria Iyengar Incredible.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I also will spend an XP to turn that other 4 into a 6. Unless anyone can add—
Aabria Iyengar No, you passed it.
Lou Wilson
You want the advancement?
Brennan Lee Mulligan Oh no, I want a new skill.
Aabria Iyengar Oh, sure.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Or unless anyone added 2 to my—
Aabria Iyengar
WAIT. Can I add to Magic? Can I add my Magic, to time that properly? You have to let the magic mean something I have a 2 in Magic.
Erika Ishii
[Resigned] You do have a 2 in Magic. How does that manifest, though, as you tempting?
Aabria Iyengar
It's not tempting, I have Tempt 2 AND Magic 2.
Erika Ishii
What does it look like? Because your magic, Phillip—
Aabria Iyengar Mhm.
Erika Ishii
—has always been about persuasion and manifesting. You just plant an idea in somebody's head—
Aabria Iyengar Yes.
Erika Ishii
—and they do what they want to do, and they can blame it on you!
Aabria Iyengar
Exactly. And it's always been on females, too, and Ruth is a lady chicken. [Laughing] And as Ruth closes her eyes to accept death by Ferris Wheel, as expected—
[Somber violin music, bowed and plucked]
Aabria Iyengar
—I give her a vision of the worst moment in her life, which is when her 47th grandkid wanted extra corn pudding, and she too sternly said no. And in that moment—
Lou Wilson
That's your worst fear? Now with the character played out.
Aabria Iyengar
Yep! And you freezing and halting in that specific moment as it replays in your mind—
Grandchick 47 (Erika) [Cutely] Gramma?
Aabria Iyengar —and turning back.
Grandchick 47 (Erika)
Can I have an extra helping of corn pudding?
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Kindly] Not right now, sweetie.
Grandchick 47 (Erika) [Sadly] Okay...
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Remorsefully] I was too harsh with my sweet baby...
Aabria Iyengar
And I time it, so that you are frozen in your horrible memory, at exactly the right point, for it to roll over and I miss you.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Anyone looking sees a chicken truly crying.
[Everyone laughs. Someone slaps a knee.]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Huge tears rolling down my face, in shame at having so sternly. I've killed so many people.
[Everyone laughs]
Lou Wilson
3 minutes ago, failed to garrote a rabbit!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I've tried to kill a rabbit, two elderly people, a little girl, successfully killed a bearded dragon, whose only crime was helping us for no reason.
[Everyone has a laughing fit]
Brennan Lee Mulligan Oh, god.
Aabria Iyengar
Anyway, I think your thing goes up.
Erika Ishii As—
Aabria Iyengar Bustin' up.
Erika Ishii
That's true. No, that gives you Dodge 3.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Dodge 3, let's go!
Erika Ishii
Or no, you know what? It's not dodge, that's not dodge. That's Accept Fate 3.
Aabria Iyengar Whoa.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
God, I'm gonna use that skill in a fucked up way later.
[Everyone laughs]
Erika Ishii
I would be disappointed if you didn't.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I'm so good at accepting my fate.
[Everyone laughs]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
"Oh shit, I thought something was going to happen, but then they accepted their fate so hard!!"
Lou Wilson
"Whoa, god lighting, god lighting, acceptance of fate!"
Brennan Lee Mulligan
[In unison] "Accepting the fate!"
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii So.
Aabria Iyengar
Is this what you expected?
Erika Ishii Actually, yeah!
Aabria Iyengar Huh!
Brennan Lee Mulligan [Cackle]
Erika Ishii
The Ferris Wheel rolling free, and you see, as it rolls by, Itsa palavering, trying to decide which side to go to, turns to the right. Canters off, runs off runs like he's never run before. Ruth standing there, accepting her fate, knowing that this... This is how the light is snuffed. She's going to that big free range co-op in the sky, Phillip encouraging his new love.
Aabria Iyengar What? Your words.
Lou Wilson [Chuckle]
Erika Ishii
The Ferris Wheel rolls by. You see a little raccoon clinging to the side.
Fergie (Erika) I did it!!
Phillip (Aabria) Good job!
Erika Ishii
There's utter mayhem at this carnival. Nobody is paying attention to any of you. People are running and screaming. Children are, with no sort of context or moral compass, actually kind of having a good time.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii
And you are, there with a truck, that is full of corn in the corn bin—corn in the Kerrrn bin. What do you do next?
Lou Wilson
Itsa trots back over, to I'm assuming where Ruthie is still standing still.
Aabria Iyengar
[Laugh] Accepting her fate!
Lou Wilson
And he gets down on like—does that thing that horses do—
Erika Ishii Aww!
Lou Wilson
—where they get down on all fours.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Ruthie?
Ruthie (Brennan) Itsa?
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Thank you.
Ruthie (Brennan) Of course.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
I haven't had many friends in this life. You knew what I needed.
Ruthie (Brennan)
You needed to do what you were born to do. What you do better than anyone I've ever known! That's run.
Lou Wilson [Laugh]
Erika Ishii Aw.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
You know, this uh, I don't I don't want to be too forward, but are we having a moment?
Erika Ishii [Gasp]
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Coyly] Well, I don't know Itsa, you tell me.
Erika Ishii
Roll to have a moment.
Aabria Iyengar Ah!
Erika Ishii Each of you.
Aabria Iyengar Roll for moment!
Erika Ishii
For a moment. I'm looking for a combined score of, uhhh. Look, this is challenging for the both of you, living your life of crime, so I'm going to say a 10, combined.
Lou Wilson 6?
Aabria Iyengar [Gasp]
Brennan Lee Mulligan That's a 10.
Aabria Iyengar Amazing!
Erika Ishii 10—
Brennan Lee Mulligan 10 overall.
Erika Ishii
—plus 6. This moment warms you. You both remember, Sedona, sending your little chicks to college.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) What?
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Ruthie (Brennan)
I was there. In Sedona.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) What?
Aabria Iyengar [Laughing] What?
Ruthie (Brennan)
Sedona, I was there the whole time.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Wait, you want to send your children to college?
Aabria Iyengar [Cackle]
Ruthie (Brennan)
All 40 children, and all 180 grandchildren.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Like a chicken college or..?
Ruthie (Brennan) No, a human college.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Ruthie (Brennan)
One of the Ivies—not a bullshit Ivy like Cornell, but a REAL Ivy!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Yeah.
Ruthie (Brennan) Harvard, Yale, Princeton!
Erika Ishii
You share that moment, where you each remember why you are in this, why this is important to you, the real stakes of this, what to Phillip is a game. And then the moment is gone, and you're left with a truck full of Kerrrn—full of corn, and a carnival in mayhem, and a two-headed rooster, on the dashboard.
Ruthie (Brennan) [Gasp]
Erika Ishii
With the giantest ass pumpkin you've ever seen.
Alonso (Erika) Ruthie.
Ruthie (Brennan) Alonso.
I'm Afraid Of You (Erika)
Hi. I'm here, too. It's I'm Scare—I'm Afraid Of You.
Ruthie (Brennan)
That's right, I'm Afraid Of You. That's YOUR name.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Yes.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Even in your mind to yourself, that's your name.
I'm Afraid Of You (Erika) [Terrified] Yes.
Ruthie (Brennan) Yes, that's right.
I'm Afraid Of You (Erika)
God, she's in my head, Alonso.
Alonso (Erika)
I know, why do you think I left?
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Alonso (Erika)
We're taking this truck for ourselves, Ruthie.
Ruthie (Brennan)
But, I'm afraid we need this truck to stay on the farm. Alonso.
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah.
Ruthie (Brennan)
That's going to feed all the little chicks and everybody else.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Yeah. Blip and Blip 2. Everyone's counting on us.
Alonso (Erika)
That's—those are stupid names.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Yeah, well—
Phillip (Aabria) You're stupid!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) —they're engaged, asshole.
Phillip (Aabria)
You're a chicken with two heads, and you're going to call Blip and Blip 2 stupid?
I'm Afraid Of You (Erika)
[Stupidly] Hey, are we stupid, Alonso?
Alonso (Erika) No.
Phillip (Aabria) Dumb as hell.
Brennan Lee Mulligan I'm gonna say
Ruthie (Brennan)
Alonso, if you want us to carry your pumpkin to safety, we'd be happy to do that and have our two heists run side by side. But first, you have to scoop out all of the innards, and leave them here in a big pile for Fergie.
Alonso (Erika) [Mocking laughter]
Ruthie (Brennan)
Not the singer. Although he does have some lovely lady lumps.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Alonso (Erika)
Wow, that does sound like an appealing offer, Ruthie, but unfortunately, I know you, and it's like I always say when I'm asleep, you can't trust a chick.
Aabria Iyengar [Gasp]
Ruthie (Brennan)
Fine. [Grimly] No loose ends.
[Jazz funk heist music]
Lou Wilson
You're producing another weapon?
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I'm gonna produce another weapon.
Erika Ishii Yeah!
Lou Wilson
Can I add plus 2 with Doors?
Brennan Lee Mulligan Yeah.
Aabria Iyengar [Cackle]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
How much do you add for Doors?
Lou Wilson Plus 2.
Brennan Lee Mulligan I have an 18.
Erika Ishii Oh my god.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
No joke. I rolled a 6 and two 4s, also with plus two—wait, does plus two work across..?
Erika Ishii Yeah.
Aabria Iyengar It raises pips.
Erika Ishii
It raises pips.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
It raises pips. Okay, so that's an 18, and I get a new skill off of Produce Weapon.
Aabria Iyengar
It's gotta be... Cluck with a Glock.
Brennan Lee Mulligan 18 is legendary.
Aabria Iyengar Yup!
Erika Ishii [Laugh]
Lou Wilson
Just like this moment that's just—
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Lou Wilson
It's just us with a chicken in the center, and a horse and a goat on either side, staring down a two-headed rooster in the front seat of a car with a pumpkin in it.
Aabria Iyengar
[Laugh] And, normal corn in the back.
Lou Wilson
And normal-ass corn in the back.
Aabria Iyengar
A year's worth of normal corn.
Lou Wilson
And currently that chicken is digging around in it's ass.
[Aabria and Lou laugh]
Erika Ishii
Alonso knows all of your tricks. But he has never seen you pull a full-ass rocket launcher from your ass before.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Is that a Stinger?!
Ruthie (Brennan)
Say buh-gawk, little man.
Aabria Iyengar Buh-glock.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Buh-glock!! That's my new catchphrase!!
Ruthie (Brennan) Buh-glock!
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii
You can see it in his eyes. There's this weird machismo that he doesn't want to give up this heist for! But he is staring down the barrel of a RPG. What's he going to do?
[Heist music comes to an end]
I'm Afraid Of You (Erika)
Hey, Alonso, you know, we can—there's, like a giant rutabaga in there that we can just fully go and scoop. I don't even think anybody's guarding it. There doesn't seem to be any security around this year.
Phillip (Aabria)
Listen to him Chris, you gotta get out.
Alonso (Erika)
[Resigned] Alright. Alright.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Empty the pumpkin, Alonso.
Phillip (Aabria)
We want the outside of the pumpkin, actually.
Ruthie (Brennan) Oh.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Yeah you could take the inside and the seeds.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah, wait. You can keep the inside and the seeds—
Alonso (Erika) What?
Ruthie (Brennan)
—but the outside needs to go to Fergie the raccoon.
Alonso (Erika) Oh. Yeah.
Phillip (Aabria)
That's the part you wanted anyway.
Alonso (Erika)
Yeah, that's the part I wanted anyway. Alright, Ruthie. You got yourself a deal.
Aabria Iyengar
[Gasp] That's a good roll.
Erika Ishii
Damn, alright. Wow, alright, Alonso and Chris, working in tandem, make quick work of that pumpkin. They hollow it out, take the seeds with them. Somehow. I think, Chris has to eat all of the seeds. They're going to pass them later.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Erika Ishii
They are mule-ing this entirety of a pumpkin.
Aabria Iyengar Seed mule?
Erika Ishii
Seed mule. They leave the pumpkin rind, dump it into the passenger seat for you.
Alonso (Erika) Alright.
I'm Afraid Of You (Erika)
Alright. We got it. We're going. We're going.
Alonso (Erika)
Well, my little chickadee hope to see you on another job.
Erika Ishii
And they... Get the fuck out of there!!
Aabria Iyengar
I mean, how fast are they running? Because they're full of seeds. Because I would like to kill—I wanna kill them.
Erika Ishii Yeah?
Aabria Iyengar
I've learned from Ruthie.
Erika Ishii Okay!
Phillip (Aabria) No loose ends.
Brennan Lee Mulligan [Laugh]
Phillip (Aabria)
Ruthie, can I borrow that little rabbit foot?
Ruthie (Brennan)
Do you want the heat lamp or the rocket launcher?
Phillip (Aabria)
I want the rabbit foot.
Ruthie (Brennan)
The rabbit foot? Here's the rabbit foot.
Phillip (Aabria) Thank you!
Erika Ishii
Alright, roll for it. What are you going to use?
Aabria Iyengar
Yeah, I'm just going to roll to garrote.
Erika Ishii
Roll to garrote, okay.
Aabria Iyengar
I don't have that skill.
Erika Ishii
Well, they unfortunately have 2 for Fighting because they are roosters.
Aabria Iyengar Ah, shoot.
Erika Ishii
The two roosters have two pairs of spurs.
Aabria Iyengar
Hold on. I'm going to do headbutt then, I'm going to take it for luck. And then I'm going to try to headbutt them.
Erika Ishii
Two against two. Alright, you're going to need to beat. Oh. A 7.
Aabria Iyengar
Alright. With a 9, baby!
Lou Wilson
So you're just like—
[Wacky Klezmer music.]
Erika Ishii
You run at them, full tilt. Your tiny little body smashing into theirs, with your four sets of horns now?
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Erika Ishii They explode.
Aabria Iyengar
I don't want them to explode. I want to knock the Alonso head off, and kind of just—kind of just use the body as like, a little bag to hold the seeds, because the seeds are also worth money.
Erika Ishii
Alright, so go ahead and—
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Erika Ishii
—tell me how it happens. You go face to face. These roosters used to be prize fighters before this. That's when they—that's when Alonso met Ruthie.
Aabria Iyengar
Yeah, but I'm trying to show up for Ruthie because Ruthie is very cool. But have you seen those videos of the little baby goats that do, like, kick flips off of each other?
Erika Ishii Oh, yeah.
Aabria Iyengar
I do a super adorable kick flip off of the Chris head, and then headbutt the Alonso head, and then just drag back a rooster sack of seeds.
I'm Afraid Of You (Erika) Ah! [Cough]
Alonso (Erika)
This is somehow your fault, Chris.
I'm Afraid Of You (Erika)
I didn't do anything, and you should probably call me "I'm Afraid Of You"
Aabria Iyengar
Oh, they're still alive. I'm just gonna ragdoll the necks until they stop.
Erika Ishii
Well, I mean, they're on the ground, their heads are off.
Aabria Iyengar
Oh! The heads are off!
Erika Ishii
Fully off, and they're arguing with each other as you leave.
I'm Afraid Of You (Erika)
Just please call me I'm Afraid Of You. That's what your wife called—ex-wife? I don't know. Also, I don't know—is she still single?
Aabria Iyengar
[Clapping] Ruthie's rizz is unreal!!
Erika Ishii
So you leave the two of them, arguing in the dirt.
[Music ends]
Erika Ishii
Now you have a full truck, and pumpkin, and a bag of heirloom seeds.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Ruthie, you always say no loose ends, right?
Ruthie (Brennan) That's right!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
You wanna hop on my back with that rocket launcher?
Aabria Iyengar [Cackle]
Ruthie (Brennan) Hell yeah.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I'll jump on Itsa's back with the rocket launcher.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
We need to go find my owner/jockey.
Aabria Iyengar YEAH!!
Erika Ishii [Cackling]
Aabria Iyengar
This is the perfect story!
Erika Ishii
Alright, roll to be holding a rocket launcher and ride, so I guess horseback riding.
Aabria Iyengar
Roll for Equestrian.
Erika Ishii
Yeah, roll for Equestrian. It's pretty easy—well, no, I'm gonna say give me a 6. Give me a 6.
Brennan Lee Mulligan You got one.
Aabria Iyengar
[Gasp] Incredible. Incredible.
Erika Ishii
Roll for Equestrian, okay, now you have Equestrian 2.
Aabria Iyengar Amazing.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I have so many fucking skills.
Aabria Iyengar
You have so many skills. You absolutely played this game correctly.
Lou Wilson
I mean this fuckin' Jack of All Trades.
Erika Ishii Ruthie—
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I'm like just like grooving in the saddle.
[Jazz heist music]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
My lower body is fucking perfect. I have perfectly steady feathered wings, holding this Stinger missile.
[Everyone absolutely losing their shit.]
Brennan Lee Mulligan One eye on the scope.
Lou Wilson
Children running the opposite way as we run deeper in.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Off in the distance, the Ferris Wheel, just fuckin' TEARING—
Erika Ishii Fergie being like
Fergie (Erika)
Uhhh. I hope this stops sometime. I wanna go back and get that pumpkin!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Yeah.
Erika Ishii
So you make it to the stables, and there in culottes—
[Laugh]
Erika Ishii
—in front of the stable, just sitting there, feet up, sipping a martini, is Herman Rutherford the Third.
Herman Rutherford the Third
I say! What happened to the cart?
Lou Wilson
Can I try and make an attempt at human language?
Erika Ishii Yeah.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Erika Ishii Yeah, actually.
Lou Wilson It's a 3.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
[Nickering] Listen here you little bitch!
[Aabria and Erika laugh]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
[Nickering] You may not remember me, but I remember you! [Nickering]
Erika Ishii
[Crying laughing] Oh my goodness.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
You rode me. You rode me, you said outside, I said inside, and I knew what was right. [Nickering] And now my friend, who's a chicken, with a Stinger missile, is going to blow you to hell! [Nickering]
Herman Rutherford the Third What is happening here? What is—
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
So say goodbye, motherfucker!
Herman Rutherford the Third
Why does that chicken have a gun, of some sort? Oh, my. I'm all for Second Amendment rights, but this is ridiculous!
I'm Afraid Of You (Erika)
Of course, of COURSE you are.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Erika Ishii
Do you want to communicate?
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Yeah, wait, I'm gonna roll to speak English.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Erika Ishii Or—
Brennan Lee Mulligan That's a 5.
Erika Ishii
You manage it.
Brennan Lee Mulligan I'm gonna go.
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Horrifying gutteral noises, a choking wretched voice.] Why did the chicken cross the road?
[Everyone is losing their minds.]
Ruthie (Brennan)
[A truly tortured strangled nightmare of a voice.] Why did the chicken. Cross the road.
Herman Rutherford the Third Why?
Ruthie (Brennan) Shut the fuck up!
[Everyone laughs]
Brennan Lee Mulligan And I shoot the missile!
[A missile fires]
Aabria Iyengar Incredible. Perfect.
Erika Ishii
[Crying laughing] Roll. What do you want—what are gonna roll for?
Brennan Lee Mulligan Um.
Erika Ishii
This might be—
Aabria Iyengar Lay egg!
Brennan Lee Mulligan This could be Bustin'.
Aabria Iyengar Ahh!
Brennan Lee Mulligan This could be Lay Egg.
Aabria Iyengar
It could be Bustin'!
Lou Wilson
This could be Bustin'.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Produce weapon. It could also be—if I get a real taste for blood, it could be Create Monster. It also could be written in this man's destiny that he was going to die here, in which case it's Accept Fate, you let me know.
Erika Ishii
[Roar of laughter] You know what? Give me Cause—no. Give me Lay Egg.
Brennan Lee Mulligan I'll do Lay An Egg.
Erika Ishii
Because I'm gonna say—I'm gonna say right now, that Herman Rutherford the Third does not have any skills, really, that are relevant to repelling a rocket.
Aabria Iyengar
Let's go! Is it rollies?
Erika Ishii
Oh! It's a 5. That's a 5. So he might be able to dodge a little bit.
Brennan Lee Mulligan I got a 7.
Erika Ishii
Alright. You deliver your punchline. Rutherford is puzzled—
[Aabria and Lou laugh]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Which was, so we're all clear, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" And then he said something, and I said, "Shut the fuck up," and I shot the missile.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Herman Rutherford the Third Well, that's not really a—
[Earth-shattering kaboom]
Erika Ishii
He is a pink mist.
Aabria Iyengar Beautiful.
Erika Ishii
A pink mist in culottes. There's nothing, nothing left for him. When his heirs come to collect, they can't even identify the body.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Well. Looks like he got to the other side, motherfucker.
Phillip (Aabria) Yeah!
Ruthie (Brennan) [Victorious laugh]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Not bad, Ruthie. Not bad at all.
Aabria Iyengar
Can I roll up with the truck now?
Lou Wilson [Laugh]
Erika Ishii
Roll up—you can roll for that, yeah. Give me—
Aabria Iyengar
Sweet. I have Electronics 2.
Erika Ishii
—Electronics 2, give me—
Aabria Iyengar
Can I hotwire this car?
Erika Ishii
Give me hotwire. Yeah, hotwire it, Electronics 2. And, keep in mind, Lou, you—
[Music ends]
Aabria Iyengar 7?
Erika Ishii
7, okay. That's difficult. That's, eh. Yeah. I'm going to say that you can hotwire this. You're not driving well, though.
[High energy banjo heavy country music]
Aabria Iyengar
Yeah, sure. I have the chicken body full of seeds on the accelerator.
Erika Ishii
Sure, sure. [Cackle]
Aabria Iyengar
And I'm using my two little hooves, to like, whip the truck around, and be like
Phillip (Aabria)
Time to go. Time to go.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) This is it?
Phillip (Aabria) You ready?
Ruthie (Brennan) I think this is it.
Lou Wilson
Can I fit in the car?
Aabria Iyengar
Yes. Why am I saying yes, I don't know.
Erika Ishii
It is a massive—
Lou Wilson
Oh it's a truck. Yeah.
Erika Ishii
It is a massive truck. Yes. It is a food truck, yes you can squeeze in there. It's going to be a little tight, but you can make it. Yeah. You all pile into the truck. And then, with Phillip at the wheel, you peel out of the County Fair.
[Wheels skidding as the truck drives off, music comes to an end.]
Lou Wilson
And I'd like to spend 8 XP.
Aabria Iyengar [Cackle]
Erika Ishii No!!
Aabria Iyengar YES!!!
[Suspenseful plucked music]
Erika Ishii No!!!
Lou Wilson
[Laughing] To go back to the beginning and change the nature of the heist.
Aabria Iyengar
Yes!! Yes. Good, yes.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Noooo!!
Lou Wilson
I wanna—after watching Phillip successfully use Facebook—
[Aabria and Erika laugh]
Lou Wilson
—the next day, I go into the shed, and spend hours, sending one message—
[Ping!]
Aabria Iyengar Yes!
Lou Wilson
—to the security professionals—or the Blue Boys.
Aabria Iyengar Yes.
Lou Wilson I say
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Sedona. Me. You. Heist. Solve. Yes?
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Lou Wilson
And after 90 messages back and forth, I communicate to the Blue Boys that there's gonna be a heist at the County Fair. And they just need to—they need to be posted—when the Ferris Wheel falls, they need to be posted outside of the County Fair grounds, ready to stop the truck before it gets away.
[Aabria and Erika gasp]
Aabria Iyengar
[Awed whisper] The horse was a snitch...
Lou Wilson
But they have to let the horse go.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Lou Wilson
Excuse me—they need to arrange another truck to take me to Arizona.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Lou Wilson
Can I have done all that?
Aabria Iyengar Yes!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
So as we start approaching, I look and I say
Ruthie (Brennan) You motherfucker.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) What—
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Hatefully] You double-crossed us!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
I didn't double-cross anybody!
Ruthie (Brennan)
You double-crossed us!!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
What are you talking about?!
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Accusatorily] Why is there a horse trailer, with Arizona plates!?
[Everybody laughs]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) I don't know! Weird!
Phillip (Aabria)
What have you done?
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Menacing whisper] Sedona.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
We gotta—guys, what do we do?
Phillip (Aabria)
What have you done?
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
What do we do? What do we do? [Dropping the charade] Hey, I run this race alone, you dumb fucks.
Erika Ishii [Gasp]
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
There can only be one winner, alright?
Ruthie (Brennan) Fine!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
You don't win the Kentucky Derby as a team. This is a tri—yes, it's a Triple Crown, but it only goes to one motherfucker!!
Ruthie (Brennan) You dumb—
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
I hope you enjoy riding in fuckin' jail, our moment was fuckin' fake.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
I knew about all your dumb fuckin' kids. You told me about it during that co-op, co-op fuckin' heist we pulled off. I fuckin' hate chickens. I fuckin' HATE chickens!!
Ruthie (Brennan)
You're a two-bit, pre-glue piece of SHIT.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Oh, yeah?
Ruthie (Brennan)
I'll see you in a bottle of Elmer's, you dumb motherfucker.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Hey. Why don't you fuckin' lay an egg for ONCE? For once in your FUCKIN' life, lay an egg and don't fuckin' fart while ya do it.
[Aabria and Brennan wheeze with laughter]
Erika Ishii
There are two security cars that have pulled up and are blocking the way of the truck. They start to get out. These men with—they look like just sort of party store shirts, and aviators, which they think obviously make them look very cool. And, they start climbing out, and they look into the vehicle. They don't see—
Aabria Iyengar
I'm driving in the front, I think you both are in the back.
Erika Ishii
They don't see any humans there.
Lou Wilson
I get out. I walk towards them.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
[Nickering] They're right in there, take 'em! You got 'em! Let me get in the trailer!
Erika Ishii
They look confused, and then they're like, "Well, there's a horse here," so, they start—they open up the trailer for you.
Lou Wilson
I get on the trailer.
Brennan Lee Mulligan At—
Aabria Iyengar
Can I attempt to tempt them?
Erika Ishii
You guys, what do you two do?
Aabria Iyengar
Sorry, what do you do, you go.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
At this moment, I'm going to say
Ruthie (Brennan)
I've—you gotta know when you're beat Phillip.
Phillip (Aabria) [Shattered] What?
Ruthie (Brennan)
And—it's just, no one heist is worth it. You there, I'm Afraid Of You? Get your dumb fuckin' pumpkin rind, and push it off the truck and let's at least take care of Fergie. Go.
Aabria Iyengar Wait.
Erika Ishii
They're back in the dirt?
Aabria Iyengar
Yeah, no this is just their—
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Oh, they're back in the dirt!
Aabria Iyengar —dead body.
Erika Ishii Yeah, yeah.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
So I'm going to say,—in that case, I'm just gonna look at Phillip and say
Ruthie (Brennan)
You gotta know when you're beat. I have children to go see, in the coop.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
And I'm going to jump out of the truck, and just look like a dumb chicken and just wander off into the farmyard.
Ruthie (Brennan) Buh-gawk!
Erika Ishii Huh!
Aabria Iyengar Phillip has been left.
Facebook Agent (Erika)
Hey, Roger, did they say anything about who was supposed to do the heist? Who's your contact?
Lou Wilson
It would have been Tad Williams, I think.
Aabria Iyengar [Laughing] Tad Williams!
Roger (Erika) Tad Williams.
Facebook Agent (Erika)
Oh. Okay. Well, there doesn't seem to be anybody in here. There's just... A goat?
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) [Nickering]
Aabria Iyengar
I lay on the horn.
[Long drawn out car horn]
Roger (Erika) [Startled] Ah!
Phillip (Aabria) [Bleat]
Facebook Agent (Erika) Gah! Okay!
Erika Ishii
One of them picks you up.
[Horn ceases]
Phillip (Aabria) [Questioning bleat]
Aabria Iyengar
Can I Tempt them?
Erika Ishii Sure!
Aabria Iyengar Sweet.
Erika Ishii Try it.
Aabria Iyengar
I'm gonna roll Tempt.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
What are you hoping happens here?
Erika Ishii Yeah.
Lou Wilson [Cackle]
Aabria Iyengar
I want to Tempt one Blue Boy to kill the other Blue Boy.
Brennan Lee Mulligan [Cackle]
Aabria Iyengar
I'm in it for the crime!
Erika Ishii
I'm gonna say—this is—you don't speak human.
Aabria Iyengar
Can I try to speak human first? Everyone got to try to speak human a lot, and I only tried one time.
Lou Wilson
I have tried twice.
Erika Ishii
Okay! Go ahead.
Aabria Iyengar 2.
Lou Wilson [Laugh] God.
Erika Ishii
It comes out as [Bleats]
Phillip (Aabria) [Bleats in unison]
[Sinister dark gothic country music]
Erika Ishii
If you'd like to try and Tempt, one to kill the other, that is gonna be—I'm gonna need—what did I say? 11? An 11 from you?
Aabria Iyengar Okay. Alright. Okay.
Erika Ishii
I forget what I—what the challenge rating was before.
Aabria Iyengar
Come on, please let me Tempt.
Erika Ishii
11. That's a 6.
Aabria Iyengar [Angrily, in unison] 6!
Erika Ishii
Does not—so one of them goes like—
Phillip (Aabria) [Bleats]
[Music stops abruptly]
Facebook Agent (Erika)
Aww! Look at this cute little guy. Aw, man! Welp! I bet this guy belongs to one of the farmers!
Phillip (Aabria) [Bleat]
Erika Ishii
And so you are taken away from the truck.
Phillip (Aabria)
[Bleat of protestation]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I'd like to spend some XP on a flashback.
[Aabria and Lou laugh]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
It's just 2 XP, It's only a couple of minutes.
Erika Ishii Just 2!
Lou Wilson Couple of minutes.
Erika Ishii Alright.
Aabria Iyengar I failed 2 rolls.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
But I think as I wander away from the truck, having been, OF COURSE, betrayed! By Itsa Winnerbaby!
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh] Yeah.
[Suspenseful heist music]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I just wander back up the road a little bit, to where Chris, and the pumpkin rind are.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
And I think if any of the Blue Boys open up the bin, the big heavy bin, they see that it's filled with ceramics from the craft tent.
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
And I walk back up the road, and I walk up to Chris and the big pumpkin rind, and I'm going to walk up to him and I'm gonna go
Ruthie (Brennan)
Take off that stupid disguise, Alonso.
Aabria Iyengar Ah!
Ruthie (Brennan)
Fuck me on this pumpkin!
[Aabria and Lou laugh. Someone claps]
Alonso (Erika)
Oh Ruthie. Ohh! It's been a long con and it's WORTH it. Like I always say...
Ruthie (Brennan)
Like you always say, "I'm going to fill up a pumpkin with lots of stolen corn and fuck you on top of it!"
Alonso (Erika) YEAH!!
Erika Ishii
[Crying laughter] Oh my god.
Aabria Iyengar Amazing. Amazing.
Erika Ishii
I'd say that's a 5 flashback, because that's, you know, sort of going back—
Brennan Lee Mulligan Yeah, yeah yeah.
Erika Ishii
—further than that, but yeah.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Well, I don't have enough XP to do that, but—
Aabria Iyengar [Laugh]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
—let's say that—can I make a roll to get the extra XP?
Erika Ishii
I think you had—you had—
Brennan Lee Mulligan Did I have 5?
Erika Ishii Yeah, you had 7.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I think I missed writing down a lot.
Erika Ishii
You have 7, yeah.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I have 7. Okay, great great great.
Lou Wilson
Lotta rolls, and then laughing.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Lotta rolls.
Aabria Iyengar Yeah.
Erika Ishii Lotta laughing.
Lou Wilson
Yeah there was a lot of Stinger missile rolls.
Aabria Iyengar That's fair.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
[Laughing] Yeah, yeah yeah yeah. For sure! For sure.
Erika Ishii
One month later, things have somewhat returned to normal at Family Farms Incorporated. The animals seem a lot happier though, because once they took back that truck from the County Fair, it seems like they just got fed so much better, or at least they were enjoying the Kerrrn so much more. Phillip is back in his pen doin' his little thing. Kitty's spending a lot of time there. What have you been up to, Phillip?
[Sinister gothic country music]
Aabria Iyengar
[Laugh] Phillip is enjoying tummy time, as Kitty is just petting him and he's just filling Kitty's head with the future of this plan. Now, Kitty's idiot son Tad went to Cornell, but Kitty went to Penn, because she's a clever lady.
Erika Ishii [Laugh]
Aabria Iyengar
And we have been working on a newer, stronger, more resilient, and cheaper to produce version of Kerrrn. Now, my goal for the Heist was always to destroy the last good heirloom corn, on this farm and in the tristate area. But my lovely chicken friend took care of that for me. So now there's nothing but spreading the good news, of bad feed, across the farmland, and baby business is great.
Phillip (Aabria) [Sinister bleat]
Erika Ishii
Ruthie, where are you? And Alonso?
Aabria Iyengar
And your pumpkin full of fucked-on corn?
Ruthie (Brennan)
[In voiceover] Well, the fucked-on corn is of course stored safely right near the chicken coop, where all the little baby chicks can have as much as they want, eat their little tummies full. And we see Ruthie, and her husband Alonso, who had to go away for so many years to make this con work—
[Aabria and Lou are dying laughing]
Ruthie (Brennan)
—behind the wheel of a beautiful Corvette—
[Airy triumphant music, the sound of a roaring V8 engine. Everyone loses their minds.]
Ruthie (Brennan)
—top down, racing through the American Southwest.
[Aabria and Lou are crying laughing]
Ruthie (Brennan)
A 40 foot silk scarf trailing from Ruthie's neck, a pair of beautiful horn rim sunglasses, with her exact prescription. 140 miles per hour, headed straight for the lip of the Grand Canyon. Sayonara world! Ruthie's going out on top.
[Aabria and Lou have to take a moment to recover.]
Erika Ishii
In Sedona, how do we find Itsa? Once the Blue Boys—who were commended highly for their stopping of this daring heist—drove him out to Sedona. They, quite puzzled, just opened the back of the trailer and let him out.
Aabria Iyengar Just in. Sedona?
Lou Wilson [Giggling]
Erika Ishii
They were instructed—
Aabria Iyengar
[Laughing] Like at the city limit.
Erika Ishii
—in no uncertain terms—
Aabria Iyengar [Dying] A horse!
Erika Ishii
—by Tad Williams.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
So just like, literally wherever the pin drops when you Google Maps Sedona?
[Everyone is losing their minds yet again.]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Like, "Yup! It's in downtown, right near the Wendy's!"
Lou Wilson
Yeah, I get out and I'm looking at a teal McDonald's logo.
[Everyone laughs]
Lou Wilson
[Crying laughing] And I just say
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) Where the horses at?
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Just, days of wandering Sedona, looking for the racetrack. Days, and days. Eating fucking French fries out of dumpsters. Where is it?
Lou Wilson
It's so far from—the first, I don't know, how ahead in time do we jump? A month? Yeah, I would say the first four weeks, are just eating garbage.
Aabria Iyengar [Cackle]
Lou Wilson
I'm like a bear in a summer, where in people's trash, eating. Being like, "There are no horses, there are streets, there's not wide open ranges."
Aabria Iyengar
[Choking laughing] "There are streets!"
Lou Wilson
But I have a 2 in Maps.
Aabria Iyengar YEAH!!!
Erika Ishii
[Cackling triumphantly]
Lou Wilson
And eventually I see a long off horizon, and I go to it. And I think exactly a month later, he's just kind of beaten down, and starting to feel a little bit hopeless, of maybe he shouldn't have given up his friends, maybe... Maybe it was all mistakes. Maybe he WAS supposed to go outside—maybe he was supposed to go inside, and it wasn't—or outside or I don't even remember what it was. He hears the thundering of hooves.
Aabria Iyengar [Gasp]
[Jangly country guitar cover of "Londonderry Air," as the majestic pounding of hooves rings off in the distance.]
Lou Wilson
And over the ridge, gorgeous Mustangs, other American Paints, an Appaloosa or two, charging off, along the sandy horizon, across the red stone horizon. I go, picking up speed, to catch 'em, and then my ankle kicks in.
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
Ah. Oh, ah. Hah. Come on. Come on!
Lou Wilson
Pushing through, pushing through, pushing through, pushing through. And... I don't know if I'll catch him, or when I'll catch him. But, boy, can I see him. And I finally know why... Why I gave up my friends. So that I can have THIS moment. As I chase after the other wild horses, of Sedona, Arizona.
Erika Ishii
And as the sun sets, on Itsa running, and—
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou) [Calling out] Slow down!
Majestic Stallion (Erika) [Majestically] Come, brother! Come!
Itsa Winnerbaby (Lou)
I'm trying! They wanted to kill me!
Erika Ishii
Each of you has left, perhaps getting exactly what you want... From the County Affair.
[Music slowly winds down.]
Brennan Lee Mulligan [Laugh]
Aabria Iyengar WOO!!!!
All in Unison YEAH!!!!
[Applause]
Brennan Lee Mulligan Incredible.
Aabria Iyengar Let's gooo!
Lou Wilson WOO!!!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Incredible. Incredible.
Lou Wilson WOOOOO!
Aabria Iyengar
Erika!! You did it!! Yeah!!!
Brennan Lee Mulligan You did it Erika! Yay!!
Aabria Iyengar Perfect!
Erika Ishii Ohhhh!
Aabria Iyengar
You're perfect! Mwah!
Erika Ishii
I'm so STICKY!
Brennan Lee Mulligan
It is hot and swampy in here.
Lou Wilson
It's hot in here.
Aabria Iyengar That was so good!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Wow.
Erika Ishii Oh my god!
Aabria Iyengar I love you!
Erika Ishii
[Crying] I just wanted you guys to have fun and you did!
Aabria Iyengar
I'm so proud of you!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Really awesome.
Lou Wilson Great job, dude!
Erika Ishii Oh my god!
Brennan Lee Mulligan Really great job, Erika.
Lou Wilson So much fun.
Brennan Lee Mulligan So much fun.
Erika Ishii
Oh, thank you that was incredible!
Aabria Iyengar
That was so fuckin' fun. It was delightful! You nailed it!
Erika Ishii
You're incredible! You guys were incredible thank you!
Lou Wilson You nailed it.
Aabria Iyengar You're amazing.
Erika Ishii Fuck.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I loved that so much. That was so much fun.
Erika Ishii
I love your characters so much.
Aabria Iyengar That was so good.
Lou Wilson
That was fuckin' crazy.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
If there was an epilogue, it would have to be—I'm trying to—because I'm literally like, there's two loose ends, which is Ruby and Fergie. They're still out there.
Lou Wilson Yeah.
Aabria Iyengar
Ooh! Okay. Can we have a stinger?
Lou Wilson
Wait, just to be clear.
Brennan Lee Mulligan Yeah.
Lou Wilson You. Died.
Aabria Iyengar No, hold on.
Lou Wilson
[Laughing] You were driving off a cliff!
Erika Ishii
It was a Thelma and Louise!
Aabria Iyengar
Post credit stinger, as you head towards the lip of the Grand Canyon, can I roll Tempt? And use a little bit of magic to reach out to Ruthie? With just a little inkling of a thought.
Phillip (Aabria) [Whispered] Loose ends.
Brennan Lee Mulligan
I grab the steering wheel, jerk it to the side!
[The country music theme to A County Affair kicks in. Roaring engine, tires squealing, everyone cheers]
Brennan Lee Mulligan
Jerk it to the side, and I say
Ruthie (Brennan)
[Impassioned] Alonso, there's nothing more that I want in this world than to die, fucking you midair, falling through the Grand Canyon.
[Everyone laughs]
Ruthie (Brennan)
There's a rabbit, and a raccoon. We need to go deep, deep, deep undercover.
Alonso (Erika)
Well, it's like I always say, there's nothing like pulling back from the brink of tantric sex in midair before you die, in order to tie up some loose ends.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Are you asleep right now?
Aabria Iyengar [Cackle]
Alonso (Erika) [Snore]
Erika Ishii
He cracks an eye, an eye half open.
Ruthie (Brennan)
Wake up! You're driving! That's so unsafe!
[Everyone laughs]
Brennan Lee Mulligan Oh my god.
[Everyone cheers]
Erika Ishii
Well that was perfect. That was perfect.
Lou Wilson
Now I'm going to stop recording. Do we have any more epilogues we need to toss on there?
Aabria Iyengar Incredible.
[The music comes to a climax and finally ends.]